By LaraMoon <laramoon@mac.com>
Rated: PG-13
Submitted: December 2007
Summary: Lois has a close encounter of the chiroptera kind on Halloween night.
Author's Notes:
This fits into my "Clark Kent is Batman... NOT!" series, meaning that even as the story begins, Lois already knows that Clark is Superman.
You'll probably notice that the opening dialog is similar to a conversation between Chloe and Clark in the episode of Smallville entitled "Thirst". I mean no disrespect or copyright infringement by this. In fact, I have nothing but respect and admiration for the people who wrote this.
Oh... and yes, I've completely messed with the timeline here. Technically, this is set sometime after Witness -- which is in winter -- but I needed this to be in October, for Halloween. *shrugs* This series is set in an alt-universe anyway, so, if you could just pretend....
***
"It's a *what*?" Lois asked, an expression of disbelief on her face.
"A costume party," Clark answered, rather sheepishly. This wasn't exactly the reaction he had expected to get from Lois. What else did she think a Halloween party was going to be, he wondered.
"You're kidding," she said dryly. How dare he assume she'd just tag along anywhere, like an obedient little puppy? Who did he think she was?
"It's the perfect cover for us to get in there and poke around," Clark argued, hoping this might help convince his partner.
"I hate costumes," she spat.
"Hate?" He looked at her, amused. "You don't hate costumes. You wear them all the time for undercover work. If I had to guess--"
"Those are *disguises*, not Halloween costumes! Don't you know the difference, by now?" Lois threw her hands in the air in frustration. "Undercover work is a serious thing! Costume parties are- they're- you know, just *an excuse* for people to make complete fools of themselves, under the pretense that they're playing the part." She snorted. "As if Frankenstein would really do the Monster Mash with Sabrina the Teenage Witch!"
"I stand corrected," Clark said in the gentlest tone he could, not wanting to see Lois go into tornado mode. "But see, this *is* undercover work. There's no way they'd let *us* in there to ask questions. However, they just might let in...oh, I don't know, Sonny and Cher? Elvis and Priscilla? Tarzan and Jane."
"Wait- who? No, no, no. There'll be no Elvis, and I am not dressing up as some jungle girl!" Lois protested. "How about Dorothy and the cowardly lion? Or- or- Princess Leia and, uh, uh... Jabba the Hutt!"
"Princess Leia?" he echoed, trying not to laugh. She obviously had no idea what sort of costume that would put her in. "Hey, I'll go as C-3PO, if you're willing to wear her outfit." He wiggled her eyebrows at her.
Sensing there was a joke in there somewhere that she wasn't getting, Lois pointed a finger at him and narrowed her eyes threateningly. "Hang on, I know! Esmeralda and Quasimodo."
"Right... How about Cinderella and Prince Charming?" he suggested, shrugging.
"Beauty and the Beast." She smiled at him with contempt.
Clark repressed the urge to ask which of them she thought of as the beast. Instead he just smiled and promised to wear anything she thought would work, as long as she agreed to go.
***
"No way. No how!" Lois protested vehemently. Sure she had agreed to wear a costume, but there was no way Clark could ever convince her to wear that one! "I am *not* putting this on." She glared at him defiantly.
"Why not?" Clark asked innocently. "I thought you looked wonderful in it, a few weeks ago."
"Yeah, you would think that, wouldn't you," she mumbled. He grinned at her, only earning himself an icy stare. "There's no way I'm wearing that in public."
"You already have," he countered. "Once."
"I had a coat over it on my way here and, thank heavens, the only person alive who's ever seen me in it is you."
"Which is how I know you looked wonderful in it."
"Well, maybe I did. But I'm not letting another living being see me dressed as a belly dancer, for as long as I live," Lois told him. "And that's a promise!"
"You'd be the most amazing looking woman at the party, you know," he offered, with a smile. "I'm sure event Cat couldn't top that."
"If you don't stop trying to push that costume on me, I swear I'm going to go get it out of my closet right now and burn it!" Lois started rummaging through her purse and pulled out a matchbook, offering it as proof that she'd make good on her threat if he didn't shut up about it right away.
"Okay, okay," he abdicated. "But since you've shot down every single one of my suggestions, you'll have to come up with an idea of your own."
"What? And you think I can't?"
"You've only got one day left to find one, you know. Worst case, you could always put on the chicken suit you wore at the Metro Club-" Seeing the indignant look she was giving him, Clark ducked his head quickly. "I'm kidding! I'm kidding!"
"You know, you sure are lucky to be invulnerable, mister," she told him, lowering her voice so that no one around could hear her. "Cause I'd really love to hurt you right about now."
He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "And I love you, too," he whispered in a teasing tone. "So, you ready to go? We could grab some take-out and a movie on the way to my place, if you like?"
"Sounds good. But I get to pick the movie, this time," she warned him. "No more Star Wars. Or Tarzan!"
***
Clark had known the second he'd shown up at Lois's apartment that something was amiss. She had refused to let him see what costume she was wearing, insisting that it was a surprise and that he'd get to see it when they got to the party. For a second, he had considered looking through her raincoat to find out what she was hiding underneath, but he'd decided against it, knowing full well that Lois would bite his head off if she ever found out he had used his X-Ray vision on her.
It had definitely come as a surprise when she'd taken the coat off to reveal the Arabian Nights costume -- complete with all seven blue veils -- the same one she had sworn she'd never wear in public again in her lifetime. However, a part of him had been quite pleased to see her wearing it.
"What? No teasing?" she asked her suddenly petrified partner. She batted her eyelashes at him, acting as innocently as she could.
"Um? No- no. You look... beautiful." He swallowed hard, cursing his own choice of costume. Sure, Robin Hood was a good idea, but green tights would do precious little to hide just exactly how beautiful he thought Lois was.
Clark desperately tried to extend his super hearing as far as it would go, hoping for someone to be in need of his alter ego's assistance. At this point, he thought, he'd even be happy to rescue a stray cat from a tree. Any diversion would do, to save the Man of Steel from his current predicament.
Eventually, he did hear a call for help, but not before anyone looking closely enough had been made aware of the fact that Robin Hood had *very strong* feelings for Scheherazade. Cocking his head to the side, he picked up as much information as he could before quickly excusing himself and flying off to the site of the emergency.
***
It had been almost an hour since Clark had made the transformation from Prince of Thieves to superhero and Lois was starting to wonder how much longer he'd be gone. He hadn't told her where he was going, only that he was needed somewhere and that he'd be back just as soon as he possibly could.
She was about to leave the party, having poked around as much as she thought it was possible for her to do without compromising her true identity, when an usher approached her.
"I'm sorry, miss," he said, somewhat embarrassed as he looked her up and down very quickly, "you're supposed to be an Arabian queen, aren't you?"
"Yes- yes, I guess you could say that."
"Then I have a message for you," the young man told her, handing her a piece of paper that was folded in half. He disappeared just as quickly as he had come.
Lois opened the note to read it. There were only five words and no signature, but she didn't exactly have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out who it was from. No one other than Clark would want to meet her in an alley. And the reason was simple enough to figure out: she was getting a ride home, Superman Express style.
Quickly getting her coat, Lois left the party and headed straight for the back alley. But there was no one there when she arrived. She walked around and looked everywhere, but didn't catch even a glimpse of a red cape or blue tights.
"Superman?" she called out, in a normal speaking voice. There was no point screaming -- if he was anywhere near, he'd hear her well enough.
Almost immediately, Lois heard a thud and a familiar rustling of fabric behind her.
"Sorry to keep you waiting," came a low, gravely whisper to her ear.
Warm breath tickled against her cheek and a strong arm wrapped itself around her waist.
"You're worth waiting for," she whispered back, eyes closed as she leaned back against the broad expanse of his chest.
His lips trailed slowly against the skin of her neck, making her shiver with anticipation. Until suddenly, unexpectedly... he bit her!
"Owww!" she yelped, wriggling free of the arm that had been holding her tightly. "What'd you do that for?"
She spun around quickly, reflexively slapping a hand to her neck. But the man Lois had been certain was Clark turned out to be Batman instead. A *vampire* Batman. He smiled -- a predatory smile -- exposing long, pointy canines that were stained with her blood. And everything went black.
***
When she opened her eyes again, Lois found that she was at Clark's. She was cuddled up against him on the sofa; the light was turned off, but the television was on. Judging from Clark's even breathing, he had fallen asleep too. Lois squinted her eyes at the TV and sighed with relief.
A vampire movie. Of course. It had simply been a bad dream. She'd rented what had turned out to be a very cheesy comedy, which had put her to sleep almost instantly. The clerk at the video store had highly recommended it, saying it was an instant classic. Lois rolled her eyes. Instant classic for sure... Five years from now no one was even going to remember this had ever been made, she thought to herself. This kid obviously wouldn't know a good movie if it hit him in the face.
She moved away slightly and reached for the remote control.
"Star Wars would have been a better choice than this," Clark said, stretching as he woke up.
"The only thing you like about Return of the Jedi is that costume Leia wears," Lois replied, hitting the rewind button on the remote.
"Wrong, you are. Great movie, it is," he teased.
"Sure!" She laughed. "Anything would have been better than this one, anyway. Stupid thing gave me nightmares."
"Really? My dream was rather nice..."
"Well, I dreamt we were at the Halloween party and..." She shook her head, trying to remember the details clearly. "Then Superman had to fly off somewhere and, um, you left me a note asking me to meet you in the alley behind the hotel. Except when I got there, it wasn't you. It was Batman. And he was a vampire, too."
Clark chuckled. "Batman? A vampire?"
"Oh, don't laugh at me, it's not such a stretch. There is such a thing as a vampire bat." She leaned back on the couch and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"Well, yeah," he admitted. He brushed a quick kiss on her cheek before continuing, "but as far as I know, there are no vampire bats native to the US. In fact, if I had to guess, I'd say he's probably a Pallid bat."
"He's not really a bat, silly! He's just a *man*. But it's good to know there aren't any vampires around here, anyway."
"There aren't any vampire *bats* here, Lois. I didn't say anything about actual vampires."
His lips trailed slowly against the skin of her neck, sending a strange chill through her body. And then, suddenly, unexpectedly... he bit her!
Lois jumped off the couch and screamed in horror. She ran towards the door, but stumbled on the last of the steps and hit her head as she fell to the floor. Everything went black. Again...
***
When she opened her eyes, Lois was lying face down on the floor. She quickly got up and looked towards what she was sure would be the front door of Clark's apartment, only to find that she was actually facing one of the walls in her bedroom.
Disoriented, she looked around the room, unsure how she had ended up here. She looked at the alarm clock on the side of the bed. It was just a little past midnight. But of what day? Lois really wasn't sure anymore.
Suddenly, there was a soft thud and the familiar rustling of fabric coming from the living room. Lois held her breath. She wanted to believe it was Superman -- the real one -- but she was afraid that she'd find someone else again. Someone scary she didn't want to find in her apartment. Someone who might hurt her.
"Lois?" he called. "Lois, are you okay?"
Well, at least it wasn't some giant vampire bat, Lois thought. Slowly, she let out the breath she'd been holding. Hopefully, this time it wasn't a vampire Superman, either.
"I'm fine," she answered, cautiously walking into the living room.
"I heard you scream," he explained. "Are you sure everything is all right?"
Superman took a step forward, but Lois backed away. He took another step towards her and she backed away again.
"Lois, what's wrong?" he asked her, concern now plainly obvious in his voice and in his expression. "What are you afraid of?"
"Who are you? I mean, who are you *really*?"
A blur of red and blue later, Clark Kent now stood where Superman had been a second before. Spandex suit, cape and boots replaced by a t-shirt, jeans and running shoes. "It's just me," he said softly.
"And you're not a- a- vampire?" she said, hesitantly.
"No," Clark answered slowly, completely confused. "Why would you think that? Please tell me what happened to you."
"I had a nightmare," Lois explained. "I- I think. I'm not so sure anymore. You're really not a vampire? Or a werewolf? Or... I don't know, something?"
"No, I promise," he said as gently as he could. "I'm just the guy who brings you coffee in the morning and walks you home at night."
She walked up to him hesitantly and broke down in tears the second he pulled her into a hug.
"No one's going to hurt you," he whispered, stroking her back comfortingly.
"You were a vampire in my dream," she explained between sobs, pulling back a little so she could look at him as she spoke. "I guess I screamed for real when you bit my neck in my dream. And then I tried to escape and I... fell out of bed, I think."
"I'm not a vampire. And I don't bite. Unless you ask me to," he said with a lopsided smile as he brushed a strand of hair away from her face.
She smiled through her tears and buried her face in the crook of his neck.
"Clark?" she asked after a long moment of silence.
"Yeah?"
"Can we skip that Halloween party? I don't think I could stand the sight of another vampire. Bat or otherwise."
"Not to mention you don't have a costume picked out yet," he teased.
"Yes, I do," she told him, laughing softly. "And I promise to put it on for Halloween, too. But only if you're the only one around to see it. I am *not* going out in public in that thing."
"I see." He gave her a crooked smile. "Halloween comes back on the 31st of *every* month, doesn't it?"
"Only if you play your cards right."
THE END
Bottom Dweller's Notes:
The "cheesy" vampire comedy movie that Lois didn't like was (you guessed it!) Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It came out in 1992 and the TV series... came out five years later.
Oh... anyone remembers Nightmare on Elm Street? Don't ask me which one of the series it was, but I remember one had a nightmare within a nightmare and that's where I got the inspiration for this little bit of silliness. Gotta love horror movies.