By Catherine Bruce <vidgoddess@gmail.com>
Rating: PG
Submitted April 2008
Summary: Leaving the Sci-Fi Channel on can be hazardous to your dreams.
Author's note: As with "Black Chiffon," I thought that I had already submitted this. It was originally written in March 2006. Whoops ...
Okay, so really this is the result of leaving the Sci-Fi Channel on all night. It's probably not so bad when the volume is at a decent level, but I like things loud.
Thanks to JenniJAC for looking it over for me. Again, all mistakes are mine, and I horde them greedily!
***
Clark flew into his open window, barely pausing to change from his suit and into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before crash-landing onto the couch. He was exhausted, having just spent the past twenty-seven hours diverting one disaster after another on top of a full day at work. He was thankful it was the weekend and that he and Lois hadn't made any plans to go undercover or anything.
The city was silent as well, and he figured it could last one night without his help anyway.
He supposed he should probably go sleep in his own bed, but a wave of laziness that came with utter and complete exhaustion struck him and all he could do was turn on the TV. He needed background noise, something to distract his mind from the events of the past long stretch of consciousness.
Clark was confused to find that there was some monster on the screen screaming towards the sky as it stomped on a building before he remembered that Jimmy had come over the night before to watch a show on the Sci-Fi Channel.
The young photographer's cable had been shut off, and had practically begged his friend to let him watch the season finale of some hit show. Clark had caved, and had even tried to watch the show with him before a forest fire in Colorado called him away. Leaving Jimmy on the couch with the excuse to run to the corner drugstore for paperclips, he flew off to play firefighter.
When he'd returned, Jimmy had already left. He must have kept the TV on the same station, and Clark was too tired to remember what channel the news was on.
Shrugging, he tossed the remote onto the coffee table and settled in for the night. The sounds of melodramatic screams and monster roars lulled him to sleep.
***
Clark awoke with a start to the sounds of someone banging on his door. Groaning at the injustice of the world, he lifted his heavy head and scanned the outside of his building. Honestly, if it was someone selling Girl Scout cookies he was going to ... probably buy the kid out.
But he'd send scathing thoughts towards the kid's parents for waking him at the ungodly hour of 11 a.m., that was for sure!
It wasn't a Girl Scout, or even a Jehovah's Witness. He wasn't sure if he was pleasantly surprised or decidedly irked that his partner was hammering away at his door like a woodpecker on speed. Grumbling, he rolled out of the sweet haven of cushions and headed for the door, absently picking up a pair of glasses as he went.
Clark opened the door to stare tiredly at Lois. If she noticed the heavy weights that were tied to his eyelids or the fact that the floor he was standing on was tilting precariously, she didn't show it. Instead, she clutched at his t-shirt and pushed him inside, pressing against him in a way that would normally send his imagination on a rollercoaster ride. As it was, he just felt fuzzy and warm; give him a couple seconds to wake up.
They never came, for just then she tugged on his shirt and clutched him tightly. "Clark! Do you not know what is happening just beyond your doorstep?"
Surely, he was more tired than he originally thought. As he watched her lips move, they didn't seem to quite match the words she was speaking. And, was it his imagination, or did they continue to move a few seconds after she stopped speaking?
"Um, no actually. I was asleep."
Jerkily, Lois turned toward the door, bodily forcing his to turn with her. "Beyond this threshold is a creature of great and powerful evil, Clark! He ravages the buildings of downtown with no care of man, woman, or child in his wake! He makes his way here as we speak!"
They both stared at the open doorway for a moment, cheeks pressed against each other's, before Lois let out an ear-piercing scream that would put any 1950s starlet to shame.
His ears, which had been straining past the boundaries of a normal man's for sounds of the beast, rang with her cry. If he weren't invulnerable, he was sure his ears would be bleeding.
"For the love of..." He shook his head sharply, trying to silence the bell tower going off inside his head. "Lois, what's wrong with you?"
"Clark, you must find Superman!" She shoved him for the door. "Only he is able to stop the horrors which have befallen us!"
The next thing Clark knew, he was flying above the city. Up ahead of him was indeed a creature of monstrous height, stomping on the buildings it came across with wild abandon. He paused in the air, briefly wondering how he had came to be wearing his suit when he was positive he'd taken it off the night before, and took in the monster.
It was moving slowly, almost mechanically, and he was certain that the feeble swat it took at the Lexor Hotel shouldn't have left the building in a fiery pile of rubble.
And then, to Clark's surprise, the creature reared back its head and opened its mouth. A jet of fire shot harmlessly into the sky, causing the people running in circles below to scream even louder and move in a more chaotic mess.
"What the heck?"
He flew over to the creature. It didn't seem to pay any attention to him and Clark used this to his advantage by punching the beast squarely in the nose.
Really, he expected more of a fight.
It fell to the ground dead, its unnaturally stiff tongue lolling out to rest on the ground.
And then he was standing in his doorway again, dressed as he had been before. Lois was clutching him, all but swooning into his chest. "My hero! You have saved the day once again! Kiss me!"
She pressed her lips against his dramatically, and he was reminded of the seemingly passionate but all-together chaste kisses from old black-and-white movies. If they had been married and he went into the bedroom he was sure there would be two twin beds standing a couple feet apart from each other.
Clark was starting to enjoy the kiss, chaste though it was, and was considering taking it farther (perhaps even moving his lips a little) when the front door burst open. Lois gave another earth-shattering scream as a human-shaped creature lumbered into the doorway.
It groaned long and low, and when it wailed out "Brains!" Clark was taken aback enough to where the creature was able to push him aside.
Clark watched from his place on the floor as the zombie grabbed Lois and took a bite out of her pinky. He hopped up from where he was sprawled, countless bad zombie horror flicks springing to the front of his mind.
He grabbed the zombie by the collar and threw him from the house. As he went to go back inside, he noticed there were several more members of the undead lumbering down the street, moaning their hunger for brains.
First a fifty-foot tall monster, and now zombies? What the heck was going on here? Did he somehow cross over into a bizarre alternate dimension where plotlines of bad horror flicks were commonplace? Was he going to suddenly find himself in an Antarctic prison with a giant snake chasing after him?
Before his mind could contemplate on other such possibilities, he felt legs wrap around his waist and hands clutching his head. "Lois? What are you doing?"
"Mmm!" He heard her snuffling through his hair for a moment. "Brains!"
He groaned himself as she started to gnaw at the back of his skull, her sharp teeth tickling his scalp.
Defeated, he walked back to the living room. "Lois, I don't know what to do here. I mean, if I were to follow all the movies about zombies, I guess the best thing to do for you would be to chop your head off. But honestly, I just don't think I have it in me to do that."
He turned and sat on the couch, ignoring her squeak as the air rushed from her lungs. The gnawing continued shortly after. "On the other hand, you're really no threat to me. I mean, I suppose if you were to gnaw on me for the next ten years you may make a dent, but I think your teeth would wear down before then."
Her response was to scratch at his head and move the hair aside. "Braaaaains!"
"I know, Lois. Sorry to say that my brains aren't on the menu tonight." He heaved a sigh and patted her ankles. "I'm sure there's a cure for you somewhere. You would think that with all the cloning and secret military-weapons testing that there would be a cure for something as simple as zombism."
Dejectedly, the walking corpse that had once been his partner poked at his head as she sniffled. "Brains?"
Once again, he was interrupted before he could speak as a large reptile broke down the door he had just left. It hopped about on its strong hind legs before it noticed the couple sitting on the couch. He wasn't sure if the growling purr came from what was unmistakably a raptor or his partner eyeing the cranium of their new houseguest.
"Okay, let's leave shall we?" He stood and picked up his zombie and made his way for the door. When they bumped into the raptor, it snapped at them, jaws closing around his forearm. Instantly it released the bite with a yelp, and as it nursed an aching jaw and broken teeth, Clark ran out the door.
They didn't get very far before his neighbor opened her door and stepped onto the porch. She was a rather voluptuous blonde dressed in a tiny negligee, and he was sure he'd seen her in a pin-up somewhere. While she was checking out her surroundings, Clark was sure he saw a shady character slither into the house behind her. She turned to enter, and before he could go after to warn her, he heard another ear-shattering scream.
He shook his head to dislodge the feeling of someone slicing his eardrums with a hacksaw.
He turned to Lois, for the first time taking a good look at her. Even with the peeling skin, whitened eyes, and thinning hair she was still kind of cute. "Well, what do you say? Shall we go check it out?"
The door swung open again and the blonde ran out stark naked. Well, as naked as someone can be while their girly bits were hidden behind obvious pixilation.
Lois opened her mouth when he looked back at her again. "And for only three easy payments of $39.99, you too, can have the secret to extended sexual pleasure."
"What?"
And that was when Clark rolled off the couch onto the floor.
Dazed, he looked around and noted his door was still resting on its hinges. The Sci-Fi Channel was showing an infomercial on male enhancement. And judging from the patch of sunlight he had fallen in, it was well into morning.
There was a knock at his door, and the sudden familiarity caused him to jump. A quick scan revealed his partner, and he ran to let her in. "Lois! What are you doing over here so early?" As she swept by, he checked her over for classic signs of peeling skin or distressed damsel. "And uh ... are you hungry?"
"Well, we are supposed to be going to the opening of the new art exhibit downtown. Remember?" She looked him up and down and shrugged. "Obviously not. And I already ate, thanks, so hurry up and get dressed."
He went into his bedroom to do so, vowing to never again leave the Sci-Fi channel on after a long day.
THE END