Lois and Clark Fiction

By The Grrrman (grrr@grrr.rutgers.edu)

Summary: Lois and Clark pay a visit to a hopping 50's diner, Jackrabbit Slims, in this Pulp Fiction spoof. A Pulp Fiction spoof




A short walkway lines the small space between Lois Lane's house and the condo's which line the rest of the street. CLARK KENT strolls up the walkway leading to Lois Lane's front door. When he gets to the glass door, he hears music on the other side, and sees a note in plain view taped to it. He rips it off.


"Hi, Clarkie, I'm getting dressed. The door's open. Come inside and make yourself at home. Lois"

Clark gives off a grin and reaches for the door handle. Clark gives a hear-goes-nothing breath as he enters.


As Clark steps inside, the music heard faintly before swells drastically. The lyrics go, "The only one who could ever reach me, was the one called Superman!" Clark gulps at this.

CLARK (to himself) I don't remember Dusty Springfield ever singing *that* line.

He puts his hands in his pockets and ventures inside, checking out the place.

CLARK (CONT'D) (yelling) Hello! I'm here!

We hear a door open. Clark turns in this direction.


We're inside the room where the music is playing. In the foreground LOIS LANE, naked with her back to us, talks to Clark through a crack in the door. The door shields the front of her body from Clark. A CU of Clark shows him drastically resisting the usage of his super eyesight as…

LOIS (OS) Clark?

CLARK It's me. Are you almost ready?

LOIS (OS) Pleased to meetcha. I'm still getting dressed. To your left, in the kitchen is some freshly brewed oolong tea. Help yourself, there's some chocolate cake there too Clark. But, please leave some for me! Have a seat in the living room and I'll be out within' three shakes of a lamb's tail.

CLARK OK, Lois, take your time.

PAN TO THE DOOR Lois closes the door. Before we can catch her face…


BACK TO CLARK standing where he was, he begins to futz around with various ornaments around the apartment. Anything to keep his hands busy. We CU on the now closed door, then CU on Clark. His face spells "wonder what's behind there" then a cheap grin. He quickly loses the grin and continues on his 'tinkering around' escapade and we FOLLOW him into the kitchen.

Clark pours himself some oolong, and picks out a slice of the mocha cake as…

CLARK Deeeelicious!

We JUXTAPOSE back to Lois behind the closed door. The music is loud so that she cannot catch Clark's comment about the food. We see Lois's hand reach for a burgundy dress. LONG SHOT back to Lois's living room. Clark is stumbling around with the cup of tea, sipping now and then. JUXTAPOSE again to Lois, she is now in the dress, she looks herself up and down in the mirror then a bright smile appears. She is dressed to kill. She removes the 'Campbell's Soup Can' hair curlers and puts them down on her dresser.

CU - PORTRAIT OF LOIS AND HER FATHER hanging on the living room wall, showing Lois with a disgruntled face sitting next to her father. The father looks just plain unpleasant as if he didn't even want to be in the photo.

HIGH ANGLE SHOT OF CLARK looking up concerned at the portrait.

CU - Lois scribbling some things down in a note pad.

LOIS (to herself) Lois, you gotta stop this, just sit back and enjoy yourself for once. The story can wait till later… Clark finally shows up and you start doing work!

MEDIUM ANGLE back in Lois's living room. Clark falls onto a plush, comfy couch.

CU - Lois's hand, again with pen. She's scrawling down a few more words and constantly fights her desire to keep writing. She throws the pen down as if to say 'enough'. She turns around and steps towards the stereo from which the song is playing. CU on Lois's finger reaching for the controls of the CD-player.

CU - Clark on the couch, he checks his watch as…

CLARK You almost ready?!

The song abruptly cuts off.

CLARK (CONT'D) I guess that means yes.

The CAMERA follows behind Lois's bare feet as she walks out of the dressing room. Clark is eyeing her. She traverses through the dining room, through the kitchen and into the living room.

SHOT THROUGH A VIDEO CAMERA Lois is holding up and looking through the eyepiece of a home video camera, pointing it directly at Clark on the couch. His eyes widen at the event.

LOIS (OS) Smile, you're on Candid Camera, Clark!

CLARK (ignoring the camera) Come on, are you ready to go?

LOIS (OS) No, no, Mr. Kent, we're making a movie here. Be a sport, Clark!

Lois walks closer to Clark, camera still rolling. Clark looks very uneasy about the whole situation.

LOIS (OS - CONT'D) Ever watch Barbara Walters do those crazy interviews?

CLARK A few times. Why? This is silly.

She pulls the camera eye-piece away from her face as she explains what is about to happen. Due to the way the camera is resting in Lois's palm, our view of Clark is now tilted ninety degrees.

LOIS (OS) Clarkie, I'll be the interviewer and you pretend to be Superman. It'll be an interview between him and me. The ratings will go through the roof! You won't have any trouble impersonating him, will ya?

TWO SHOT of Lois and Clark in the living room. Almost all the furniture is white, making for a very bright scene. Clark returns a quick chuckle to himself before…

CLARK (kiddingly) Lois, how much have you had to drink before I came over? You're acting very strange.

LOIS (OS) Come on, Clark, it'll be fun. Loosen up and have a good time. Ya know we get pent up in that office all day, think you'd like to vent a little bit and have a good time.

CLARK (succumbing) Fine, Lois, just make this quick. I'm starving…

LOIS (OS) OK, let's begin…

She pulls the camera eyepiece back up, SHOT THROUGH THE VIDEO CAMERA continues, Lois fixes the focus as we recognize Clark still standing in front.

LOIS (CONT'D) What's it like… (sensuously) …to be "The Man of Steel"?

CLARK This is ridiculous! I can't do this!

LOIS (OS) Clark!

CLARK (reluctant) Fine, it's… uhhh… super!

LOIS (OS) That's not what Superman would say, Clark! Come on, be more realistic or else everyone would change the channel on us!

CLARK I wouldn't blame them, because I'm an obvious impostor.

LOIS (OS) Grrr, Clark!

CLARK Come on let's get going.

LOIS (OS) Fine, Clark, if you must be a party poop!

Return to a TWO SHOT of Lois and Clark, now near the doorway. Lois puts down the camera and grabs her coat. Clark helps her put the coat on. He really wants to get out of this place.

CLARK Got your keys?

LOIS (looking back at Clark) What do you think I am, galactically stupid?

CLARK (giggling) Come on Lois, let's go.

Lois and Clark leave through the doorway. Clark is last and closes the door behind him.


As the door is closing, we begin a TWO SHOT of the couple, FOLLOWING them as they make their way towards the end of the walkway. The street is lined with expensive cars, BMW's, PORSCHE's, and MERCEDES BENZ just to name a few. These vehicles become more and more apparent as we near the street. Lois has really moved up in the world. Lois and Clark are walking side by side. Clark has both hands in his pants pockets, he removes one as if he is about to say something as…

CLARK So what is it with you and Superman? Why do you obsess yourself with him so much, Lois?

Lois's head turns. She's quite angry at the comment.

LOIS I AM NOT obsessed with Superman! I like him, but that is it! Besides, like you said, he is *super*…

Clark is still doing his one-arm-motions as he confronts Lois with…

CLARK You even have Superman pajamas! OK, Lois, then here it goes, who do you *like* better? Me or Superman? Huh?

LOIS (facing Clark) Well, I've never really thought about it so I can't give you a good honest answer.

They have reached their destination, Lois's jeep. The CAMERA STOPS and keeps this angle through the end of the scene. Lois enters the driver's side as…

CLARK (to himself) He's got super powers; I've got super problems…

Clark opens the passenger side door and enters…



We begin in the parking lot. In the background of all the cars, we see nothing except this hopping fifties diner. LIVELY MUSIC can be heard from inside as Lois parks the jeep. A MEDIUM SHOT of a big sign with a neon figure of a cartoon surly cool cat jack rabbit in a red wind breaker which towers above the establishment. Under the cartoon is the name "Jackrabbit Slim's", underneath this is the slogan "Next best thing to a time machine" … how fitting… A TIGHT TWO SHOT of Lois and Clark eyeing this place. Lois's mouth is half open and Clark's eyes are popping out.

CLARK You sure you want to go to this place?

LOIS Oh come on, Clark, give it a chance. You may actually enjoy yourself.

CLARK I highly doubt it.

LOIS Besides, Perry recommended it and you you know how picky he is with things. Don't make this night a downer, liven up already, Clark!

CLARK He recommends anything with Elvis written all over it…

MEDIUM SHOT of Lois as she takes the first few steps towards the building. Behind her we can see that kids are hopping and skipping hand-in-hand from all over; the place is a zoo! It's just like a cliche' episode of "Happy Days" gone mad.

LOIS (waving him towards the entrance) Ohhhh.. Come on, daddy-o, let's go!

CLARK (OS) (reluctantly) All right Lois, whatever you say… whatever you say.

Clark enters the screen and they join hands, heading for the building. Lois still more enthusiastic than Clark.


Compared to the inside, the outside of this masterpiece looked like a fine English pub. Posters of 50's stars are everywhere. Every other person in the building either looks like Elvis or James Dean. A CU of Clark upon entering is rolling his eyes. He then peers at a "MACHINE GUN KELLY" poster hanging next to the entrance. Lois pulls his arm, it's as if she's been here before.

ANOTHER ANGLE, FOLLOWING Lois and Clark through the maze of tables and chairs and festive people. They skip towards the back of the building.


TWO SHOT of Lois and Clark entering a booth made up of the body of a '59 Chevy, wings a' plenty. BUDDY HOLLY (their waiter for the evening) quickly shows up. Clark stares around during all of this, looking quite uncomfortable. Buddy wears a name tag saying: "Hi I'm Buddy, pleasing you pleases me." Clark eyes this, and once again rolls his eyes. We hold the TWO SHOT, which has now become a THREE SHOT with Buddy in the middle behind the booth taking their order.

BUDDY Hi, I'm Buddy! What can I get'cha?

CLARK You have any Chinese food… uh, Bud?

LOIS Come on, Clark, they don't have Chinese food in a fifties diner. Read the menu!

CLARK (peers through the menu) I guess I'll have a… steak.

BUDDY How d'ya want it, burnt to a crisp, or bloody as hell?

CLARK This is ridiculous… do you know what … medium means, Buddy? That is how I want my steak.

BUDDY (gaily, ignoring Clark's rashness) Sure thing, if that's what pleases ya, pal!

CLARK I'll have a coffee with that.

BUDDY (as cheerful as ever) One cupa joe comin' right up, sir!

Buddy looks over to Lois's side of the table…

BUDDY (CONT'D) How 'bout you, Peggy Sue?

LOIS (to Clark) Isn't he great, Clark! What a character! Ha ha!

CLARK I guess…

LOIS (back to Buddy) I'll start off with a chocolate shake… make that a large.

BUDDY How d'ya want that shake, Martin and Lewis, or Amos and Andy?

LOIS Ha ha! … I dunno… I guess I want the Martin and Lewis, I wasn't such an Amos and Andy fan.

CU of Clark shaking his head and grinning ear to ear at Lois's remark. Resume THREE SHOT as…

BUDDY And, mind you, that's our special shake. It cost exactly five dollars.

CLARK Lois, are you out of your mind? You're gonna pay a big fat five bucks for ice cream and chocolate milk?!

LOIS Oh, Clark, please, get off it. I'm enjoying myself, and I suggest you start doing so real soon.

BUDDY Maybe you should listen to the little lady, mister.

Lois grins at the waiter as…

LOIS Yeah, listen to Buddy over here. I'll have the Durwood Kirby burger with that and I'll have it… (beat) (blushing) "bloody as hell" I guess…

BUDDY Thank yewww pretty PEGGY SUE! I'll be on my way now.

Buddy exits the scene. CU of Lois sitting in the booth. She is grinning ear to ear completely enjoying all the sights and sounds. Lois points away from the table…

LOIS (excited) Look, Clark, it's Marilyn Monroe! This place is so neat!

CLARK (OS) (interjecting) Lois, can we talk about something? Now?

LOIS (off his concern) Well… I guess if you have something you'd like to get out in the open, shoot.

We CU on Clark.

CLARK Well… (beat) it's not that easy, but I do have to get it off my chest, so to speak.

CU back to Lois.

LOIS Listen, I have to hit the ladies' room real quick. That will give you some time to muster up some courage, whatever it is that is so important.

MEDIUM SHOT of Clark still in his seat.

Lois gets out of the booth. WE FOLLOW Clark's eyes until she is some distance away. Clark looks over in the opposite direction giving the Marilyn Monroe impersonator a second of his time. He then puts hands through his hair, and breathes a heavy sigh as…



The bathroom is 'pink everything' with pearl white fixtures adorning the facilities. We enter MEDIUM SHOT on Lois, our POV being the mirror she is using. Lois is tidying up her hair at the sink. She eyes a lady in a bee hive hair-do passing behind her. Lois turns again quickly to the lady then back at us.

LOIS Wonder what I would look like with… (giggling) oh, that's just plain silly!


LONG SHOT towards Lois and Clark's booth, Clark is still the only one there. Clark looks over towards the rest rooms, WE PAN THERE then WE PAN BACK TO CLARK. He turns his head back and looks at the table, eyeing Lois's shake which has just been brought over by our friend, Buddy. Clark looks both ways, like a kid about to get into trouble, then grasps the shake. He slurps down two gulps, puts the drink back down and…

CLARK Ahhhh… delicious!

His eyes look up as he dries off the chocolate shake dripping from his lips. Lois is standing right there! He quickly places the shake back on her side of the table with a 'I am innocent, I tell you' look on his face.

LOIS (OS) What are you doing, Clark?

CLARK Uhhh… ummmm… I was just taking a taste test. You know, like they do in the Tasters Choice commercials.

CU on Lois. As usual, she doesn't buy it…

LOIS Then get your own shake! Don't do your taste test on mine.

CLARK (OS) But, Lois, it's five dollars!

LOIS Stop moaning about the shake… (beat) So, you had something important to say? Lets have at it, Clark.

TWO SHOT at the booth as Clark presents himself.

CLARK Well, Lois, I was just thinking about how you and I… well, we don't get to…

As Clark begins to spill his guts, Lois's eyes light up…

LOIS (interrupting and overjoyed) Oh my god, it's Elvis and he's singing "Hound Dog". No wonder Perry loves this place!

With that, Lois runs over to take a closer look. THE CAMERA FOLLOWS HER, then PANS BACK TO CLARK who is now alone. He doesn't know what to say, his face spells frustration. He steals another sip of the shake as Lois returns to the table. Back to a FULL SHOT of the booth. She doesn't even notice Clark's 'taste test' this time.

LOIS Can't you feel the energy in this place, Clark? It's magnificent!

CLARK (surprised) Aren't you gonna yell at me for sipping on your shake again, Lois, or has Elvis still got your attention?

LOIS You're not gonna down me tonight, Clark. I'm loving this place and you would be smart to join in and relax a bit. This place is… magic!

CLARK You wanna see magic, Lois? Is that what you want? Well..

Clark starts to unbutton his shirt…

LOIS Not in public, Clark, sheesh!

He continues, much to Lois's dismay. The shirt is still closed.

CLARK Here is your *magic*!

Clark pulls open his shirt, revealing the 'magic' S. Lois doesn't even squirm at this. Her eyes innocently glance his chest as…

LOIS Clark, you came dressed up, too! That's so unlike you! I don't think Superman was much of a fifties figure though…

Clark shows a 'I can not win' face off of Lois's unconvinced response.

CLARK What's it gonna take? This is ME! The real ME, can't you see?

Clark floats out of his seat, reaches over and grabs Lois by the arms, pulling her right out of the booth and into the air. Clark proceeds to fly Lois over the brightly waxed wooden dance floor and lands at the other side. The lively crowd claps and cheers, as if this were just part of the show. A voice is heard from nearby…

WOMAN (OS) Hey look, Superman is here and he even brought his special effects with him!

YOUNG MAN (OS) It's an obvious impostor. Who's next, a guy in a Hawaiian shirt claiming to be Daniel Scardino? Ha ha ha…

Lois and Clark exchange a 'who are these clowns' look as they take a shared glance at the peanut gallery where the comments came from.


A SHOT OF THE TABLE which reveals the dastardly crew. The WOMAN is The Zoomway, a science fiction fanatic and free-lance writer with a Texas accent. The YOUNG MAN is The Grrrman, a computer expert and starving script writer decked out in avant-garde gear.

THE GRRRMAN So Zoomie, tells us more about this "Dirty Bubbles" story you're up to. It's making me go squeak!

THE ZOOMWAY Awww Grrr, you're such the prince!

Quickly, we see a short girl appear behind The Grrrman. Our view of her was previously obstructed. She is Franny, a history major decked out in similar garb as The Grrrman sans Sherlock Holmes hat.

FRANNY Zoomway, do you have anymore spoilers? Huh, huh! Do ya? Do ya?

THE GRRRMAN Yeah, Zooms, we love spoilers, grrr! No joke, good going, Toonces!

THE ZOOMWAY So, what would you two like to know?

Franny and The Grrrman begin bouncing in their seats as…

FRANNY THE GRRRMAN Everything! Everything!

THE ZOOMWAY (enthusiastically) You two are the bounciest FOLC's I know!


A TWO SHOT of Lois and Clark shaking their heads at these crazed fools. Lois remembers what is happening, and takes a step back from Clark.

LOIS I can't believe… Clark, is it really? I… this is all too much at once.

CLARK (concerned) I've been trying so hard to get this out and the timing has never been right. I never felt that I could be comfortable telling you this, and I guess I never would be. I just had to… do it. You have to understand, Lois, you just have to.

LOIS (angry) You mean all this time… when I showed my other side to Superman, it was you? Why you filthy liar! Clark, I can never forgive you! Don't you dare talk to me ever again! Tomorrow I'm asking Perry for a new partner and I'm not changing my mind, Clark… or whoever you really are, I certainly don't know anymore!

CLARK (pleading) But, Lois… please, you have to listen to why I did this…

LOIS (interrupting) No way, Clark, you've done it this time. You surely ruined my evening and I was having such a good time of it. I can't stand being in front of such a liar!

CLARK (desperate) It wasn't a lie, Lois, honestly.

LOIS Liar! Liar! Liar! I think I've heard enough, Clark.

Lois storms off, leaving a trembling Clark behind.

THE ZOOMWAY (OS) Sound like trouble in paradise… Bwa ha ha ha!

CLARK (turning to the voice) Stay out of it lady.

Clark runs out of the diner, following Lois's speedy exit. He musters up some of his super-speed to catch up to her. Lois, even though she notices Clark behind her, storms out the door.



MEDIUM SHOT of the diner entrance way. Lois is still making her mad dash towards her jeep with Clark on her heels as she exits the screen. A LONG SHOT of the parking lot away from the diner. She shows no intention of stopping. We CLOSE IN on Lois and Clark as he reaches out for her…

CLARK (stopping her) Lois, just give me an ear for one minute. That is all I ask, just one single minute of your time. Then, if you still feel like this, you can be on your way.

LOIS (turning to him) What makes you think I want any more surprises tonight? Besides, what else could you possibly say to top that one off?!

Clark pauses, runs his hands through his hair, and then stares painfully into Lois's eyes.

CLARK I just want to say, that no matter who I have to be, or what I have to do, deep down inside I'm still Clark Kent and deep down inside I still love Lois Lane…

Clark reaches for Lois's hand, she reluctantly succumbs to his grasp. He softly runs his hand over Lois's warm fingers, bringing a twinkle to both their eyes. An all engrossing deep eye exchange occurs as Clark finishes his thoughts.

CLARK (CONT'D) And, if I had my choice, I'd give up this alter-ego if it was a choice between that and the love of my life. I mean that, Lois. I want nothing to stand between us.

Lois's expression changes, a smile forms, and she becomes as jubilant as she was when eyeing the Elvis impersonator.

LOIS Oh, Clark, and you did this all for me? I can't believe you were able to keep it to yourself for so long… (beat) Would you really give up being Superman just so that you could have me?

CLARK Yes, Lois… I wouldn't even have to think twice about it.

Lois steps up closer to Clark. Her face brilliant with anticipation, showing her big whites, then engaging in a big smooch with The Man of Steel. She steps back, ending the kiss abruptly and…

LOIS So, who am I kissing right now…

CLARK (interrupting) It's just… me… Lois, just me.

Lois is instantly soothed by Clark's words, and throws herself back into his arms. He holds her off the ground and swings her left and right a few times as they re-engage the kiss of a lifetime. ZOOM OUT on the dynamic throbbing duo. As the perception of view enlarges we see fireworks in the background illuminate the sky. Lois and Clark don't even budge their act as the hoards of crazed fifties fanatics storm out of the diner to watch the show.

CU - ENTRANCE OF DINER The terrible threesome, The Zoomway, Franny, and The Grrrman exit the 50's grease palace. All three are giggling uncontrollably.

FRANNY That was the best, Zoomie.

THE ZOOMWAY Gak, that was one of my bad puns, too. Wait until I get my hands on a Dr. Pepper when we get back.

The Grrrman's eyes catch Lois and Clark lost in themselves.

THE GRRRMAN Comma! Hey, look it's the love birds again. Looks like the impostor pulled the wool over that poor girl's eyes.

FRANNY Ohhhh, they're really getting into it, too! Let's stick around and watch for a little while!

THE GRRRMAN You think they look good together, Zooms?


THE GRRRMAN Good, cause I think I'm gonna run home now and write a script about them.

FRANNY Wow, maybe it'll be a masterpiece! You can send it to some hot shot producer in California like Paul Jackson. He'll use it and you'll be famous around the world!

THE ZOOMWAY (re: Jackson) He's a fool… (grinning at the faux pas) oops, I didn't say that.


The trio begins laughing hysterically again and heads off the screen. A PAN SHOT BACK TO Lois and Clark reveals that neither has come up for air at this point. Around the warm embrace we see the finale of the fireworks show.