Bang, Bang! You're… Not Dead?

By Paul-Gabriel Wiener <>

Raged PG

Submitted September 2004

Summary: In this short but humorous response to Yvonne Connell's TOGOM challenge, Clark panics, leading to an odd reaction to being shot.

This was written in response to a challenge on the boards by Yvonne Connell. The challenge was to write a TOGOM fic in which Clark doesn't pretend to die. This was one of the results…



The sound rang in his ears even as he felt something hit his chest. As had happened countless times before, he had just been shot. Only this time, he was dressed as Clark Kent, not Superman. This was not good. He looked around. People were staring at him. They were expecting something. What was it? Oh, right. He'd been shot. He was supposed to be hurt. "Ow!"


That was Lois, looking concerned and somewhat confused. Clearly, his acting wasn't good enough. What was wrong? He was panicking. He couldn't think it through. "That hurt!" he ventured.

"Clark, are you… okay?"

Hmm. Nope. Still not right. Whispers from the crowd reached his ears. "He must be in shock." "How come he's not dead?" "Is he bleeding? I don't think he's bleeding. Where's the blood?" Oh. He was supposed to be bleeding, and possibly dead. That made things a little more complicated. Okay, why wasn't he bleeding? Think fast. Something must have stopped the bullet. What could do that? Something in his pocket? Good start! The notebook! … No. Bullets went through paper. His wallet! … No, probably not good enough, either. Besides, then he'd have to put holes in all his credit cards. Wait, there'd been that movie, where the bullet had been stopped by something… What was it? Oh yeah! "Uhm, I think I'm fine, Lois. The bullet must have hit my… uh… cigarette case."

"Cigarette case? What cigarette case? You don't smoke!"

Oh, yeah. Oops. "I, uh.. I've been thinking of starting?"

"What? Since when? Why? And why did you start by picking up a cigarette case? Aren't those things a little expensive?"

Darn. This wasn't really working out as well as he'd hoped. "It was… uhm… a gift. From my… er… Aunt… Sally." As he frantically tried to come up with an explanation, he scanned the crowd. No one had a cigarette case. Except.. Dillenger. But how to get it? And how could he explain —


Great. He'd been shot. Again. "Ow! Stop that!"

"Clark, don't tell me that one hit the cigarette case, too…"

"Okay, fine. I don't have a cigarette case. I didn't want to tell you this, but… uh… Superman… He… uh… he let me borrow his costume, and… uh… it stays invulnerable for a while after he's worn it."

"Superman? Why did he —"


"Ow! Could you please stop doing that? … Listen, Lois, can we discuss this later?"

"What? Oh. Sure. Yeah."

Clark walked up towards the gangsters. Clyde kept shooting. Clark pretended to flinch, but kept walking. Dillenger started shooting, too. Capone turned to run.

"I really wish you'd stop doing that," Clark said to Clyde. A moment later, carefully moving at no more than human speed, he punched the gangster. Then, as Clyde fell back, Clark tripped Capone and knocked the gun out of Dillenger's hand. Everyone stared at him, stunned. Clark felt like he should say something. "Uhm… Citizen's arrest!"

There was a brief pause, while everyone absorbed this. Clark smiled hopefully at the crowd. Then, slowly, they started to applaud. The gangsters looked like they wanted to do something else, but they weren't quite sure what. Fortunately, the situation was taken out of their hands by the timely arrival of the police.

The cops took the gangsters into custody. Then they tried to sort out what had happened. There was a lot of confusion. They eventually gave up and left with a pile of verbal reports and a long list of contact information. The paperwork was not going to be easy, but there was enough evidence to make a fairly airtight case against the gangsters.

After the police left, Lois went to talk to her partner. "Where do you think they came from?"

"I don't know. We'll figure it out, I'm sure."

"Yeah… So, Superman lent you his costume?"

"Uh, yes."

"That was nice of him."

"Yes, I suppose it was."

"How well does it fit?"

"Well enough, I guess. It's under my shirt, so I don't really have to worry about that too much."

"Yeah. It saved your life. That's the important thing."

"I didn't know you cared."

"What? Of course I…" She looked over and realized he was grinning. She smacked him on the arm.


"Oh, Clark," she laughed. "Wait a sec… If you're wearing Superman's costume…"

"Yes…?" he asked hesitantly.

"That means it *does* come off! Hey, do you think he's up there right now, flying around without it?"

"Lois?" He didn't know what to say to that. Luckily, it wasn't a problem. She wasn't listening. She was looking up, searching the skies with all her concentration. "Come on, partner," he said, gently putting an arm around her, "let's go."

"Yeah," she said vaguely, squinting hopefully at a cloud, "let's go."