By Shayne Terry <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Submitted June 2014
Summary: It’s not easy being clean.
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Disclaimer: Recognizable names belong to DC Comics and possibly a lot of other people who aren’t me.
To: The reporters and day staff of the Daily Planet
From: The maintenance and janitorial department
Re: Let’s clean up our act, folks.
It has come to our attention that there are issues which need to be addressed with the day staff. While we don’t want to point any fingers, it would be appreciated if people will try to make this a better workplace in the future.
Chocolate and bananas don’t belong in reporters’ desks. In the wake of the recent heat wave, they have begun to create a melty, sticky mess that is attracting flies. This is something that has been a problem with numerous reporters, but one desk drawer had to be completely replaced. I’m not naming names (Lois Lane), but it needs to stop.
Pornography has no place in the workplace (Ralph). Also, it’s not safe to keep unopened condoms more than ten years after their expiration date.
If you must leave butt prints on the copy machine, at least have the decency to Windex them away. On an unrelated note, Cat Grant, we have your ID.
We’ve had to replace bathroom stalls in the men’s room three times this week. Someone repeatedly leaves holes in the stall doors. What the hell are you people doing in there?
Don’t leave business suits folded up behind the trash. This isn’t the changing room at Sears.
We’ve had to replace the locks on the windows in the storeroom four times in the last two weeks. The windows are sealed for a reason; smoking in the storeroom isn’t safe given all the chemicals there. The fact that we are several hundred feet above the ground shouldn’t have to be noted. It’s not like Superman will always be there to rescue you, at least if your last name isn’t Lane.
The cleaning staff would like to thank Clark Kent. While he’s new to the Daily Planet, he sets an example the rest of you should follow. His workstation is always neat and tidy.
With a little effort we can create a safe and productive environment for everyone to enjoy. Otherwise we may have to take drastic measures.
Thank you for your consideration.