Monkey Business

By CrazyWritersRUs

Rated: PG

Submitted: May 2005

Summary: Clark meets up with a most peculiar monkey.

By CrazyWritersRUs <;;;>

So there we were one relatively quiet night on IRC and, out of the blue, someone who shall be nameless pasted the beginning of a story into the channel and yelled NEXT! And so we were off. One insane round robin later, we decided to post it on the fanfic message boards [] to see what would happen. And when we actually got feedback — albeit feedback insinuating that we all needed psychiatric help — we thought that we might as well submit this to the archive. After all, you can't have too many insane stories around, can you? ;)

Monkey Business — A piece of IRC Round Robin Madness by CrazyWritersRUs, AKA Sara Kraft, Shayne Terry, Julie Stars and Wendy Richards. With author identification removed to protect the guilty ;)


Clark landed on his balcony, utterly exhausted from spending the last six hours helping to clean up after the earthquake in Venezuela. All he wanted was a hot shower and his bed. He shuffled into the bedroom, shedding his suit on the way. He'd almost reached the bathroom door when he hesitated.

There was something out of place. Something… not quite right. He turned. Looked around.

There was someone in his bed.

He frowned. No. He was just tired. He was imagining things. There wasn't really anyone in his bed.

He looked closer.

Actually, no, there wasn't someone in his bed. There was some*thing*. If he wasn't very much mistaken, lying curled up fast asleep in his bed was…

A monkey.

Clark rushed to get his robe and tied it tight around him. Sure, the monkey was sleeping… but he still felt exposed. Now, he had to focus on why and *how* there was a monkey in his bed.

His first inclination was to call Lois, but it was three o'clock in the morning. He could take care of a monkey on his own, right?

He had to think quickly before it woke up. He edged closer to his bed to get a better look. The little guy was actually kind of cute all curled up on his pillow. He could just grab it and zip to the zoo…

And what? Drop it off in the monkey enclosure? No, that wouldn't work.

He'd have to keep it at least until morning. But where? In what? He looked around his apartment hastily… He had a box… He supposed that would work. Clark made quick, silent work of putting a few holes in the sides of the box, then turned back to the monkey.

The monkey was awake. Staring at him with wide, terrified eyes. The little guy didn't look so cute anymore… and certainly not when he opened his mouth and shrieked.

The monkey had a look of malevolence in its eyes that Clark hadn't seen since the time he'd stolen Lois's last chocolate bar.

Where had the monkey come from? Clark didn't know, but he knew where it was going.

The phone rang, and as Clark turned to answer it, he saw a blurred movement out the corner of his eye. A moment later, the money had leapt off the bed and was attacking him in a wild frenzy. While this couldn't hurt Clark, it startled him, and he found himself falling backward over the box he'd just made holes in. The monkey shrieked a primal cry of monkey triumph, and in a flash it was gone.

Clark blinked, and it took him a moment to see the opened ventilation grate near the head of the bed. He could see the monkey's beady eyes staring out at him, and a quick glance showed that it was just out of reach.

This monkey wasn't cute. It was the monkey from hell.

And what was he supposed to do now? He couldn't just leave it in there.

Maybe he could lure it out. With a banana. He was glad he'd made that trip to the grocery store the day before. He was in front of the grate with one in his hand in no time.

"Here, little monkey! Here, buddy, this could be all yours if you just come out from there!"

The monkey stared, wide-eyed.

The monkey crawled out of the grate, but made no sign of wanting the banana.

Went right past him, in fact.

And suddenly, Clark couldn't believe his eyes.

In front of him, the monkey began to glow. And grow. And change form. Until it wasn't a monkey anymore. It was Lois.

"Hey, Clark. Isn't this cool? I met some people from a place called Hogwarts, and they taught me how to do this!"

Clark stood up from the floor. Then picked up his jaw. "Lois… exactly… who were those people? What in the name of… of… of Elvis is this?" he managed to croak helplessly, trying to maintain sanity.

"Oh, you know," she said casually with a wave of her hand and sat down on his bed. "Just some people I met through some friends."


"Yeah, friends. One of them was named something funny… let's see… sounded like Bumblebee."

"A bumblebee." Clark shook his head. He was torn between going into the bathroom to splash on some cold water or pinching himself.

Of course, he wouldn't feel any pain anyway, so the second option was useless.

"Lois, I'll be right back." He stumbled in the direction of the bathroom and turned on the cold water tap as soon as the door was locked behind him.

Lois? In his bedroom? In his *bed*?

Disguised as a *monkey*?

Nah. He had to be tireder than he thought.

He splashed yet more water on his face. The colder the better. That was it. Wide awake now. Wide awake. He was going to go over to that door. And he was going to open it. And when he opened it there would be neither monkey nor Lois in his bedroom. There would only be his bed, into which he would get for a good night's sleep.

He opened the door. Lois stood there watching him.

"Are you going to talk to me now, Clark?"

He stared. Rubbed his eyes. She was still there.

"Me talk to you?" He shook his head. "How about you telling me what you were doing in my bed? And disguised as a *monkey*? And how you did it? And forget all that bumblebee stuff —"

"Bumbledore, but that's not important. I came over because I wanted to talk to you, but you weren't here. So I waited. And when you didn't come back I got tired. I just lay down for a bit, that's all. I must have fallen asleep."

He shook his head again. This was making no sense.

"Anyway, that doesn't matter." She waved her hand as if to brush aside any questions he might have. "I just want to know one thing," she announced firmly. "I saw you come into the bedroom. And you weren't dressed like that when you did." She waved at his robe.

He gulped. Stared. "But… but you were asleep!"

"You think?" She rolled her eyes. "I was watching you… Superman! And you've got some explaining to do!"

Clark paled. She knew. But… not only that, if she'd been awake…

That meant she'd seen him… No. He was certain her eyes had been closed when he'd been staring at her. Or at least he dearly hoped so.

"Clark, say something."

He shook his head. He mumbled, more to himself than in answer to her plea, "*Please* tell me I'm dreaming."

"You're dreaming, Clark," Lois said with a smirk. She was clearly enjoying his embarrassment.

"Lois, do you mind if I… " He gestured at his robe, which suddenly felt altogether too small despite its roomy appearance. "Do you mind if I change?"

He watched her hold back a laugh. "Sure, go right ahead."

For the first time in his life, Clark wished he had a walk-in closet. Or a black hole to climb in. Something.

The bathroom! Clark grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from his dresser at slightly less than super speed and locked himself in the bathroom again.

It took Clark a moment to compose himself…a moment that at superspeed seemed to last an hour.

He'd hidden his secret for all this time, and it now looked as though he had nothing left to hide from Lois.

The monkey had been a handful; Lois was considerably more than that at the best of times.

Clark sighed and decided that he couldn't put it off forever; the window in the bathroom was too small to slip through. He opened the door cautiously. He'd seen rage in the monkey, and he suspected that Lois was concealing similar feelings. She was a volcano ready to blow.

And, unlike every other person in the world, there was no Superman to save *him*.

He stepped into the darkness of his bedroom. She'd turned out the lights, and all that was left was moonlight.

Crazy things aside, he knew he couldn't look at Lois standing there that way, moonlight softening her features, without feeling a sharp pang at how beautiful she was.

"Lois, you said you came here to talk to me. What did you want to talk about?" he asked gingerly.

She averted her gaze. "It was nothing, Clark. Not important anymore."

He was afraid she'd say something like that.

He took a few steps towards her. "Lois, come on, what did you want to say? If you were going to wait for me, it must've been important."

She glanced at him, and looked away again. He couldn't catch what was in her eyes. "Clark…" she began.

"Remember that time, when you — you lost your memory, and I told you…" She fumbled. "I told you — I said I loved you like a brother?"

"Yeah…" he began to answer. Where was she going with that?

She walked out to the balcony. "I think I might need fresh air."

He followed her out.

After a long pause, she started again. "Well, Clark, I don't… love you… like a brother."

He could tell she was blushing, even in the dark.

Oh, God. He could feel his heart start to race, and prayed she couldn't hear it. "Lois, what are you saying?" He nudged her on gently.

"I…" She looked down at the dirty alley beneath the balcony. "I suppose I'm saying I love you… not like a brother."

She loved him. Instantly the night looked brighter, the buildings prettier than they've ever been, the alley cleaner — well, maybe not, but it didn't look half as bad as it did a minute ago.

"Oh, Lois… Lois, are you really saying that?" he asked, afraid of the answer being negative. Something like this just couldn't last more than a minute. The gods didn't like to see mortals so blissfully happy.

She hesitantly turned to look at him; barely made eye contact. And she nodded.

The stars sparkled. The moon glistened. And the squalling alley- cats sang a heavenly chorus.

Lois loved him.

He hauled her into his arms. Kissed the living daylights out of her. And she kissed him back. Bliss.

Breathless, exhilarated, he said, "So that's why you came over to my place and fell asleep in my bed in a monkey costume?"

"It wasn't a costume. I *am* a monkey."

He blinked.

"Well, only some of the time."


"Well, you're an alien," she pointed out. That was incontrovertible, he had to admit. "What's one non-human to another?"

"I guess, if you put it that way…"

"I do," she insisted. "Now, shut up and kiss me again…"

"Okay, but no monkey business, you hear?"

And she bit him.