100 Ways to Kill Superman

By Various (see note)

Rated: PG

Submitted: April 2012

Summary: A challenge established last year that had an overwhelming response. People on the boards came up with a list of 100 ways to kill Superman.

A/N: A challenge established last year on the Fanfic MessageBoards (http://www.lcficmbs.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php) that had an overwhelming response. People on the boards came up with a list of 100 ways to kill Superman. Thanks go to Deadly Chakram, VirginiaR, Lynn S.M. , Alisha Knight, Marcus Rowland, Darth Michael, MrsMosley, Christina, Lara Joelle Kent, ccmalo, Morgana, Shallowford, Ultra Woman, Female Hawk, and Framework4, for making this little challenge of mine possible.

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1. Superman is trying to put a stop to some Metropolis gang wars, only to discover that an unknown enemy has distributed Kryptonite bullets to gang members.

2. Clark goes to his regular mani-pedi appointment, unaware that Kryptonite has been infused into one of the many nail care products used. Afterwards, he bites his nails — ends up dead.

3. Clark adopts a puppy which has regularly been fed dog food and treats that are laced with Kryptonite. The dog licks his face. Clark dies.

4. Superman is an alcohol connoisseur (since it has no effect on him, he can drink just for the taste and test new products). Then, one day, someone gives him some glowing green booze… found dead in a gutter the next day.

5. Superman goes to Career Day at a school. Unfortunately, it is also show-and-tell day, and a kid brings a piece of Kryptonite that he found.

6. Lois marries Lex Luthor because she LOVES him — Clark dies of a broken heart.

7. SuperClone and Clark duke it out. SuperClone snaps Clark’s neck.

8. Deathstroke returns. He and Clark battle it out in the rain. Deathstroke zaps Clark. The water increases the conductivity of Deathstroke’s powers and Clark dies of a literal broken heart. Of course, this probably kills Deathstroke, too.

9. Clark flies up 30,000 feet to save a disabled plane. Unfortunately, the plane is carrying a cargo of unshielded Kryptonite. Clark weakens as he reaches the plane. His powers go “offline” and he falls to Earth. The impact causes a small crater and kills him.

10. Clark is exposed to Kryptonite and weakens. Unfortunately, he’s standing on train tracks at the time about to stop an out of control locomotive. Clark becomes a greasy spot on the front of the train.

11. Martha and Jonathan walk in on Lois and Clark having sex. Clark dies of embarrassment.

12. An alternate version of Lois and Clarks: Wells rescues Clark, who wanders in on the almost-kiss between Lois and Alt-Clark. In a fit of jealousy, Clark attacks Alt-Clark, who kills him in self-defense.

13. Clark is very long-lived. In the 22nd century, he volunteers to be the first sentient ‘guinea pig’ for teleportation. As frequently happens with transporters, the experiment goes horribly wrong; his atoms are scattered across the universe.

14. Someone on the Kerth awards committee decides that the awards would be more attractive if they glowed green…

15. Wells takes Lois and Clark into an Alt-dimension where there are no such things as aliens. Clark simply ceases to exist.

16. Tempus travels to Krypton just before it explodes and slips a piece of Kryptonite into the space ship.

17. Lois decides to kink up their married life by making Clark vulnerable and susceptible to such things as silk scarves and handcuffs. Turns out, she got the dose wrong.

18. Clark uses a red K ray to give Lois his powers, but over-does it; she hugs him in thanks and crushes him.

19. Clark destroys Nightfall and as reward for his troubles is sucked into a black hole.

20. An earthquake hits Metropolis while Clark is shaving; the mirror falls forward and his heat vision is reflected down his body, cutting him in two.

21. Tempus actually succeeds in killing Clark by the time window collapsing just like Wells had predicted. How this affects Lois and Alt-Clark are things the author will have to deal with.

22. Clark dies from Lois’s cooking (your choice how that would occur, obviously kryptonite is probably involved.) Possibly the rumaki…

23. Tempus actually kills Baby Clark from Tempus Fugitive, basically erasing himself and Clark from ever existing, leaving Lois to fend for herself with no memories of her one true love.

24. Clark, while not himself (under red-k influence perhaps), has an affair with another woman. Needless to say, Lois kills him…

25. During his quick spin, Clark actually puts his underwear over his super Suit. He then dies of embarrassment.

26. The curse (from ‘Soul Mates’) affects Clark instead of Lois, and they get it on before reversing it.

27. Clark gets killed during the war on New Krypton.

28. Luthor didn’t leave the key with the kryptonite cage.

29. Magic…

30. People stop believing in Superman.

31. Mindy Church’s virus is successful.

32. Superman gets knocked out by the impact with Nightfall and trapped in a cave inside the asteroid.

33. When Clark wakes up with amnesia in ASU, it’s Cat who picks him up from Henderson instead of Lois. Cat takes him back to her place and by the time they realize that Nightfall wasn’t destroyed, Earth is. So, everyone dies except Superman. He slowly dies from lack of sunlight due to nuclear winter.

34. Lois doesn’t return from the alt-dimension right away. Clark discovers where she is, finds the time-machine that he built and abandoned in 1966 Smallville — when they went back and rescued baby himself from Tempus — and retrofits it for dimensional travel. By the time he finds Lois, she has hooked up with Alt-Clark, thinking that she was stuck in alt-dimension for good. Clark takes the time-machine, goes back to 1993, and saves alt-Lois from “death” so that she returns to Daily Planet instead of disappearing, thus knocking out the reason for Tempus to bring canon Lois over to alt-dimension in the first place. Clark returns to his dimension, continues with his wedding to Lois, and sleeps with the clone out of jealousy (well, Lois cheated on me with alt-Clark). He realizes his mistake and confesses all to Lois before heading off to NK with Zara. When he battles Lord Nor, Lois is annoyed at him for cheating on her (and who technically didn’t cheat on him because she never went to the alt-world), doesn’t warn Superman about the K-gas, and he dies along with Lord Nor and his men.

35. Lois saves the bullet she had dug out of his shoulder in “ME”, instead of getting rid of it on her cruise. She keeps it in a lead box with a gun. When Clark tells her that he’s going off with Zara to NK, Lois shoots him out of jealousy.

36. Clark is caught in the virtual world and Jaxon disconnects the goggles and wires.

37. Wanda shoots him with the disruptor.

38. Clark shrinks until he disappears after using the shrinking shampoo.

39. Veda Doodsen drains all Superman’s life-force.

40. In the collision with Nightfall the oxygen tank is damaged and Superman doesn’t make it back to Earth in time.

41. Doomsday.

42. Superman is hit with a red-K laser again and this time it’s permanent (who you give the powers to is up to you.)

43. Lois is furious with Superman in TOGOM and finds some Kryptonite to destroy him.

44. Superman accidentally kills while under the influence of magic in “Illusions of Grandeur” and decides to either retire Superman permanently or find some kryptonite to take himself out for the good of humanity.

45. Lois realizes during the scene where she speaks to him in “Barbarians at the Planet” that Superman is Clark Kent. Superman promptly dies of ecstasy.

46. Lois figures out how Superman “gave” his powers to Resplendent Man and publishes it out of spite. Superman goes into hiding/retirement.

47. Superman can’t regroup his molecules after he passes through the force field of Tim and Amber Lake’s cage.

48. When Clark’s powers are transferred to Lois he forgets that he isn’t “super” anymore and he dies trying to stop a car, a train, a bullet (whatever you prefer).

49. Clark is disintegrated by the Kryptonians and his molecules “scattered over countless distant galaxies”.

50. Clark dies dueling Baron Tempus in the past.

51. Lois is in danger (again). He arrives a moment too late. Lois gets killed and he dies of a broken heart.

52. Clark walks in on Martha and Jonathan having sex. Dies of embarrassment.

53. Being faced with conflicting data: Klein says L&C can’t have children, Wells says they can and did, L&C tell Klein of the conflict.

They explain why they believe Wells. Klein decides to remove Clark’s powers and do some tests with him powered down. By this time Klein knows that the power transfer is temporary. The human receiving the charge will use it up in time. Clark, with exposure to sunlight, will recharge in time. While powered down, L&C have unprotected sex many times while Klein studies them. Lois becomes pregnant. Clark contracts an STD from Lois. This STD somehow interferes with Clark’s ability to process sunlight and power up. Over the next several years, Clark fights a long battle against his illness but gets sicker and sicker. He loses weight. Their child is born and grows up very healthy. By age ten, it’s clear their child has the beginnings of superpowers. L&C win many awards and do much good in the world. The New Kryptonians return seeking help from Clark. They have too few people to fill the niches needed by a high tech culture. They are rapidly running through their stock piles and many irreplaceable machines are failing. They need help, they need a leader. Clark begins a massive but secret transfer of refugees from Third World areas to New Krypton. He also recruits folks with the missing but needed skills of farming and the like. He and Lois travel to new Krypton and spend years building the needed infrastructure. Clark forces the New Kryptonian culture to adopt more democratic ways. The New Kryptonians are unable to cure Clark. At merely 53 years old, he dies.

54. Lois trades out her chocolate obsession with a new favorite candy- Tootsie Roll Pops. Clark snags a green one from her stash, not realizing they have been tampered with by an unknown knave. He never reaches the chocolatey center.

55. The way Trask set up to kill Clark in Corrina’s story “Trusting Me, Trusting You” works when he escapes. (No spoilers)

56. Clark gets exposed to Lex’s new green-stones cufflinks before getting punched by Tommy Garrison (the cyborg boxer). His neck is broken.

57. Superman is banished from Metropolis due to the heat wave and nobody wants him to help them anymore. He moves to the Sahara desert and becomes a hermit.

58. Lois is actually captured by aliens in Contact. Superman leaves Earth to search for her and never returns.

59. Spencer Spencer’s doctor is successful in weakening Clark’s immunity and removes his head, but his Kryptonian body cannot survive without a brain and therefore dies when attached to Spencer Spencer’s head.

60. Spencer Spencer’s doctor is successful in weakening Clark’s immunity and removes his head. But Spencer Spencer forgets that Kryptonite kills Superman so the piece of Kryptonite he used against Clark kills his new body.

61. Clark returns from NK with a Super Mullet and Lois kills him when he refuses to cut it off.

62. Lois accidently forgets that she is super strong during “Ultra Woman.” She decides to take charge in the bedroom that night and crushes poor Clark to death in her…ardor.

63. Baby Clark’s spaceship is never found by the Kents. No one finds him. He dies of Kryptonite exposure.

64. Jor-El was oblivious to Krypton’s imminent demise. Clark is never sent to Earth and winds up exploding when the planet does.

65. (Response to Fair-weathered powers challenge) It’s a dark and rainy day outside. Clark loses his ability to store sunlight/recharge his batteries (unbeknownst to him). He’s just pulled an all-nighter at the Daily Planet offices (indoors), when suddenly he hears a cry for help. He rushes to the nearest window, throws it open, and hurls himself out of it…

66. The Prankster freeze frames Clark and pushes him over the side of a ship. Clark sinks and since he is catatonic, he can’t hold his breath. Clark becomes a permanent part of the sea floor.

67. Lex has once again arisen from the dead, just in time to attend Lois & Clark’s wedding in Metropolis. He has seen to it that the Wedding Destroyer doesn’t interfere this time. When the bride and groom emerge from the building, he throws green, glowing “confetti” at them. There is too much K-dust, ground too fine, for L&C to remove it all in time. Perhaps he has coated it with something to make it stick to Clark’s skin and clothes.

68. In a past life, Tempus Tex succeeds in hanging The Lone Rider.

69. During “Stop the Presses” those Luthor wannabees not only figure out how to deplete his energy but use the quantum disruptor. Oddly this only makes Clark human/non-powered permanently.

70. Myxzptlk comes up with a form of Red Kryptonite and gives it to ??? (originally Luthor, not sure who it would go to, maybe just the bad guy of the week?) which takes away Superman’s powers and unlike the comics there isn’t a way to give him a steel suit to protect himself.

71. Myxzptlk finds a way to take away his perception of his powers (i.e. the knowledge that his powers actually exist in the first place.) Clark becomes more aggressive in his investigative techniques as a result and outs himself to the bad guys as Superman without realizing it. The next time he attempts to break in, the bad guys have kryptonite.

72. Dr. Klein tries an experiment on Clark. Thinking that Clark’s reaction to Kryptonite is similar to a human bee allergy, he starts injecting Clark regularly with minute quantities of the “allergen” to desensitize him to it. Unfortunately, in a moment of absent-mindedness, he forgot to dilute one solution before injecting it.

73. While at the Phantom Zone, Superman is killed by a Kryptonian criminal.

74. During a phase of abnormal solar activity (or a solar storm) Superman absorbs too much energy and his body can’t process it all. As a result his cells collapse until it kills him.

75. Jor-El was nuts and Krypton never exploded; the rocket drifts off into space, and baby Kal-El never reaches Earth.

76. Nightfall arrives during ‘Green Green Glow,’ while Clark has no powers. He ends up in the impact zone.

77. Learning that Krypton is doomed much earlier than in the usual timeline, Jor-El has a vasectomy to ensure that he and Lara won’t bring a child into a doomed world.

78. Clark swallows the bomb in the first episode. Unfortunately his powers only protect the outside of his body…

79. Nightfall turns out to be Lex Luthor’s continent, fallen through a time warp from the Superman Returns universe and full of Kryptonite. Superman dies trying to smash it.

80. Clark is exposed to red Kryptonite on a regular basis (injected into his food, around the office at work, on rescues, etc). And, a la season 2, he starts to go a little crazy. He stops caring, screws up all of his relationships, and even begins to see things. Superman goes to Star Labs for treatment, where Dr. Klein decides to run tests on him using small dosages of red-K. Unfortunately, the experiment goes horribly wrong, and Superman loses it. They use green Kryptonite to get control back over him and neutralize his powers, but the sudden loss of his powers coupled with the effect the red-K on his mental state causes him to lose his mind. Superman is forced into early retirement and simply disappears off the map. The high-ups in the government keep him in a well-guarded psychiatric facility with padded walls and low-dosage green Kryptonite to keep him sedated. He never even sees the sun.

81. Superman rushes off to stop Nightfall. Unfortunately the collision not only gives him amnesia, it also sends him spinning off into space. He winds up on a desolate planet all alone and never remembers who he is.

82. Same as above, only he forgets that he can only hold his breath in space for so long and ultimately suffocates.

83. Clark loses the case and Calvin wins in Whine, Whine, Whine, opening the floodgates for more lawsuits. Clark is forced to retire the Superman persona.

84. Clark gets a hold of this list and dies of shock at the realization of just how vulnerable he really is.

85. Clark goes to New Krypton with Zara. He contracts some Kryptonian disease and dies because he hasn’t developed antibodies against Kryptonian diseases.

86. Clark goes to NK. One night, while he is asleep and vulnerable, Zara (really in cahoots with Nor) stabs him through the heart.

87. The Kryptonians don’t allow Clark to return to Earth. He tries to escape in a spaceship but it is slow and takes centuries to cross space. By the time the spaceship reaches Earth, Clark is already dead.

88. Clark reads some of the fanfic on the Nfic boards and dies of embarrassment. Especially after Lois starts reading it aloud at bedtime and critiquing his techniques and comparing it to his actual moves.

89. After losing his powers in “Ultra Woman,” Clark fails to escape the jury-rigged electric chair that he was strapped to.

90. The combined momentum of the physicists spinning in their graves because of all the laws of physics Clark breaks slows the Earth’s rotation so much that it become uninhabitable. Clark can’t fly through space unaided long enough to reach another habitable world…

91. Clark does something to make Batman decide that he is a danger to humanity. Batman gets rid of him. How? Well… he’s Batman…

92. After Woody Samms steals Clark’s/Superman’s body in IGYUMS, the body starts to become vulnerable due to being inhabited by the wrong soul and dies when Woody Superman gets blown up in the warehouse fire. Clark — now permanently stuck in Woody Samm’s body — is killed by Little Tony’s men.

93. Chuck Norris is so insistent on fighting Superman. He becomes incredibly annoying about it, going to all lengths to make it known to the world that he wants to fight the hero. Between his pestering and the always-irritating, never-ending Chuck Norris jokes, Superman breaks down and gives him what he wants… and as a result, Superman fights and accidently kills Chuck Norris. He feels so bad, he hangs up his red cape forever.

94. Jor-El didn’t do a good job of shielding baby Kal’s ship. It burns up as it enters the Earth’s atmosphere, killing Kal before he ever lands.

95. Dr. Klein has isolated and synthesized a compound in Superman’s blood that releases tremendous amounts of stored energy from his cells. While explaining this discovery he accidentally knocks a beaker of it onto Clark. Superman dies. Star Labs melts.

96. Constance — the illusionist — gets Superman under hypnosis and commands him to kill himself.

97. Clark gets vulnerable after an encounter with Kryptonite and suffers an accident. He loses too much blood and needs an emergency transfusion. As the doctors don’t know his blood type, they use O blood (universal). When his powers return he has an acute reaction and dies.

98. After years of exposure to Kryptonite Superman develops cancer from accumulated K-radiation.

99. Jimmy gives Clark a pan of marijuana brownies when Lois has rejected him yet again. He takes them back to the farm and hides in his treehouse eating the brownies. For some reason they seem to affect him. He leaves his treehouse and goes to Shuster’s Field to collect the shining little pebbles he sees just below the surface. His body is found a week later with a huge pile of glowing green rocks piled next to his lifeless self.

100. Tempus goes back in time and prevents Siegel and Shuster from ever meeting, thereby ensuring that there never is, nor ever will be, a Superman.

THE END