Lex on Life

By Hazel <Ihazel@yahoo.com>

Rated: PG

Submitted: August 2005

Summary: In this light-hearted filk, dedicated to the 2005 Kerths, Lex Luthor explains his views on life to the background of Season One.

Author's Note: Unlike my usual filks, this one includes stage directions in brackets. I have also included an optional ending for those for prefer their Lexes to be not only shaken, but also stirred and splatted.

This filk is sung to the tune of "Just a Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down," from Mary Poppins.


~ cue music ~

[Lex strolls onto the stage, debonair in an impeccable suit of exquisite taste, holding an unlit cigar in one hand.]

Lex, in the tone of a patient lecturer: In every battle to be won, there is a foe to overcome.

[He stretches out a languid hand. The mayor of Metropolis rushes onstage, fumbling with a lighter.]

Lex: You crush the foe, and… snap! The war's a game!

[The cigar flares into life, and Lex draws deeply before blowing a cloud of smoke toward the rapidly-retreating mayor.]

Lex, starting to sing now:

And every task I undertake, I make my victims quake… With great design Metropolis is miiiine!

Just… a… small bit of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,

Superman go dowwwn,

Superman go down,

Just a small bit of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,

In a most delightful way!

[Miranda flounces onstage from the right, waving a perfume atomizer about. She is flanked by Toni Baines and Toni Taylor, who look equally petulant. Lex barely glances at Miranda as she comes up behind him and starts pumping vigorously with the atomizer. The two Tonis remain slightly behind Miranda, acting as a peevish Greek chorus in gestures.

Meanwhile, from stage left, several worried-looking men shuffle in: Max Menken of the illegal boxers in RFaS, Dr. Edward Sayer of the heat wave in MoSB, Peter Roarke of the tidal wave in HiM, Dr. Fabian Leek of Vatman, Devane of BatP who tried to sell the Kryptonite, and Jack in prison uniform. Nigel materializes silently behind them, his face utterly deadpan even as he strokes the silenced automatic in his hand.]

Lex: A robber baron at his best

Takes on challenges with zest

While fleecing every victim he can find

[Miranda, frustrated, has unscrewed the atomizer and is pouring its contents over Lex's curls. He rolls his eyes and crooks a finger offstage. Even as he continues to sing, a dozen of Metropolis' finest scurry onstage to cuff Miranda and the Tonis and drag them bodily away. The women's howls of protests are slightly muffled, allowing Lex's voice to be heard clearly.

Nigel, meanwhile, has released the safety on his automatic and has started shooting Lex's male victims. With his usual good timing, he arranges for each body to collapse in time to Lex's song. Only Jack dives directly into the audience and escapes immediate death.]

Lex: While still intent upon his goal [THUD! from the first body]

Of ruling those in his control [THUD! number two]

He pays [THUD!] no mind [THUD!]

To scapegoats left behind… [THUD!]

[Miranda's and the Tonis' last screams of protest die away, and Lex flashes his boyish grin at the audience as he continues.]

Lex: Just… a… handful of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,

Superman go dowwwn,

Superman go down,

Just a handful of Kryptonite to make Superman go down,

In a most delightful way!

[During this last chorus, the Smart Kids, pig in tow, peer cautiously onto stage, then hastily retreat. Monique and Jules of NB take a few steps onstage, spy Nigel and his automatic, and discreetly retire as quickly as possible.]

Lex: The lovely money and the power that I wangle and I wield Are best employed at crushing all dissent

[Mrs. Cox panthers on to the stage at this point, dressed in a longish jacket and fishnet stockings. Her Kryptonite pendant shows clearly in her plunging cleavage. She hands Lex two cummerbunds, one white and one black. Nigel produces an axe from somewhere in his jacket, and Mrs. Cox takes it from him.]

Lex: So with one hand I'll wed a bride

While brushing Superman aside

One dead (one dead!), one tame (one tame!),

Once more I've won the game!

[Lex drapes the two cummerbunds around his neck and takes the axe from Mrs. Cox, handing her his cigar in return. He gives the axe a loving pat and begins to stroll offstage. Mrs. Cox and Nigel exit on the opposite side as Lex continues to sing.]

Lex: Just… a… cageful of Kryptonite to make Superman go down, Superman go dowwwn, Superman go down, Oh, just a cageful of Kryptonite to make Superman go down, In a most delightful wayyyy!

[Curtain closes. Audience applauds wildly.]

[Final stage direction for those who prefer it that way:

Lex, from offstage: YEAAARGGGGHHH! (SPLAT!)]


(End, most definitely… and why not drop me a line at Ihazel@yahoo.com, and let me know which ending you prefer? <bg>)