By Dave Songer (songer@ALOHA.NET)
Summary: Some FoLCs, after liberating a device that allows them to transport themselves to the world of fiction, wreak havoc in Lois and Clark's universe.
Scene I - The Park
Fade IN… It's a cold and blustery day. The park is fairly empty as a few birds linger overhead. Winter chill has set in as the leaves begin to fall off the trees. Suddenly the silence is broken by the footsteps of a man. Quickly he winds down the path toward a pay phone. The man deposits a quarter and dials an out of state number. Slowly, the man looks up. It is the face of Robert Phelps.
"Good Morning Mr. Phelps," the voice says, "Please open the phone book to page 450. The three people whose faces are on this page are Andrea Aron, Zoomway, and Renate Brink. These people have taken a valuable piece of equipment from L&C Industries. The piece I'm referring to is a small handheld device which allows one to have the ability to transport themselves to any particular place in the world of Fiction. Our reports indicate that the device, which you see in front of you, has been used to transport several groups of people into Metropolis, the home of Superman.
The first group was under the direction of a General Havel. She and her mercenaries have crossed over into the world of Metropolis just yesterday. The second group, which transported over today, consists of Tad Takara, Jon Knutson, and James Esteves. The third group, which went after the first two, consists of Dave Songer and Don Roberts. The last group, which we believe just transported themselves just hours ago, consists of Andrea, Zoomway, and Renate."
Robert begins to shake his head in disbelief, "I can't believe these boneheads. Don't they realize it's dangerous to transport yourself into the Land of Fiction?"
The voice on the phone begins to speak again, "Your mission, Bob, is to locate the handheld device, secure it, and bring back the list members before the hole to Fiction Land closes. Once it's open, it can only stay open for 48 hours at a time. Anyone trapped in Fiction Land at that point will turn into a fictitious character…forever! This phone booth will explode in sixty seconds." Quickly, Robert checks the coin return to see if anyone was dumb enough to leave any money, and then scurries out to a park bench approximately 100 yards away as the phone booth explodes behind him. Sitting on the bench are the rest of the Unreliable Mission Force (UMF)…Tara O'Shea (code name Mom) and Mindy Young (code name Mork…sorry, Mindy…I know…10 demerit points).
Tara Well, what's it this time?
Mindy Don't tell us, O'Dette and her brown bags to stardom crew have hijacked the Good Humor man.
Robert No, I'm afraid it's more serious. It seems that everyone on the list has transported themselves over to Metropolis and it's our job to bring them back. Fortunately, The L&C Corporation gave me the remaining transportation device so we can go after them.
Tara How long have we got?
Robert Forty-eight hours until Def Con 4
Mindy You've got to be kidding. Where are we supposed to look? Metropolis is a big place. We'll never find them, at least not in 48 hours.
Robert Luckily, both devices have a homing device, so it shouldn't be too hard locating them. Got your stun guns, ladies?
Tara and Mindy Yeah…yeah.
Robert Let's go then…Ladies, we're history!
Suddenly Robert turns on the transportation device. There is a high pitch noise then begins to get louder and suddenly the three UMF members fade from view.
Scene II -Metropolis street corner outside the Daily Planet
Tad Takara, Jon Knutson, and James Esteves look up at the towering building known as the Daily Planet. Tad is looking at the copy of the Planet he has just purchased.
Tad Say, Lois Lane's column is about the upcoming Man and Woman of the Year for Metropolis. Seems they're going to choose the winners tonight at a celebrity ball being hosted by the Metropolis Press Club.
Jon Really? Who are the male nominees?
Tad There's Rick Rogers, Quarterback for the Metropolis Stars; Tom Burns, Attorney at Luthor, Luthor and Burns; Sir Benjamin Sterling, the best actor in Metropolis; Clark Kent, and …What? Lex Luthor!
James Never mind that. What about the women?
Tad Well, they got Deputy D.A. Mayson Drake, the Star's top reporter, Linda King, Lucy Lane, top airline stewardess for Metro Airlines, opera Diva Gloria Tusconi, and Lois Lane…Lois Lane!
Jon That's great. Well, since Andrea and the other two Amigoettes transported us here to the Land of Oz, we might as well make the best of it.
James Well, as you suspected, General Havel and the rest of her cronies arrived at the Planet over an hour ago and I'm sure they're up to no good.
Tad What do you say we go in and see if we can talk to Lois? :)
James I agree. I think we should see if we can help Lois win this award tonight.
Jon I think we better get ourselves hired here as reporters so we can find out what Lex is up to since he doesn't need this award.
Tad Maybe he does. It says that both male and female recipients win a check for $10,000, a round trip ticket to Smallville, season tickets to the Stars home games, but more importantly, a ride on the next shuttle which docks with the space station Prometheus next week. Wait a minute! That's it. That Bozo plans on doing something up there. I bet my Teri Hatcher images, he's up to something!
Jon I think you're right…Let's go inside boys and Tad, try not to get into any trouble.
The three file into the revolving door and out of sight. Slowly, two other people emerge from around the corner…It's Don Roberts and Dave Songer.
Dave Boy, Don, I knew Andrea, Rhen and Zoomie would make our dream come true someday…I can't believe we're actually here in Metropolis.
Don Yeah, I know what you mean, Dave. This is better than the time I got the call from Ed McMahon telling me I won $5,000 and a free bushel of corn from Smallville.
Dave Do you suppose that Jon and the other guys read Lois's column, too?
Don You can count on it. I think they're already a step ahead of us. They probably are on to Luthor, too and are trying to see what kind of dirt they can dig up so they can make a few brownie (Do you like this color, O'Dette?) points with Lois.
Dave Well two can play at that game. What do you say we go inside as well? I bet Perry would hire us in a flash if we sang Blue Hawaii!
Don We're already there man…Let's do it!
Slowly the two fade into the revolving door and out of sight. Yet just as they were spying on Jon, Tad, and James…Some people in a Grey Grand Jeep Cherokee are spying on them from across the street. Through the tinted window of the jeep are silhouettes of three women.
Zoomie I love it when a plan comes together.
Andrea Your so wicked Zooms, I thought we were doing everyone a favor by inviting them to Metropolis?
Renate We are, Andrea. But it's so much fun when you put them altogether and see who comes out on top. You see, whoever wins is going to be too busy trying to stop Lex to notice us whisking away Clark for ourselves.
Andrea What if Clark doesn't win the award tonight?
Zoomie Relax, Lex will sabotage the balloting by having Nigel switch ballot boxes. However, all that snake charming music I played for Asabe won him over. He's going to switch the real boxes back.
Renate seems like you covered all the bases, didn't you?
Zoomie Not all of them, It seems we forgot about the other handheld transportation device and I'm certain that the L & C Corp. will send the Unreliable Mission Force.
Andrea Come on! Those turkeys couldn't find a lock of Elvis's hair in a Memphis pawn shop! By the time they figure out we're in Metropolis, it will be too late. The window to the real world will be closed and they won't be able to get in.
Renate I hope so…I'd hate to face the Wrath of MOM!
Zoomie Okay Andrea…we've seen enough here…let's get out of here. I want to be ready at the Metropolis Press Club tonight when the awards are passed out.
Andrea turns the key over and the Jeep engine begins to rumble. Slowly she takes it out of park and slips it into drive.
Renate Andrea…how come we're not moving?
Andrea Oops, I forgot to take the emergency brake off :)
Zoomie Let's hit it, Andrea…I don't want the gang to see us or the jig is up!
Slowly the jeep pulls out of the parking stall with Andrea's Jazz tapes blaring away inside…
Suddenly, down by Uncle Mike's Restaurant three people materialize.
Robert Phelps Wow…now I know how Arnold felt when he materialized in present day earth in THE TERMINATOR.
Tara Good thing we still have our clothes on though.
Robert I'm picking up a signal on the transporter. I think it's over by the Daily Planet. Let's get a cab and get over there.
Tara You got it. Mindy, let's…Mindy! Quit looking at Uncle Mike's menu! This is no time for food!
Mindy Well, you said I deserved a break today and since we didn't stop at MacDonald's, I thought we could grab a bite to eat here.
Tara Are you a few fries short of a happy meal? We've got work to do…or do you want to get stuck here forever?
Mindy I wouldn't mind ending up here with Clark…might be kind of nice actually.
Robert Enough ladies…I got the cab…get over here! I have no desire to stay here forever…let's get moving.
Rapidly the three pile into the backside of the metro cab and it bolts away from the curb…next stop…the Twilight Zone!
This ends Act I…Act II to follow. (Moon over Metropolis, ACT II By: Dave Songer (songer@ALOHA.NET)
Scene I (Daily Planet - Perry White's office)
There are a large group of women inside Perry White's office, along with Perry White and Jimmy Olsen. Both Clark Kent and Lois are working meticulously at their respective desks.
Perry stands and addresses the group.
Perry You say your name's O'Dette Havel? And these are your helpers? I can't afford to hire all of you. I can only afford to hire one temporary reporter while Eduardo Freias is on temporary leave.
O'Dette That's no problem, Perry. These are my associates and they don't want anything. They help me out from time to time and this is one of those times.
Perry (pointing outside his office) You see those two reporters, O'Dette? That's Clark Kent and Lois Lane. They're the two best reporters in the city. You think you're ready to get down in the mud with them and sling it out?
O'Dette Of course, Perry. We're here to help any way we can. Believe me, you won't be sorry.
Perry And what about these people helping you?
O'Dette Perry, I'd like you to meet the finest discussion (ahem), I mean the finest list of people around. This is Laurel Brooks, Jennifer Baker, Debby Stark, Gail Lefkowitz, Kathy Pernisek, Ming Yeung, Melinda Rich, Kay Helgesen, Linda Lee Franson, Linda Deneroff, Melissa Dore, Mary Wallace, Dayna Vanderveen, and Ellen Rubinstein.
Everyone acknowledges each other.
Perry Wow. Great shades of Wayne Irig, I don't think I can fit any more people in this office. You sure you can get me a front page story O'Dette?
O'Dette No problem, Perry, would you like us to help you interview the MALE candidates for the Man of the Year award? (Pavlov's bell goes off and everyone begins salivating at the thought of interviewing CK!).
Perry Good idea, O'Dette. Take Jimmy here with you. I need for you to interview Rick Rogers, star quarterback for the Metropolis Stars; Tom Burns from the law office of Luthor, Luthor, and Burns; Sir Benjamin Sterling from the Actors Guild; Lex Luthor; and our very own, Clark Kent. Think you can handle that?
O'Dette Of course, Perry, and by the way, if I may say so myself, that new toupee you're wearing makes you look like a stud muffin!
Perry begins to blush as the girls file out of Perry's office and into the news room.
O'Dette Laurel, I want you to take Jennifer Baker and Dayna Vanderveen with you and go interview Lex. Find out what he's up to…use your seductive charms on him and let me know if he's fixed the balloting or something…and try to make it back in one piece!
Laurel He's as good as mine, General Havel. By the time Lieutenant JijiB, Private Vanderveen, and I are through with him, he'll be ready to sign over LexCorp to us.
O'Dette Good…Make it so Number One! :)
Captain Brooks, Lt. JijiB, and Private Vanderveen file out.
O'Dette Corporal Wallace, I want you to go out and interview this guy Burns…just do the routine check on him. I don't think he'll win, but get the lowdown on him. Take Privates Pernisek and Yeung with you.
Mary Yes, General. We'll see what his story is and find out why there are two Luthors at the law firm.
Corporal Mary Wallace, and Privates Kathy Pernisek and Ming Yeung file out of the office and into the elevator.
O'Dette Corporal Rubinstein, take Privates Melissa Dore and Linda Deneroff with you. Get the lowdown on quarterback Rick Rogers and make sure you stay away from any forward passes, okay?
Ellen Mon General…have a little faith. I'll make sure his backfield isn't in motion. We'll get the info we need and be back in a flash.
Ellen, Melissa, and Linda file out of the office and onto the elevator.
O'Dette Corporal Rich, I want you and Privates Kay Helgesen and Linda Lee Franson to go interview this actor fellow… what's his name?
Melinda Benjamin Sterling, General.
O'Dette That's the one. Make certain you find out his story and don't waste much time on him…We all know who's going to win this thing.
Melinda Got it, General…We're already on it.
Quickly, Melinda, Kay and Linda Lee scoot out of the office and onto the elevator.
Gail What about us, General?
Debby Yes, General, what about us?
O'Dette Well, Corporals Lefkowitz and Stark…you're staying with me. We're going to spend the day getting the lowdown on CK!
Gail YES, THERE IS A GOD!!!
Debby It's too good to be true, General.
O'Dette Okay girls, get a hold of yourselves and follow me.
The three trample each other to get to Clark's desk and the three practically fall flat on his lap as Lois and the other people look up.
Clark Are you okay, miss?
Gail Uh…yes…I…mean…of course. How silly of me to tear your shirt open and fondle, ahem, I mean touch your chest.
Clark That's okay as long as you didn't hurt yourself.
O'Dette Actually Mr. Kent, this is Gail Lefkowitz and the other one with that glazed look on her face is Debby Stark.
Clark Pleased to meet you, Gail and Debby
Gail and Debby look at each other and drop to their knees.
Gail and Debby We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Clark gets this quizzical look.
Clark Are they always like this, miss..?
O'Dette Havel…Miss O'Dette Havel. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Kent.
Clark Please, call me Clark. There's no reason to make a fuss. I don't know why they nominated me for this award. I don't see why I got chosen.
The three women ogle Clark
Gail I think I can find some reasons. (she chuckles.)
O'Dette knock it off, Corporal!…ahem…I mean, Gail.
Clark They want me to do a photo shoot from my apartment. They want me to do a shower scene or something.
Gail (whispers to Debby) I think I'm going to wet my skirt!
Debby I think I just did.
O'Dette Well, why don't we take you home to your apartment and see if we can't get you wet. (O'Dette chuckles.)
Jimmy O'Dette, the chief told me to go with you to take the pictures.
O'Dette Okay, give me the camera first.
Jimmy hands O'Dette the camera and steps back.
O'Dette Now, Jimmy, before we take off, I need for you to do one favor for me. I want you to go down to Lucille's and get the Chief some of those jelly donuts he likes so much and when you're through with that we can all leave together.
Jimmy quickly runs up to the elevator and gets in.
O'Dette Okay girls, we're outta here. Let's go, Clark, otherwise we'll be late.
Clark Okay, girls…let's go.
Clark, accompanied by O'Dette, Gail, and Debby take off for naked…ahem…I mean, greener pastures.
SCENE II (The Daily Planet newsroom)
Jon Knutson, Tad Takara, and James Esteves get out of the elevator and survey the situation.
Jon Stick by me guys. I'm not sure what kind of stunt Zoomie and her cohorts are up to, or General Havel either, for that matter.
James TAD! Don't look now, but there's Lois!!!!
Tad Oh my God!…My knees are shaking…I think I can't move my legs…
Jon Will you two knock it off…You guys are unbelievable. Now, don't look conspicuous and just follow my lead.
The three begin to move towards Perry's office and pass Lois's desk in the process. Lois jumps up and grabs Tad.
Lois Are you the messenger?
Lois flings Tad aside.
Lois Get me the messenger! What kind of an outfit is this?
Tad begins to hyperventilate, but Jon grabs a paper bag for Tad to breath into and soon Tad is back to normal. The three enter Perry's office.
Jon Mr. White?
Perry Yeah. Who in blazes are you?
Jon Jon…Jon Knutson, sir.
Perry I'm swamped, Jon. I have to find some people who can interview Mayson Drake, Linda King, Lucy Lane and Lois Lane right away. Actually some kid named Suen came in and offered to interview Lois but I told him to go interview Lucy instead…Myers already interviewed Gloria Tusconi. I'm not sure who's gonna handle the rest and tonight's the deadline.
Jon Well, Perry. That's why we're here. My associates and I came over from the National Whisper to help out. Just think of us as reporters on loan and you don't have to pay us.
Perry I'm stunned, Jon. This is unbelievable! If you can help me out here, I'll put in a good word with your boss.
Jon No problem. I figured we could help out by interviewing Lois Lane.
Perry What about Mayson and Linda?
Jon Actually, there should be a couple of guys along any minute who can handle that…they're right up your alley and I'm sure they can handle it…names are Roberts and Songer.
Perry Sounds good to me…get on it, Jon, and don't screw this up.
Jon Trust me! (Jon giggles.)
The three pile out of Perry's office and over to Lois's desk. Jon has the child restrains on James and Tad so they don't wander away. Lois looks up from her desk.
Jon Miss Lane, my name is Jon Knutson and these are my associates.
Lois Look more like wolves in sheep's clothing to me. What do you want, Knutson?
Jon We're here to accompany you on your interview. We're going to take pictures and chat a bit.
Lois looks suspiciously at Jon and then at Tad.
Lois You guys look familiar. You don't deliver pizza, do you?
Jon (starting to perspire) Ahem…no…no we don't.
Lois Okay, let's hit it…we're supposed to go do a scene in my apartment and let's get one thing straight. I run the interview…I call the shots, I say what goes. You are low man and I'm top banana, got it?
Jon Got it…you like to be on top!
Lois flashes Jon a look of disgust.
Lois Don't push me, Knutson, and take those stupid child restraints off of those two clowns. You look like a walking day care center.
James Thanks, Ms. Lane, I was beginning to worry about my boss here…thought he didn't trust us. <g>
Lois From the looks of things, he's probably wise not to. Come on, let's go. I don't suppose you have a car?
Jon Ahem…no, I don't…My Porsche 911 is in the shop.
Lois flashes Jon another look of disgust.
Lois Really! How convenient. Guess we'll have to take my Jeep.
Tad Lois, what color's your jeep?
Lois It's grey.
Tad I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
Lois (another look of disgust) Men!…Let's hit it!
The three enter the elevator and exit, just as the other one opens. Don Roberts and Dave Songer get out.
Dave Don, I don't see Jon, Tad, or James.
Don More importantly, I don't see Lois.
Dave Seems like everyone's up to something. I bet it all centers around those characters, Zoomie, Rhen and Andrea.
Don You can count on it, Dave. Where there's trouble, there's Zoomie.
The three proceed to Perry's office. When they enter, Hound Dog by Elvis is on the cassette deck and Perry is dancing on the desk with his shirt open.
Don and Dave look at each other in astonishment and then back at Perry.
Perry Howdy boys…great day…you must be Roberts and Songer.
Dave (still looking astonished) Hi…a…Perry…how's it going? (amazed)
Don (whispers to Dave) This guy's driveway doesn't go all the way to the street.
Perry I'm great, fellas. Friend of yours was just here and said you guys could help me out with an interview.
Dave and Don look at each other with a bit of skepticism.
Dave We're listening, Perry?
Perry I need for you guys to go interview Linda King over at the Metropolis Star and Mayson Drake at the D.A.'s office. How about it?
Dave and Don look at each other.
Dave and Don (whisper to each other) That Jon…he knew we were right behind him…He set us up.
They turn to Perry Don Okay, Perry, we'll do it.
Perry Good. After the interview, I need you to accompany the two nominees to the awards ceremony tonight at the Metropolis Press Club.
Dave Okay, Perry…we're on it.
The two leave Perry to his Elvis music and proceed out of the building. They catch a cab over to visit Mayson where Don exits and Dave proceeds on to Linda King's office at the Star.
Just as Dave and Don's cab pulls away, another cab pulls up to the Planet. This one with the Unreliable Mission Force (UMF).
Mindy Say wasn't that Dave Songer and Don Roberts that just took off in that cab?
Robert It sure looked like them.
Mindy 50 DEMERIT POINTS!
Tara When I get my hands on Zoomie, Andrea, and Rhen, they ain't going to walk for a week.
Robert I think we got trouble, ladies.
Robert opens the handheld transporter and discovers the worst. The battery inside is not an Eveready.
Tara What's wrong?
Robert The battery is dead!
Mindy We're history!
Just then Jimmy Olsen comes out of the Planet a bit stunned.
Robert Say…Uh…Jimmy…We're friends of Perry White's. Have there been a bunch of unusual people at the Planet today?
Jimmy I'll say…the group I was supposed to be with left without me. Some guys named Tad, James and Jon.
The three in the cab look excitedly at each other.
Robert Do you know where everyone went?
Jimmy No. But I know where they'll all be. They'll all be at the Metropolis Press Club tonight for the award ceremony.
Tara Would that be the one they've been announcing on the radio?
Jimmy That would be it.
Robert (turning to the others) That's it then. All we have to do is wait at the Metropolis Press Club tonight and we'll get everyone in one fell swoop.
The three passengers glance at each other with satisfaction as the cab speeds away…Next Stop…The Twilight Zone.
This ends Act II to be followed by the exciting conclusion in Act III.
Moon over Metropolis, ACT III (Part 3 of 3) By: Dave Songer (songer@ALOHA.NET)
SCENE I - Clark's apartment
O'Dette, Gail, and Debby await Clark coming out of the shower.
Gail I can't see a thing with all this steam.
O'Dette Gail cut that out! Quit looking through the key hole for a better view.
Debby Gail you're so terrible <g>
Gail He just stepped out of the shower!
The three girls scramble to get any glimpse they can through the small keyhole. Suddenly Clark comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and startles the girls. All three topple onto the floor. Clark has a quizzical look about him.
O'Dette Uh…Oh…sorry, Clark, we were just setting up the photo shoot.
Clark Outside my bathroom door?
Debby We wanted to achieve that sweet smell of success effect.
Clark (a little apprehensive) I see.
O'Dette Clark, never mind all that. Come over here and give us that beefcake look while we snap a few pictures for the fans.
Clark gives the beefcake look to our enthralled viewers and O'Dette happily snaps three rolls of film.
Clark Great. I guess now we can get ready for the award ceremony. I have a feeling that Lex will probably win. A lot of people think he's a great guy.
Gail Yeah, and Wayne Irig is the Easter bunny!
Clark How do you know Wayne Irig?
Debby We don't…just saw him on TV once. He's such a babe!
Clark You girls are really unusual.
Gail Our act gets better as you follow along <g>
Clark Really. Well I'll go throw on a suit and be right back.
Debby Need help picking out a tie?
O'Dette pokes Debbie in the arm and tells her to knock it off.
Gail I could massage your toes if you like?
O'Dette Really, you two are terrible. Get a hold of yourselves. Clark, can I help you with your underarm deodorant or something?
Gail and Debby flash each other a look of disgust. Soon Clark emerges all dressed up and the four are ready to head to the award ceremony.
SCENE II - Lois Lane's apartment
Lois Lane is in her new purple dress with straps over the shoulders. Jon motions to Tad to start taking pictures and Tad snaps off a few.
Tad Give me a big smile, Lois.
Lois Don't you think you should take the lens cap off before you try to snap any more pictures?
Tad Uh…um…right…lens cap…right…has to come off. That's how they take pictures, without the lens cap. Oh…silly me…why didn't I think of that?
James quickly picks up one of Lois's Harlequin Romance novels…THE NIGHT THE SMART KIDS FOUND THE BIRDS AND THE BEES. Lois quickly glances over at James and he quickly looks away pretending to read.
Lois I see you like to read, James.
James Oh…yes…very much so…I guess you could say I'm a walking Compton's Encyclopedia.
Lois Really? I don't think I've read a book… UPSIDE DOWN BEFORE!
James begins to perspire and quickly flips the book right side up.
Jon Don't mind them, Lois…they're just interns… haven't learn the ropes yet.
Lois Really. Well, I think you all better go back to to the boy scouts and relearn the knot thing all over again.
Jon Relax Lois, I have the whole thing under control.
Lois Then we're in big trouble here. We have a half hour to go before the ceremony and your hacks from Nowheresville haven't finished taking my pictures yet!
Jon throws a stern look at Tad who quickly removes the lens cap on the camera and snaps the rest of the pictures.
Tad And they thought it could only come from the minds of Minolta!
Lois Please! Barney Rubble was 100 times more evolved than you guys! You guys wait here while I get dressed!
Tad Can I give you a hand, Lois?
Lois No! But I can give you the boot if you like!
Jon Knock it off, Tad.
After 25 minutes, Lois emerges in a purple dress without straps and cut around the shoulders. Her hair is pulled back and tucked in.
Lois Come on, let's go.
Lois flies through the room and grabs James on the way past. Suddenly something falls out of James's pocket onto the floor.
Lois (Bending down to pick it up) What's this? ONE OF MY DOUBLE NUT FUDGE CRUNCH BARS! You, Weasel! You went into my private stash of DOUBLE NUT FUDGE CRUNCH BARS!
While James is getting the brunt of Lois's tirade…Jon and Tad try to sneak out the door of the apartment.
Lois AND JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU TWO ARE GOING?
Jon Uh…um…out to hail a cab?
Lois Wrong answer. You guys think you're three slick Casanovas, don't you? Well let me tell you, I'm going to have my eye on you three tonight and if any one of you gets out of line, I'll put a child restraint on you myself!
Tad You promise, Lois?
Lois looks to the sky and just shakes her head.
Lois Hurry up you knuckleheads or we'll be late.
Lois, Jon, Tad, and James file out of Lois's apartment.
SCENE III - The Awards Ceremony
Perry White, the host gives the opening ceremonies and the festivities begin. People are sitting around the dinner tables awaiting the announcement of the winners.
(Table one with Mayson Drake, Linda King, Don Roberts and Dave Songer)
Mayson Don, I want to thank you for taking the time to interview me today. You know, Clark Kent is 10 times the man Superman is, but your 10 times the man Clark is…that makes you 20 times the man Superman is. Have I told you today that you really turn me on? You remind me of my old boss, Bill Church.
Don (wiping the lipstick off his face) Yes, you did…I think you've told me that about every five minutes today.
By the way Dave, did you enjoy the fire I built in the fireplace for us this afternoon? How was the wine and the cold chicken?
Dave(pulling up his collar to hide hickeys) Yes…uh…Linda…it was great.
Dave and Don flash each other a look of embarrassment.
Table two (Lois Lane, Jon Knutson, Tad Takara, and James Esteves)
Lois There's no way those whales on table one should win. I can't believe they even got nominated. And who are those goons they're fondling? That scene reminds me of Clan of the Cave Bears!
Tad Now, Lois…there's no reason to be petty here. You should just let nature take it's course.
Lois Thank you, Professor Hamilton, for those words of wisdom.
Jon (whispering to James) I think I see just about everyone from the list here except Zoomie, Andrea, and Renate. Where could they be?
James I don't know but you can bet they're near by.
(Table three, four, five, and six) O'Dette, Gail, Debbie, Laurel, Jennifer, O'Dette's cohorts, Lex Luthor, Clark Kent, Rick Rogers, Benjamin Sterling, and Tom Burns.
O'Dette Laurel, did you get the dirt on Lex over there?
Laurel Yes. He was a tough nut to crack but after I pumped him full of Pheromones he was singing to me like a bird. Seems he's rigged the balloting so he wins. He plans on going up on the space shuttle and sabotaging the space station Prometheus. Seems LexCorp has built another space station.
Lex (from across the table) Laurel, my darling, can I have the first dance after the ceremony? You do want to dance with the winner, right? You promised me the first dance, remember? You also promised me a calendar of the Girls of Wellesley College, right?
Laurel Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! Now just finish you're dinner, Lex.
Gail Clark…I hope you don't mind me sitting next to you.
Clark No, I don't mind, Gail. Actually it's your hands on my knees that are making me feel awkward.
Gail But I only have one hand on one of your knees.
Gail glances past Clark at the woman sitting on the other side of him.
Debby Sorry, Clark…I couldn't help it.
Clark just shakes his head in disbelief.
Perry White calls the evening guests back to order.
Perry Ladies and gentleman…It's my extreme pleasure to get to the fun part of the evening when we decide who the Man and Woman of the Year are here in Metropolis. At this time, I'd like to bring out two of our finest citizens to pass out the awards. Please join me in giving a warm round of applause to Bill Church and Wanda Mae Winfield Waldecker.
Everyone cheers as the couple approaches the podium.
Wanda Mae Thank you, Mr. Lincoln, for reciting the Gettysburg address so eloquently. Bill, you stud muffin, will you do the honors of announcing the Female receptacle…I mean recipient?
Bill Why thank you, Wanda Mae. Oops, sorry folks. These envelopes always seem harder to open with a spotlight on you. By the way, our new golf putter is down to $15.95 so don't miss out on it this year. Ahem…and The female recipient for 1995 is… Lois Lane! (Loud applause)
Lois Lane stands and approaches the stage…once there, she thanks everyone for their support and is escorted back stage by Bill Church.
Wanda Mae Why thank you…isn't Betsy Ross lovely…I knew she'd win the award this evening…now if only Fonzie can win the male recipient, the evening will be complete. Ladies and Germs…it's my extreme discomfort to announce this year's male recipient as… Clark Kent!
Lex who was already standing up slumps back in his chair.
Lex That's impossible…That's my award…get me the President on the phone…NO! Get me the Pope…No, GET ME BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD!…ON THE PHONE…NOW!
Quickly…list members bolt from their tables and converge backstage.
O'Dette Well, Mr. Knutson…nice of you to drop into Fiction Land…I see you brought Larry and Curly Joe with you, too!
Jon Very funny O'Dette. I could say the same thing about you…I didn't think we could fit all of F Troop in one room.
Don Roberts Jon…we wanted to interview Lois…how did you know Dave and I were on to you?
Jon When we came into Fiction Land, I saw a store selling blow up dolls of Teri Hatcher…I knew you guys were around somewhere.
Dave O'Dette! Gail! Debby!…JijiB!…How did you folcs get here?
Gail Oh, I see you and Don caught up with us…Boy, you two were slow to catch on.
Debby (glancing at Don and Dave) Look, JijiB…Heckle and Jeckle finally made it.
James Wait a minute…where's Tad? And where's Lois?
Quickly everyone looks around to see Lois and Tad making out in the corner of the room…
Lois Oh, Tad…I won…I…won…you were right…I shouldn't be so petty sometimes…
Tad (gasping for air) No problem, Lois…it's all in a day's work.
Laurel Hey, wait a minute…where's Clark?
Quickly everyone files out of the back of the room and out the back door of the Metropolis Press Club…Gail and Debby are slowly getting up off the ground. Clark, meantime, is in the back of a stretch limo pulling away from the curb.
O'Dette What happened to you two?
Gail It was Zoomie and Rhen…they bopped us and stole Clark…he's in the back of that limo pulling away.
Everyone watches with clenched fists as Zoomie and Renate wave to them with champagne glasses in hand…Andrea rapidly turns the car into the lane but is quickly cut off by a taxi, blocking her forward progress.
Zoomie Andrea…did you forget to take the emergency break off again? Get us out of here or we're dead.
Andrea I can't…this New York taxi driver cut me off…we're stuck.
Renate (looking out the back window) Andrea…Zoomie…they're running up behind us…we're history.
Slowly from the cab emerge the supreme leaders of Truth, Justice and some other thing the narrator can't remember. The Unreliable Mission Force (UMF) Robert Phelps gets out along with Tara and Mindy. Quickly O'Dette and the rest of the gang pull Clark from the limo. Tara has Andrea and Renate by their ears…
Tara YOU TWO! I'm going to tan your hides like cheap leather.
Renate OUCH! MOM THAT HURTS!
Andrea YEAH, MOM…OUCH!…THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME!
Robert Well, Zooms…what do you have to say for yourself?
Zoomie If at first you don't succeed!
Robert Enough!…We're all going back to reality!
Suddenly Robert turns on the handheld device and a high pitch noise begins to growl…suddenly as it reaches a crescendo the group vanishes.
CONCLUSION (BACK IN REALITY)
Robert Damn…I hate that leap back to reality…the jet lag really kills you.
Don You spoiled all our fun, Bob…we still had about 24 hours left.
Dave Yeah, Bob…things were just starting to get interesting.
Dave and Don flash each other an evil grin…
O'Dette Well, girls…we gave it a try…at least we stopped Lex from doing any damage.
Laurel Yep…and I didn't even have to dance with Lex…I just have to figure out how I'm going to send him that Girls of Wellesley Calendar I promised him.
Gail Bummers…well, don't feel bad…Debby and I never got a chance to dance with Clark.
Jon Well, Lois and I never had a chance to dance either, you know.
James Uh, Jon…
Jon Not now, James…I'm finishing my story…anyway, Lois and I were together on the same table and she promised me the last dance.
James Uh, Jon…
Jon What is it James?
James Your other child restraint came off…I don't think Tad is here…
Everyone looks around but Tadlington is no where to be found.
Zoomie Hey…my transporter device is gone!
Tara I bet Tad has got it and he's still in Metropolis.
Everyone in Unison TAD, YOU WEASEL…GET BACK HERE NOWWWWWW!
Meanwhile…back in Metropolis…a boy and a woman walk hand in hand after emerging from the Metropolis Press Club.
Lois Tad…that was brave of you to confront those kidnappers of Clark and to expose Lex's plan like that. How long are you in town for?
Tad throws the transporter along the curb.
Tad The rest of my life. Say, did I ever tell you that you look a lot like Teri Hatcher?
Lois (squeezing Tad's hand) No…but I'm sure you'll have plenty of time for that.
The two begin to stroll toward Lois's apartment.
Lois You can stay with me tonight and then we'll get you a job at the Planet. By the way…do you like oatmeal?
Tad momentarily turns away from Lois and makes an ugly face and then turns back to Lois with a smile…
Tad I LOOOOOVVVEEEE OATMEAL, LOIS!
Lois Good…'cause I just learned out to make it.
Tad gulps and begins to perspire…
As the two stroll merrily along the street and proceed up into Lois's apartment building, they fail to notice a cab stop in the street. A man gets out and picks up the handheld transportation device and gets back in the cab with Lucy Lane…It's Suen.
Lucy What was that all about? And who's that guy with my sister?
Suen Just a friend…he forgot his …his…cellular phone…that's it…yeah…yeah…that's the ticket…anyway…we better wait for him over here. When he comes out, I'll have to have a word with him…
Lucy what if he spends the night?
Suen (with a smirk) Then you and I will have to find some way to amuse ourselves, Lucy…
Lucy blushes and snuggles up to Suen…
Thus ends our Play…Moon over Metropolis…Stay tuned for THE WRATH OF MOM!!!!!!!