Everything But the Couches

By Jen D <jmdipalma@azalea.shc.edu>

Rated: G

Submitted: March, 2007

Summary: When Lois' apartment gets robbed, she can't believe what the criminals *didn't* take!

Thanks a bunch to Sue and Lara, my GE, and anyone who reads or comments! I really appreciate all the effort.


"Lois, this has to be one of the damnedest crime scenes I've written up since the Giggling Bandits back in '82," Henderson commented as he consulted his forms. "It would almost be funny if your stuff wasn't still missing."

Lois Lane shot a look at the insufferable police detective as they stood together in the living room of her almost-empty apartment. Five o'clock in the morning after an all-night stake out, and she was standing in her apartment full of…nothing. Well, almost nothing. Six locks on the door clearly didn't buy the security it used to… or extended protection from the Sarcastic Squad at the precinct near her apartment. Sometimes she wished Bill Henderson didn't take such a personal interest in her crime-driven lifestyle.

"Hey, I said 'almost'. Anyway, I'm surprised your partner isn't here yet."

"He is *not* my partner," Lois spat out. "But yeah, he really lives for this mother-hen type of thing. It was a lot easier to just call and explain to him what happened than have him show up in a couple of hours to check out a source and…"

"Try to knock on the door that wasn't there?" Clark Kent finished.

The reporter and the detective turned around to find an incredulous-faced man raising his hand into empty space.

"I *told* you they took the door," Lois said pointedly. Junior colleagues and their lack of attention-this was exactly the kind of result that came from hiring new staff members!

"Well, yeah, but…the door? I guess some things are just unbelievable until you see them," Clark replied. Like your non-partner masquerading as a caped hero, Clark mentally snorted. But now wasn't the time to mood over Lois' latest hero-worshipping of his alter ego or her opinion on sharing a byline.

"And did you check out the two things they *didn't* take?" Henderson asked. He pointed his pen at the middle of the room.

"Oh my gosh, are you *done* making fun of my belongings?" Lois demanded. "There could be a hundred reasons why they're still here. Right, Clark?" She glared at him demanding his lowly junior non-partner agreement.

Clark grinned and stuck his hands in his pockets. He wasn't about to get in the middle of this one.

"RIGHT, Clark? Whatever happened to partners backing each other up?"

So many topics could be addressed in that one question. Clark opted not to jab at the 'non-partner' stuff and instead settled on, "Well, Lois, you know as your *colleague*, I'd back you up on almost anything. In the three weeks I've worked with you, we've been shot at, thrown out of a plane, tied up, and nearly set on fire due to your invisible sixth sense about your stories. But those are the most *uncomfortable* couches I've ever sat on. It's no wonder criminals left them behind!"

"Hey, they were on *sale*!" Lois replied hotly.

"Yeah, the scratch-n-dent sale," Clark said with a grin. If there was an activity more rewarding than saving the world from destruction, it was pushing the buttons of Lois Lane.

"I can't believe you're making fun of me at a time like this!" Granted, this wasn't *exactly* the first time the criminal element had invaded her personal life, but she already had a police officer with a mouthful of infuriating comments standing next to her.

Clark immediately kicked himself. Despite his insatiable need to aggravate her, he should be a little more concerned about the situation. "You're right, Lois." Turning their conversation away from the abominable couches, he addressed Inspector Henderson. "Is there any chance of finding her stuff, Inspector?"

"Oh, it's just a matter of time," Henderson replied as he handed over the finalized statements and assessments for Lois to look through. "The squad ID'ed the perpetrators in no time."

"That certainly makes sense," Clark commented as he glanced over at the open space to the hallway. "You can't take down a door without *someone* noticing."

"Right, but that's not how we found them."


The detective bit back a grin. "They left a note explaining why they didn't take the couches. There were fingerprints all over it."

"Here. Go," Lois suddenly interjected as she thrusted the forms back at Inspector Henderson. There was no need to rehash what a couple of high school dropouts said about her furniture. "You can find me at the Planet if you need anything else." Lois spun around to her junior colleague. "Let's go, Clark!"

"Lois, it's five o'clock in the morning!" Clark exclaimed. "I'm not even in work clothes."

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to play in the big leagues, partner."

"Since when are we partners?" Clark finally jabbed as he followed her out the door that was no longer there.

Their inflammatory voices trailed off into the hallway, and Inspector Henderson shook his head in amusement. He surveyed the secured crime scene one last time before declaring it open. Darting out into the hallway, he made sure the volatile non-partnership was out of sight and then strolled back in.

He carefully sat down on one of the couches and immediately jumped to his feet.

Scratch-n-dent, indeed!