Lois Rules! — A Story

By VirginiaR <lc.virginiaR@gmail.com>

Rated PG

Submitted May 2012

Summary: What if canon Clark actually wrote a Lois Lane Manual for Alt-Clark?

Read in other formats: Text | MS Word | OpenOffice | PDF | Epub | Mobi

By VirginiaR (for the story surrounding the Rules. The Rules themselves had many authors.)

Author’s Note: Inspired by Lois Lane 101 — A Handbook, compiled by: VirginiaR, Deadly Chakram, Lynn S.M., Darth Michael, Mouserocks, Shimauma, Framework4, Christina, Shallowford, Lara Joelle Kent, SJH, Classicalla, and Olive


Lois Rules! — A Story

Clark removed from the printer the set of rules for living with Lois Lane that he had compiled as a gift for the Clark in that other parallel dimension. H.G. Wells had stopped by briefly that morning to say that they had finally found the other Clark’s missing Lois. Herb had said he would be back later that evening with all the details. They were both sure Lois would love to hear all the dirt about the disappearance of her other self.

He three-hole punched the list and put it in a fancy binder. Clark would gift wrap his gag gift and have it ready for Herb to take back to the other Clark. He hoped that the other Clark would appreciate the humor intended.

Suddenly, his hearing picked up a radio call on a police scanner about men with guns at Tealburo Airport. Duty calls! Clark hadn’t yet had a chance to wrap up his gift, so he stuck it in his desk drawer, which he then locked. He would hate for his wife to see it and think he had been serious. He spun into his blue Suit and flew out the window.


“What’s this?” Clark asked as H.G. Wells handed him a thin gift-wrapped package.

Herb smiled knowingly. “Clark said it was a little something to celebrate finding your soulmate.”

The other Clark flipped open the folded label.

I hope this helps. Clark

PS: Don’t open near Lois

With curiosity Clark tore open the paper to reveal a fancy notebook. The cover indicated that the title of the book was:

Lois Lane 101: Rules To Live By

A Handbook on How to Understand, Survive, and Thrive in a Relationship with the Multicolored Kryptonite called Lois Lane

Clark chuckled. “I could use something like this.”

He flipped to the title page, and his chuckles turned to outright laughter. Handwritten in pencil in Lois’ distinct scrawl was the following note:

Really, Clark? Kryptonite? I’m not as bad as that, am I? Congratulations on finding your Lois, Clark! Hope you don’t give her as much trouble as my Clark gave me. L.

Clark turned the page. The handwritten notes continued through-out the list.

Rule #1 — Never talk to Lois while making love. (you never know what stupid thing you say will cool her off.)

Rule #2 — Feed chocolate, often. More than once a day, preferably.

Rule #3 — Lois NEVER feels guilty.

Rule #4 — Always keep an eye on her, she’s slippery.

Rule #5 — NEVER trust her when she says that she will stay out of trouble.

Rule #6 — Keep well hydrated with coffee, wine, and cream soda.

Rule # 7 — DON’T let her see this list.

Rule #8 — Water her plants for her; they’ll die otherwise.

Rule #9 — Even when Lois is wrong, she’s right.

Rule #10 — When all else fails, refer back to rule #2.

Rule #11 — Expect Lois to be high maintenance, but she is worth it.

Rule #12 — Just be upfront about the whole Superman thing. It’ll save you a world of headaches in the long run.

Rule #13 — Don’t eat Lois’ food. When in doubt, order out.

Rule #14 — She’s top banana.

Rule #15: Chumpy is a word.

Clark set down the list and walked over to his bookcase where he removed his dictionary. Sure enough, penciled into the margin in Lois’ handwriting was:

Chumpy (adj): someone who’s a chump.

He returned the dictionary to his bookshelf with a quiet chuckle and went back to looking at his gift.

Rule #16 — She cheats at poker, but don’t call her on it.

Rule #17 — Never get between Lois and a story.

Rule #18 — Don’t let her hold any food intended for Bobby Bigmouth.

Rule #19 — No matter how ridiculous her hunch sounds, take it seriously. More often than not, she’s right.

Rule #20 — Lois doesn’t always follow her three rules to live by.

Rule #21 — Keep away from people named Dan.

Rule #22 — Keep away from people named Lex.

Rule #23 — Keep away from people named Maxwell — especially if they are a doctor.

Rule #24 — Remember. As fragile as your own heart is, so is her own. She’s had a rough life.

Rule #25 — Actually, don’t trust anyone attracted to Lois. For some reason, she’s a slime-magnet.

Rule #26 — If Lois says she’s not up to anything, she’s lying. She usually is. Feel free to stalk from a reasonable distance.

Rule #27 — In case stalking backfires, run. Or come up with lame excuse and run. If in Superman outfit, fake an emergency.

Rule #28 — Be careful with her skull. She may seem thickheaded sometimes, but a bump on the noggin will make her forget the best guy in the universe is her boyfriend…twice…

Rule #29 — Quit looking at her legs, or you’ll never get any work done.

Rule #30 — Give Lois a break with the Suit, she may find you a little too irresistible. Attempt to save all hints at nookie for the bedroom (and that includes all attempts at seduction.)

Rule #31 — Failing that, make sure all original photographs and evidence of said nookie is destroyed immediately. Saving it in a little box in your bedroom may not be enough.

Rule #32 — Wait until Wells gives you two the okay (I know you don’t want to wait, but unless you do, you’ll lose her, and your worst fears will be confirmed.)

Clark lifted his head and looked at Herb. “I’m supposed to wait until you give me the ‘okay’ for something. Do you know what this means?”

H.G. Wells flushed a bright red and cleared his throat. “Um…” He tugged at his collar. “He didn’t explain?”

Clark slowly shook his head. “No. Lois suggested it was something I should have you fix before you leave today. Does this ring any bells?”

The author appeared even more uncomfortable and gulped. “He didn’t tell you about the curse?”

“Curse?” Clark sputtered. “Lois and I are cursed?” He had been searching for this woman for over a year and only now did they mention a curse.

Wells waved his hand through the air trying to make whatever they were talking about seem unimportant. He failed miserably. “Easily fixed.”

“Uh-huh,” replied Clark, not believing him. He returned his eyes to the notebook to see if there were any more surprises awaiting him.

Rule #33 — Make sure she gets to accept you as a friend, but don’t forget to leave hints that you’re more than a little attracted to her.

Rule #34 — Double Fudge Crunch Bars are your friend. Keep a box of them in your drawer for emergencies. (Don’t tell Lois!)

Rule #35 — Lois does not like odd or strange gifts and/or art, especially sent anonymously.

Rule #36 — Do not make her angry. Stay calm. No sudden movements. I know it will be tempting to fly off — don’t!

Rule #37Do feed after midnight. Do get wet. (Repeat)

Clark raised a confused eyebrow at Lois’ strange train of thought.

Rule #38 - If sprayed with a love perfume, do not allow yourself to be in close proximity to her for extended periods of time.

Rule #38a — Consequences include long nights pacing your living room from ceiling to floor and an eventual breakdown in your desire to keep your friendship intact in favor of making love to her (and possibly losing her in the process.)

Clark cleared his throat. “Harem costume?”

Wells, whose color had only just returned to normal, flushed bright red again. “Funny story actually…” He waved his hand. “Another time, perhaps.”

Rule #39 — When Lois really is on top (i.e. the boss) at work, don’t let her either push you away or overwork herself. She really does need you now more than ever.

Rule #40Do get her gifts, but make certain that she knows they would only be the kind of gifts you can give (that way there is no mistaking who they came from.)

Rule #41 — 9 times out of 10 Lois will want to drive. Let her. She knows the basic traffic laws, but this does not mean she will follow them.

Rule #42 — Anytime Lois offers to take you out for pasta, accept, and enjoy any said consequences.

Rule #43 — Do not let Lois and Ellen or Sam Lane (or both) hang out together alone for longer than 1/2 hour at a time unsupervised.

Rule #44 — The only time she’ll ever let you put her on a leash is when she’s pretending to be your concubine. (Don’t ask!)

“Leash? Concubine?” Clark asked.

Wells shifted from one foot to another. “Perhaps it’s not wise to know too much about one’s future,” he said elusively.

“Uh-huh,” Clark replied. Obviously he and Herb were going to have a serious discussion later that evening before the man left.

Rule #45 — If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd — check DNA and make sure she hasn’t been replaced by a clone.

#45a — If she has been replaced by a clone, see Rule #22 for who has probably kidnapped the real Lois.

#45b — If she hasn’t been replaced by a clone, see Rules #46 — #48.

“Clones?” Clark wasn’t even asking Herb anymore. He just shook his head. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to know too much about one’s future.

Rule #46 — If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd — check to make sure she doesn’t have amnesia.

#46a — If she has amnesia, see Rules #22 & #23.

#46b — If she doesn’t have amnesia, see Rules #45, #47, & #48.

Rule #47 — If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd — her mind may be held hostage by Lex Luthor’s son, Lex Jr., follow her and destroy his Neuroscanner machine to free her mind.

#47a — If her mind isn’t being held hostage by the Neuroscanner, please see Rules #45-46, & #48.

Rule #48 — If Lois starts acting odd, and I mean bizzaro odd — and you two have visited a Virtual Reality experience video game recently, double check that both of you have actually left the game.

#48a — If you aren’t stuck in a VR game, please see Rules #45-47.

Rule #49 — From the moment Lois agrees to marry you until the moment you consummate said marriage (see Rule #32)

#49a — Do not let Lois out of your sight;

#49b — Make sure said marriage happens ASAP, so that it does not get postponed by either of your ex’s.

That other Clark had an ex-girlfriend that put Lois on a leash and made her a concubine? Clark shook his head. Their lives were just plain strange. Now if Clark had said that Lana had put him on a leash and tried to make him into her concubine…

Rule #50 — If you decide to take Lois on a romantic weekend to a private island resort, leave the blue Suit at home.

#50a — Check out the location before hand for criminal masterminds living nearby.

#50b — Take her camping instead.

Rule #51 — Do not ever — and I repeat, EVER — expect or attempt to put Lois on a leash. She will almost surely never listen, and the backlash will be fiercely painful.

#51a — The only exception to this rule is if she is acting as your concubine. If you don’t know what this means, then don’t ask.

- This is basically the same Rule as #44, but it’s such a good Rule it bears repeating; so I’ll let it slide. (Maybe we should make THIS Rule #1!)

Rule #52 — Lois enjoys a good costume if the whole Superman-thing isn’t a dead giveaway. Be patient with her no matter what she decides to wear — whether she’s dressed up as a man or in a rather revealing harem costume.

#52a — Lois in disguise usually gets good results, no matter her purpose. Consider yourself duly warned.

- True, I’m a master at disguises. You’d think I studied under Mr. Make-up himself.

- I find costumes (or uniforms, as the case may be) are equally effective when they come off.

Rule #53 — Don’t ever, under any circumstances, use the memory wipe kiss on Lois. You want her with all her memories at all times. (See Rules #22, #23 and #46)

“What is the ‘memory wipe kiss’?” Clark asked Herb.

H.G. Wells eyes opened wide. “That was a mistake. It should never have happened. Just never kiss Lois and think about wishing she could forget something at the same time.” He nodded as if not completely sure how this type of kiss worked.

“Okay.” Clark sighed. How was he ever supposed to kiss Lois after learning about this?

Rule #54 — Never mention Lois’ romance novel to ANYONE!

Clark chuckled. Obviously that other Clark was going to be in big trouble tonight.

Rule #55 — In addition to the aforementioned chocolate, be sure to stock up on ice cream. Vanilla is definitely to be preferred to rocky road.

Rule #56 — If Lois gets a haircut, it may or may not have to do with you.

#56a — It may be because her viewpoint on life has just changed, (because she found out she’s in love with a man who moonlights in tights)

#56b — Or it may have to do with the ease of getting ready in the morning.

#56b-1/2 — Or it could be because she has found herself in a Tank story.

#56c — Either way, she prefers the little white lie if you don’t like it. If it looks horrible (which it can) and you’re like me and you really don’t want to lie, be as complimentary as possible without telling her you hate it. I prefer to give her the small compliment and then ignore it until she cuts it again into a more complimentary style.

#56d — Don’t forget: it doesn’t matter what her hair looks like, she’s still Lois Lane underneath.

Rule #57 — Always offer her a taste of your chocolate dessert. If she really wants it, she’ll just take it anyway — so you might as well give her a polite out.

Rule #58 — If Lois is unable to be found, check the three likeliest places:

#1: The Daily Planet

#2: Her favorite ice cream joint of the week.

#3: Dangling over the jaws of death.

Rule #59 — To turn off babble mode, apply your lips to hers.

#59a — Repeat as often as necessary.

Rule #60 — When Lois says that she doesn’t need or want you around, that’s usually when she needs you the most.

Rule #61 — When Lois is being threatened, it is perfectly acceptable to keep watch over her apartment all night long. Chances are she’ll need you close at hand.

Rule #62 — Exposing Lois to your Kryptonian birth-wife will bring out intense feelings of jealousy.

Clark lowered the notebook. “Kryptonian birth wife? I thought Krypton exploded and that everyone except me died?”

H.G. Wells’ eyes opened wide as he pressed his lips together. Eventually he said, “Well, in that dimension — not necessary in your dimension — there were a group of colonists who founded a New Krypton on another planet.”

“What is a Kryptonian ‘birth wife’?” Clark asked.

Clearing his throat, Wells said, “Apparently before Kal-El was sent to Earth to save his life, he was married to Zara.”

“Married?” Clark echoed. “Are you telling me that not only may my love to Lois be cursed, but that I might be married?”

“It’s more of an arranged marriage, nothing official,” Herb reassured him, waving the issue from the air.

“Uh-huh,” Clark grunted, flipping open the notebook again.

Rule #63 — To bring Lois out of her shell and start the process of friendship building, simply take to the Smallville Corn Fest.

“A rogue government agency searching for a way to kill me isn’t something you thought I needed to know either?” Clark mumbled under his breath.

“Tea! Yes, tea sounds good. Would you like some tea, Clark? I’d love some tea. You don’t mind if I just pop into the kitchen and make some tea, do you?” Wells said, backing into Clark’s kitchen.

Clark pressed his lips together and harrumphed.

Rule #64 — Do not expect Lois to automatically be happy for you when you are nominated for an award, and she isn’t.

Rule #65 — Lois plays every game to win.

Rule #66 — Ethics according to Lois: It is acceptable for her to x-ray your butt to check out your underwear. It is not acceptable for you to x-ray her butt to check out hers.

Clark’s brow furrowed. When had Lois developed the ability to x-ray?

Rule #67 — If Ultra Woman comes to town, use any means necessary to ensure that Lady Zara is nowhere to be found.

“Who is Ultra Woman?” Clark called to Wells in the kitchen.

“Lois,” Wells replied. “For a while Clark’s powers were transferred to her when he was shot by a red Kryptonite laser.”

“A what what what what?” Clark stammered.

“I’m sorry, Clark, what part of that did you want me to explain?” Herb asked.

“Red Kryptonite? Powers transferred? What?” Clark’s hands began to shake as he ran them through his hair, wondering how that other dimension had survived as long as it had.

“Oh, let’s see. Red Kryptonite effects your ability to control,” Wells explained.

“Control what? My breathing? My bodily functions? My abilities? What?”

“Yes, it could affect your control over your powers. Or it could influence your emotional well being. It seems to affect you differently each new time you are exposed to it.” Herb shrugged. “On the plus side, it doesn’t kill you.”

“Wonderful.” Clark took a deep breath. “When you said transferred? Do you mean borrowed, shared, or given?”

“We aren’t one hundred percent sure on that. We believe in that instance it was ‘given’, but as soon as the laser was fixed Lois happily gave the power back to Clark,” Wells reassured him.

“In that instance?”

“Let’s just say, I wouldn’t touch anyone while in a lightning storm, if I were you.”

Why? Why hadn’t he just turned around and walked out of the Daily Planet when that beautiful brunette walked into his life and kissed him? He could be happily married… Oh, what was he thinking? There was no way he could have ever been happily married to Lana Lang. He sighed. Just because all these crazy things happened to that other Clark and his Lois didn’t mean those things or anything like that would happen to him and his own Lois. He lifted up the notebook again.

Rule #68 — It really is the little things that count. Bringing her a perfectly made cup of coffee will impress her more than flying off to Paris for a plate of cheese, especially once she knows your secret.

Rule #69 — If she challenges you to not use your powers for an entire weekend, it’s not cheating to use them to save her life.

Rule #70 — Lois may hate the holidays, but that’s only because she hasn’t yet spent them with you. Only you can change her mind about them.

Rule #71 — Lois’ favorite colors are red, yellow, and blue. Go large on the blue.

Rule #72 — If you need to stop Lois in rant mode, just kiss her.

Rule #73 — If Lois needs a new plant for her desk, get her a cactus.

Rule #74 — Never ever hide your boss in your closet — she’ll get the wrong idea.

Rule #75 — Lois always gets her way. Don’t try to stop her, just go along, and you two will be fine (with a little super help).

Rule #76 — If you like Lois with long hair, don’t introduce her to Tank Wilson.

Rule #77 — Before you have to leave for NK, get Lois and fly her through a thunderstorm; that should keep her safe for a while.

“Resplendent Man?” Clark scoffed.

“Yes, that was a poorly chosen name, wasn’t it?” Herb agreed.

Rule #78 — Keep her challenged.

#78a — If you want her to do something she wouldn’t usually do, make it a challenge.

Rule #79 — Don’t bet against Lois. She wins. Always.

Rule #80 — She does not carry a pistol, but lock picks, a Swiss army knife, maybe a billiard ball or two, a tennis racket, golf clubs, an assortment of board games, and a stolen DA’s beeper in her purse, which is why she travels Superman express. She will never get pass airport security.

Rule #81 — If Lois starts to open up to you about her feelings, STAY AWAKE regardless of how tired you are at the moment. Trust us, it’s worth it.

Rule #82 — When both of you start talking at the same time, let Lois go first. (After all, you were raised to be a gentleman.)

Rule #83 — Before you move in together, install a smoke detector in the kitchen.

Rule #84 — Regardless of #83, Lois does rate 5 stars in the kitchen.

#84a — She also rates 5 stars on the ceiling or any other place you can imagine.

Clark cleared his throat and wondered — not for the first time — if Lois had expected her husband to find this version with her notes. He couldn’t believe she had meant him — the Clark who wasn’t her husband — to read some of these comments.

Rule #85 — Lois is in need of a good lock smith, or maybe she should just close her windows.

#85a — Not to bar Superman, but because other men either try to sneak in through or toss her out open windows.

Rule #86 — When all else fails, refer to Rule #10 which refers to Rule #2.

Rule #87 — When Rule #86 fails, refer to Rule #55.

Rule #88 — When Rules #86 and #87 fail, combine those rules and serve Lois a hot fudge sundae.

Rule #89 — Probably best if you just keep Lois away from all very (millionaire/billionaire) rich men, for example:

#89a — Lex Luthor tried to break her.

#89b — Bill Church endeavored to kill her.

#89c — Spencer Spencer aimed to make her his sex slave.

#89d — Bill Church, Jr. tried to blow her up.

#89e — Patrick Sullivan wanted her for an ancient Druid sacrifice ritual.

#89f — Tim (and Amber) Lake sought her for their collection.

#89g — Randy Goode attempted to ruin her reputation.

#89h — Lex Luthor, Jr. tortured her and tried to bend her to his will.

Rule #90 — If Lois has lost her memory, don’t give up.

Rule #91 — Before saying “I do”, check Lois for hints of the broken ankle (or any other formerly broken bone/scar) she told you about.

Rule #92 — Keep Lois away from any kind of blonde. They won’t get along. (Linda King, Lana Lang, Toni Taylor, Toni Baines…)

Rule #93 — Never imply, suggest, or hint that anyone (especially Linda King) is a better reporter than Lois, even if she got scooped. Just accept as fact that there is no one better. Trust me on this.

Rule #94 — Never lie or omit anything from Lois. She’ll find out about it sooner or later, and you’ll be in the doghouse. She’s got more spies, informants, and sources than Alice. Plus, she knows a guy who knows guys who knows guys.

Rule #95 — Remind Lois she needs to take a day off every once in a while.

Ways to distract Lois into taking a day off from Daily Planet:

#95a — Take off a day from work and Super duties yourself (Take a deep breath. It’s okay; you can do this. The world probably won’t end),

#95b — Bet her that you can go longer without using your powers than she can without working,

#95c — Marry her, (Lois Lane, not a clone, not some New Kryptonian lady, her — See Rule # 91)

#95d — Take her to Smallville,

#95e — (Extreme case — use only in a dire emergency) Ask Lois to get rid of some green K for you. Preferably in the Bermuda Triangle (then keep a long-distance eye on her. Who knows what kind of mischief she might get herself into while there?)

Rule #96 — Feed her fish. She will often forget about them in the pursuit of a story.

Rule #97 — If said fish meet their timely (or untimely) end, comfort Lois and help her find new ones to torture erm… nurture.

Clark could see the droplets of salt water that had stained the page and smiled. No matter how tough she claimed she was, the death of her fish had bothered her, but she hadn’t wanted to upset her husband. He sighed. Yes, Lois Lane was too easy to love.

He read again what she had written and gulped. Glancing up at Wells, he tried to calmly inquire, “Can you explain to me again how my powers go ‘haywire’ due to red Kryptonite?”

“It seems every time Clark was exposed to red Kryptonite it affected him differently, his emotions, his control, and then there was that one time he transferred his powers to Lois,” Herb explained. “When he lost control of his abilities, he couldn’t stop when he wanted to, he couldn’t turn off his heat vision, or control his strength. A little dose of green Kryptonite, and he was cured. At least red Kryptonite isn’t fatal.”

He nodded with understanding. It wasn’t fatal for him, that was. Clark returned his eyes to the list.

Rule #98 — Don’t worry about buying her potted flowers for her desk. She has a terrible black thumb when it comes to plants. Buy her cut flowers instead, as they are expected to die anyway (just remember to refill the container with water for her in the meantime.)

Rule #99 — Remind her that yes, you are weird. But it works for you.

Rule #100 — Even though Lois acts like she never wants children, this is just to disguise the fact that she’s scared of being a failure as a mother, as she assumes Ellen Lane was. (She wasn’t a complete failure, or Lois wouldn’t be the wonderful woman that she is.) Lois wants very much to have children and even broke down in tears when she learned that, biologically, we were incompatible to produce offspring. I’m sorry.

Clark’s jaw dropped. “We can’t have children?” he stammered. “It’s impossible?”

“You know, I’ve never liked that word,” Wells said with a knowing smile. “No, not impossible.”

“Not…” Clark’s eyes dropped down to the other Clark’s last rule.

Rule #101 — When you’re told that you can’t have children, be there for her. Don’t give up hope, and don’t let her give it up either. Be there for each other. You might just be surprised with what the future holds.

Clark’s eyes brightened, and the tears that had pooled in his eyes, now streaking down his cheeks, were of joy. “She’s pregnant. It is possible?”

Wells shrugged. “I always said, Lois would make a great mother.”

Clark closed the Handbook and set it down on his desk, crossing his arms. “Now, I believe there are some things we need to discuss in greater detail.”

H.G. Wells blanched at the intensity of Clark’s gaze and cleared his throat. “You know, Clark, it isn’t good to know too much about your future.”

“Uh-huh,” Clark said. “Too late for excuses, Herb. Get talking. Let’s start with this ‘curse’.”


Author Note: “Rule #63a: Frequent exposure to the elder Kents is good for Lois” was removed from this story as alt-Clark’s parents were dead and canon Clark hopefully would know better than to remind alt-Clark of that fact in his gag-gift. It was still included in the original Handbook as such a handbook would be helpful for Clark should he lose his memories.

Gratitude: I would like to thank everyone who contributed to the Lois Lane 101 — A Handbook. Without you, this story would have not been possible. I would also like to thank Mrs. Luthor for beta-ing this story for me. My apologies and thanks to Tank Wilson for having a sense of humor while I teased him in my story. Thanks also to all of you who caught my context mistakes in the FDK and/or suggested extra lines (especially datasprite12, Michael, and Olive). Thank you all.

Disclaimer: The characters in this story were created by Jerry Siegel & Joe Shuster as they were portrayed on the Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman television series, developed by Deborah Joy LeVine. These characters do not belong to me; they belong to themselves (although Warner Bros, DC Comics, and the heirs to Siegel and Shuster might disagree). These characters have invaded my psyche and forced me to write the following reenactment of their lives; although if you asked them, they might tell you that the plot is all my own.