Submitted: May 2005
Summary: Luthor dies. And dies. And dies.
By CrazyWritersRUs < firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com>
It just goes to show that you're never safe on IRC. There we were, minding our own business, when again someone who shall be nameless pasted the beginning of another weird fic on the channel and uttered the dreaded word: NEXT! And so there we were. Trapped into writing yet more crazy stuff. Still, at least this one ought to appeal to those who love to see a certain villain get what's coming to him!
CrazyWritersRUs would like to thank Chris Carr for being very patient and thorough in her editing of what has to be one of the most insane stories she's had to GE.
The title is courtesy of Karen. ;)
Lex Go *SPLAT*!
or How Many Times Can One Human Being (well, almost <g>) Die?
A Round Robin Fic by CrazyWritersRUs, AKA Karen, Julie Stars, Sara Kraft, Queen of the Capes, David and Wendy Richards, with author names removed from individual contributions, as before, to protect the guilty.
Clark watched in fascinated horror as the man who'd been pursuing him across city rooftops with the deadly lump of Kryptonite stumbled and fell… right over the edge of the 154-storey building.
The scream was cut off abruptly as a loud *SPLAT* was heard.
Clark carefully leaned over the edge of the building. Yup. Pavement pizza. Again.
"…and of course I would have gone down after him, Inspector, but the Kryptonite had taken away most of my powers. I couldn't fly."
As what remained of Lex Luthor's body was taken away, Clark tried to heave a sigh of relief. Luthor was dead. (Again). Which should mean that he and Lois were safe. The only trouble was…
… this was one man who simply didn't seem to respect the laws of life and death.
He gave a resigned sigh. The only question now was how long it would be before the man turned up yet again like the baddest penny ever turned out by the US Mint.
As it turned out, "how long" turned out to be two days. Two days after becoming concrete crepes, he strode through the Daily Planet building, and ended up at Lois's desk.
"My dear," he exclaimed, "I've come to take you away from all this! Come away with me to Zimbabwe, and we'll live out our lives in jungle happiness!"
Lois groaned. "How many times do we have to go over this, Lex? I am not interested! In fact, I'm married to Clark. Go away and torment someone else."
"Never! My dear, how can you marry someone so… uncouth? Someone so different from us? I have the perfect way to get rid of him!" Lex pulled a metal box out from his pocket.
"Oh, here we go again," Lois groaned. "I'm not wasting my time again." Lois opened the drawer to her desk, and pulled out a revolver. The look on Lex's face was a picture as he looked down at the bullet hole in his chest before collapsing on the ground.
"And stay there." Lois put the weapon away, and sat down to call the police. "Yes, Inspector Henderson? It happened again. Yes, we'll both be here when you arrive." Lois kicked the body for emphasis. "I promise."
They just couldn't seem to get rid of him.
Just after a week, when Lois and Clark thought they'd gotten rid of him for good, they found themselves interviewing a petshop owner — something about rare frogs. They were making small talk when Lois started casually looking around the store and noticed a vicious looking-dog sitting in a cage. She nudged Clark.
"Uh, sir, do you mind if we look around the store? Lois and I were thinking of maybe getting a pet," Clark said when they were done questioning him.
At his approval, they both stood up. "Clark, this dog is creeping me out." Lois pointed to the creature.
It was a foul-looking poodle, ungroomed and lacking any of the cuteness or attraction a dog would normally bear.
"Yeah, it does look… weird…" he admitted, sticking his hand into the cage only to retrieve it when the dog tried to bite him.
Lois shivered. "It's Lex Luthor, Clark. I just know it's Lex Luthor." She stuck her hand into the cage, and shivered when the creepy animal licked her fingers. "See? It hates you. And it likes me."
She pulled her hand out and shivered again. "Yuck."
"Lois, I think that's a bit irrational… I don't think a battered dog who doesn't like me is automatically Lex Luthor," Clark pointed out. "He could be mad because he can smell that cat I stroked earlier."
"Oh, please. You can tell it's him. Trust me," she replied, disgusted.
"Yeah? How can you tell?" he challenged.
"Well, for one thing," she started to say as she bent down closer. "It says so… on his collar."
"Lo—is…" he protested.
"And the collar is… a locket." Lois reached into the cage again, but this time the dog wasn't so excited. It growled maliciously.
"Here, let me." Clark gently pushed her aside, and looked around to make sure the owner was gone. He was nowhere to be seen, and Clark assumed he was in the office adjoining the store. The door to the office was closed. "I'm invulnerable."
With great ease, he bent the cage just enough to slide his hands in, held the dog by the rear to avoid any more attacks, and slid the collar off. He fixed the cage again and handed the object to Lois.
Lois opened it carefully, only to close it back hastily when a green glow shone out.
"Okay, it's definitely Lex Luthor," Clark said in agreement, as Lois closed it tightly and put it in her purse to deal with later.
Exchanging looks, they approached the office and knocked. Not half an hour later they marched out of the store, holding a cage containing an angry animal that looked like it might have been a dog, if not for the individual residing in it.
The look in its eyes and the growl he was producing didn't make them feel guilty when they fed it to a pleased bear in the MetroZoo. The zoo officials were relieved when the couple told them they did not plan to press charges, and that it had been an accident that made the dog be "dropped" into the cage.
Lois turned the radio on as she pulled into traffic to take Clark and herself to work.
<<This just in! Lex Luthor has been spotted running around downtown Metropolis. Authorities advise extreme caution. Luthor appears to be armed and dangerous, so please avoid the downtown area if you can — >>
Lois shut off the radio in disgust and turned to Clark, an incredulous look on her face. "Unbelievable! Clark! Can you believe that?! We just killed him last week! Again!"
Clark just nodded and sat back to enjoy the babble he knew was coming. They'd killed him before. They'd kill him again. He wasn't *too* worried.
"I mean, c'mon, Clark, who can survive falling from the top of Lex Tower, a subway cave-in, falling from a *154* story building, being shot point blank in the chest, only to come back to life as some mangy mutt and be eaten alive by a bear! Seriously —"
Clark felt the Jeep jolt. They'd hit something! Neither of them had noticed. He'd been too busy watching Lois as she ranted and she'd been too busy ranting.
Lois gasped and slammed on the brakes, thankful she and Clark had decided to go in on a Sunday morning. At three o'clock. She tried to open her door, but found that that one of those stupid road construction barriers was in her way. She'd have to back up.
She looked over at Clark, who'd obviously just had the same thought. "Quicker is better, right, Clark? Kind of like ripping the band-aid?"
He nodded, apparently still a little shell-shocked.
Lois put the car into reverse and slammed on the gas. It was like going over those horrid speed bumps in their neighborhood — thump, thump — the ones that if you went over too quickly made the undercarriage of the car scrape on the ground. She hated that.
Clear of the barricade now, Lois and Clark both exited the car and stared in shock at the crushed heap on the ground. It was Lex!
"Oops," Lois said, trying to hold the laughter in.
Clark barely contained a chuckle himself. "Look, Lois, he's holding something. Must be the weapon… but it doesn't really look like…"
"Good lord, Clark! It's a canister of peanuts!"
"What kind are they, Lois?"
"Clark! Does it really matter?" She sighed. "Well if you're so curious, why don't you just look?" She indicated his glasses.
Clark did as she suggested and laughed heartily.
"What? What kind are they?"
"Little Mrs Tempus Nuts."
"That's just not right, Clark." They both laughed for a good few minutes until it became clear that people actually *were* out and about on this early Sunday morning.
"Clark, what are we going to do? There are oodles of cars behind us and we can't back up, nor can we turn 'cause of that barrier."
Clark shrugged and grinned. "I guess the only way to go is forward."
"Okay, Ma'am, here's your keys, your warranty, your insurance papers, and your 30-page disclaimer."
"Nothing. Have a nice day, and remember, Mike's Autos are the absolute best!"
Lois shrugged and pulled out of the lot in her new car. Her poor Jeep had suffered a lot of abuse lately, and the last investigation—well, she liked to think it was in a better place.
She turned to head back toward Hyperion Avenue to pick up Clark. He was standing right on the front lawn waiting for her. However, Just as Lois got close, the car suddenly sped up, zooming past Clark, the house, and the whole neighborhood!
"What on Earth?!"
That voice…It couldn't be! "Lex?!"
"But of course!"
Lois craned her neck, looking for the source of the voice. It seemed to be coming from inside the car! "Where are you?!"
The car turned left of its own volition. "Right here, darling. Always right here."
"You're in my car?"
The horn honked in time with Lex's chuckle. "Close…"
Lois' jaw dropped. "You're kidding me!"
The car…Lex…turned again. "Did you really think you'd be rid of me, Lois?"
Lois tried frantically to open her door, but the Lexmobile had locked it.
"Tut, tut!" Lex honked. "Leaving so soon?"
"Where are you taking me?!" Lois demanded.
"To the chapel, Lois! See Lois, I want you. I want you so bad. I want you so bad, it's driving me mad, it's driving me—" Lex coughed, which sounded like a honk. "Sorry. It's this infernal radio."
Lois let go of the wheel, realizing that it was pointless trying to steer. "Chapel?"
"Yes! We're goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get ma-a-arried, goin' to the cha—argh! Anyway, you get the idea."
Lois blinked. "Lex? Have you lost your mind?! We can't get married! First of all, I'm already married, and second of all, you're a car!"
"So?" Lex beeped. "I have a priest and a judge who owe me a few favors."
Lois shook her head. "I don't believe this!"
"Believe it, Lois," The Lexmobile chuckled. "From now on, I'm the Captain of your heart! It's just me and you, and you and me, no matter how—gah!!! As soon as we get married, the first thing I'm going to do is have this radio removed!!"
Lois chewed her lip. What could she do? She was completely at this mad man—car—'s mercy! Unless…
Lois rummaged around in her purse. The gift from Lucy. She'd been on her way to return it, but it just might save her! She found the gift, quickly removed the packaging, and slipped it into Lex's tape-deck.
"It's a long way to Tipperary It's a long way to go It's a long way to Tipperary…"
Lex screamed/honked and began swerving.
"Lois! What did you do?! You're the sweetest girl I know; it's a long way to Tip—"
The vile lyric was cut short as the Lexmobile rammed into a cow. The airbags deployed and Lois's seatbelt kept her from banging her head on the dashboard. She was saved, but Lex and the cow were both totalled.
<Now why is a cow running loose on the streets of Metropolis?> Lois wondered, but in the end, she decided it didn't matter. She got out and called Clark on her cell-phone, humming while it rang.
"It's a long way, to crash a Lex-y…"
Lois looked over at Clark. He looked horrible — worse than horrible, he looked positively sick.
"Really, Clark, you should go see Dr. Klein." She tried to convince him. Again.
"I don't need to see a doctor." He declined again. "I'm sure it's just a cold or something."
"But, Clark, you don't get colds!"
"Not normally, but, well, it's been overcast every day for the last month, and we do know there are Kryptonian viruses floating out there."
"Which is all the more reason you should see Dr. Klein!" She really didn't see why he kept refusing. With all the stress they'd been put through lately, they didn't need Clark to get sick.
"Let's just go to work," Clark offered. "I'm not even feeling that bad."
Resigned for now, Lois followed Clark outside. Maybe she'd be able to recruit Perry once they'd arrived and they could both pressure him. She sighed. Sometimes he was such a man.
They decided to walk to work. Neither of them planned to use a car for quite a while. They were about half a block from the Planet when a loud, booming voice interrupted the general hum.
"I'm back!" it announced.
Lois thought she recognised it, but it was hard to tell, distorted as it was by a mechanical twang.
"Oh no," Clark moaned. Lois followed his line of sight.
It was — Lex? Again?!
"It is I," he boomed. "RoboLex!"
Lois looked over at Clark. He was looking at RoboLex in shock, but there was something else on his face. She'd come to recognise that look over the last few hours. He was holding in a sneeze again.
"Clark!" she exclaimed. "You really should see Dr. Klein!"
RoboLex was shocked. She was… ignoring him?
She was ignoring him!
He stepped forward.
"I said, it is I, RoboLex!"
Lois looked at him again. Oh yeah. Well, she'd have to deal with him, she supposed, but first… She picked up her foot and drove her heel down onto Clark's foot, breaking his concentration.
Lois was triumphant.
Her gloating was cut off before it had a chance to begin by a fizzling sound and… was that smoke?
Her gaze shot back to RoboLex, but he wasn't there. She followed the trail of the sticky substance she really didn't want to identify across the street and spotted him. Embedded in the brick wall across the street, dripping, and sparking.
"Oh no!" a small voice exclaimed. RoboLex's face fell off, revealing a chamber, and… was that?
It was! RoboLex was really RoachLex!
RoachLex jumped out of his control chamber and tried to scurry away into a hole, but his escape was cut off by the tire of a tricycle.
"Ew! Mommy! Ew! Get it off, get it off!" the child screamed, and the spell was broken.
Lois turned to Clark. "As for you, we're calling Dr. Klein as soon as we reach the Planet, end of story!"
It had been over two weeks since Luthor's last resurrection — if it could be called that. First a dog, then a car, and most recently a robot! Clark was beginning to hope, even if very faintly, that they might have seen the last of him. Finally. After all, they were running out of excuses for dead bodies, and even Bill Henderson had hinted that he wasn't sure how many more times he could write off a dead body as a John Doe who just happened to look like Lex Luthor and had somehow happened to — accidentally, of course — kill himself.
If Luthor had finally, at long last, shuffled off this mortal coil for good, he would be delighted. Overjoyed. He might even start watching LNN again.
"Hey, Superfreak! Catch!"
Uh-oh. No, he'd definitely been hoping in vain. That was unmistakeably Luthor's voice.
He faced the direction of the loathed voice. Luthor — in human form this time — stood leaning against a railing, tossing something from one hand to another. It looked like a baseball.
Clark rolled his eyes. "What now, Luthor?"
"Catch." The word was drawled. The ball headed towards him.
He caught it — and his hand burned.
He rolled his eyes. "Not Kryptonite again, Luthor? You're so predictable."
"It takes one to know one, Supersquirt."
"Well…" Clark tucked the ball into his cape. "What you don't know is that the more Kryptonite I'm exposed to, the less I feel it. And you've been exposing me to it rather a lot lately…"
"Well, in that case I'll just go and kidnap Lois again." Luthor sketched a bow and made to turn away.
"Look, why don't you just give up and stay dead?" Clark demanded.
"Why should I? This is far too entertaining."
Clark sighed. "Yes, but you know what's going to happen. Either Lois or I or Clark is going to kill you again. And I hate killing."
"Oh yes. Your famed ethics. Superman doesn't kill. I have to say that I'm enjoying proving you wrong."
Luthor was right. Clark hated to admit it. "Though I could argue that you're actually committing suicide. Repeatedly. Aren't you?"
Luthor just grinned. "Isn't that an oxymoron?" Then he waved farewell. "Lois, here I come!"
"Oh, I give up." Clark swooped over and grabbed him. Within twenty seconds, he'd flown the two of them to the Arctic. That should do the trick. Letting go of Luthor, he let the older man tumble down onto the ice. He landed with a very satisfying SPLAT. With a relieved smile, Clark flew off and left him at the mercy of the polar bears.
Between the wildlife and the temperatures, he reckoned Luthor wouldn't last more than half a day.
The only problem was… like Arnold, he'd be back.
"You know, Lois, I'm getting really tired of Luthor popping up every single day coming after us."
"Me too, Clark. Maybe we should take care of him once and for all. Jimmy!" Lois bellowed across the newsroom.
"You rang, Lois?" Jimmy asked as he bounded up, dropping papers as he went.
"Can you track down every location of Luthor sightings in the past week, and find out where they're coming from?"
"Yeah, I'll get right on that." Jimmy bent down and gathered up papers and pictures, before taking everything back to his desk.
Two hours later, they had the results. It seemed that all the Lex sightings started at a sewage grating in the middle of Centennial Park. Clark quickly spun into Superman, and was down the manhole in minutes.
To his surprise, he was surrounded by Lex Luthors! Big ones, small ones, bald ones, ones with full heads of hair!
"Superman!" they cried out in chorus. "Now we can defeat you once and for all." All of the Luthors started converging on a metal box in the corner, then began fighting as each one tried to be the first to open the box.
Within minutes, many of the clones were covering black eyes and bloody ears, and still trying to swing at each other.
"That's enough!" Superman yelled. He shook off his amazement and flew across the tunnel. He shoved the Luthors out of the way and welded the box shut, telling himself to make sure Lois got it later.
The Lexes, all suitably angry, started attacking Superman. Seconds later, bodies were flying. *Whomp* A Lex slammed into the floor. *Thump* Five more hit the wall, leaving Lex-sized imprints in the brick.
Minutes later, though it seemed like hours to a speedy Superman, all of the evil clones had been dispatched, and were lying in various parts of the tunnel.
This was the sight that greeted Lois as she ran down the tunnel. "Wha… how many were there?"
"Too many. I'm going to get rid of all of them so they don't come back." Superman handed the lead box to Lois. "Can you make sure this goes someplace safe?"
Lois nodded, and Clark started scooping up all the bodies. He flew them up to the surface, and started placing them in a nearby trailer truck.
Once all the bodies were accounted for, he flew the truck up into space and threw it towards the sun, where it exploded upon impact, and was later mistaken by scientists as really bad solar flares and a possible end to the Sun.
"Superman!" Clark heard Lois cry from the surface. "There's one left, and he's getting away!"
Superman flew up to the surface, his sonic boom demolishing what was left of the tunnel, and apprehended the last Lex as he ran down an alleyway. He was about ten thousand feet above the ground, intending to send the last one after the rest, when a wriggling Lex proved too much for him.
He looked down in fascination as Lex fell one thousand, two thousand, five thousand feet, falling faster and faster until finally… finally…