By Tank Wilson <TankW1@aol.com>
Submitted for your approval: January 2003
Summary: This rewrite of "Ordinary People," as the author says, is "strictly for giggles."
This little exercise in silliness was written and posted to Zoom's boards some months back, but in my typical style, I forgot to send it to the archives. So I am doing that now.
This was an episode rewrite done strictly for giggles. Whether or not the gentle readers are amused by this, will remain to be seen. Any and all comments are welcome at TankW1@aol.com.
As always, all characters are trademarked and copyrighted to their respective owners.
Lois bounced up the steps toward the vending machine and Clark. "I know you think I'm not thinking about it. Just because I'm not talking about it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it." Lois grabbed Clark's hand and began to take some of the change out of it.
"Lois, marriage is a very big step," Clark said in his most understanding voice. "I said I would wait, and I will wait."
Lois began to put the coins she purloined from Clark into the machine. "I'm glad you understand."
Clark leaned against the vending machine. "Oh course, if I were the paranoid type I might think you were trying to avoid the whole thing."
A short laugh sprung from Lois' mouth. "'Course not. Avoid it, no, I'm not trying to avoid it." Lois took a whiff of the sandwich she pulled from the machine. "Did you ever notice how lousy the cheese sandwiches are in this machine?" Lois used the offending sandwich to point at the machine.
Clark was lost by the abrupt change of subject. "What?"
"Oh, I'm just saying you can't get a good cheese sandwich. I mean I would kill for a piece of Camembert. The really good kind from France. You notice it's tough to get good Camembert outside of France?"
"Lois, you know I'm so glad you're not avoiding this whole thing. I'm very, very happy about that." Clark's expression changed to one of puzzlement. "But what are you doing having a cheese sandwich at nine o'clock in the morning?
"Oh, Lois," Perry White strolled toward the pair. "You busy?"
Lois stared down at her sandwich then back up at her boss. "Um, no, no no, just talking to Clark here."
Perry pointed toward his office.
Lois looked around, feeling suddenly alone. "Clark?"
Once in his office, Lois began to pace in front of her editor. "Perry, I am fine. Don't worry about me. I'm not working too hard." She pointed through the blinds toward the bullpen. "Can I go back to work?"
Perry held up his hands to stop her pacing. "Now, Lois, I read you like a book. Things get a little rough in your life, you wrap yourself up in your work." Perry stepped over and closed the office door. "Like it was going to save you."
"Look, Chief, I've got to draw the line here." Lois' hands began to flail about. "I have a professional life, and I have a personal life." Lois turned away from Perry a note of distress entered her voice. "And Clark asked me to marry him!"
Perry stared in consternation at his favorite reporter. "Lois, don't you think you ought to try dating first?"
Lois whirled around to face her boss. "But…" Lois' brow furrowed in thought. "You know, that might be a good idea. I'll have to bring that idea up to Clark." She leaned up and gave Perry a peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Chief."
"Now, Lois, whatever this thing is between you and Clark you're going to have to work it out, and I don't mean over a cheese sandwich at your desk."
"Where do you mean?"
"Well," Perry shrugged. "Get out of town, so you can focus on what really counts."
Lois frowned. "Can I still have a cheese sandwich?"
Suddenly the ringing phone disrupted the deeply meaningful conversation. Perry picked up the receiver. "It's for you, " he said, handing Lois the phone.
Lois had a look of triumph on her face when she hung up. "That was my police source," she said her voice flushed with excitement. "He says they just found four bodies, all male, in a shallow grave. The first two ID'd last seen at one Spencer Spencer Love Fortress." She opened the door and made to exit. She stopped herself and rushed back in. "Oh, and get this, they were all headless."
"Good Lord," Perry said, watching the excitement level rise in his star reporter. "Hey, Lois, a word to the wise. Honey, there'll always be another headless corpse — but true love? Comes around maybe once."
Lois looked at her boss like he had lost his mind, then shrugged her shoulders. "Sure… maybe…whatever." She hustled back out of the office. She had a contact to meet.
As Lois strode purposely toward her desk Jimmy tried to catch her attention as she passed him by.
"Hey, there you are," he said. "I guess you haven't seen your desk yet?"
"Not now, Jimmy, I just got a major tip I've got to…" Lois turned toward Jimmy, confused, but didn't slow her walk. "What about my desk?"
Lois quickly reached her desk to see a large basket of cheeses sitting prominently in the middle of it. A knowing chuckle escaped from her lips as she picked up a round.
"Camembert," she said, then looked up to see Clark standing next to her desk. "Let me guess, France?"
Clark played with his tie. "Oui, but of course."
Lois blushed as she slipped her bag's strap over her shoulder. "Clark, that's so… sweet."
Clark looked uncertain. "But?"
Lois blushed again. "No, I don't want to say."
"Come on, Lois. You can tell me. What is it?"
Lois shrugged. "Well, your French accent is really bad." She noticed the hurt look on his face. "And that's okay, really. You know how I feel about the French." Lois studied Clark's face and saw that he knew there was more to come. "And — well, there are only eight small rounds here. I mean, how long will that last? If you were going to go to all the trouble you could have at least gotten enough to last for a while." Lois' eyes suddenly opened wide.
"Lois, what is it? What's wrong now?"
Lois bit her lip before answering. "I just remembered that I said I'd kill for some good Camembert." She hefted one of the rounds in her hand. "Now I have to kill someone." She looked to Clark for counsel. "You have anyone in mind?"
Clark appeared to ponder for a moment. "Well…"
Lois gave him a stern look. "And don't suggest Jimmy. He may be an annoying, whiny loser, but I'm *not* about to do my own research."
Clark smiled at Lois. "Okay, you choose."
Lois spun on her heel and headed for the back of the newsroom. "Ralph!"
Clark turned away and winced as he heard the brief disturbance over at Ralph's desk. The high pitched squeal was cut off in mid-scream. Then an eerie silence for several moments, followed by raucous applause.
Lois stormed back and grabbed up her basket of cheese and addressed Clark. "We'll talk when I get home. For now I've got some headless corpses to track down." Lois marched quickly to the elevator.
"Some… what?" Clark stared after her.
Lois stormed out to the sidewalk in front of the Daily Planet, trying to juggle her briefcase, her bag, the cheese and a number of assorted files. As she neared her parking spot she noticed that she was blocked in by a skip-loader with a large supply of paper. Cursing like a sailor, Lois approached the machine operator with the intention of giving him a piece of her mind when her cell phone rang. Fumbling with her load of packages, Lois finally managed to get her cell phone out of her bag.
"Yes," she answered, somewhat impatiently.
"Ms. Lane, you have an overseas call." The voice was the most pathetic sounding operator she had ever heard.
"What? No, I… oh, all right." Lois sighed.
If Lois had looked up at that moment she would have noticed a disreputable looking fellow working feverishly on the bolts which held the Planet's large flagpole firmly against the building. One by one the nuts on the bolts holding the heavy flagpole were removed, until only one still held the pole in place.
"Hello? Hello?" Lois shouted into her phone, obviously annoyed by the delay.
"Please hold, I'm transferring."
"Yes, yes, I'm holding." Lois sighed exasperated. She glanced over to the first hapless individual she saw. "Hey, can you call down to maintenance? Some moron has me blocked in." She gave her attention back to the phone cradled next to her ear. "Hello!"
Suddenly there was a loud crack and her eyes were drawn upward toward the sound. "Oh, poo!" Was all she could say as she stood frozen watching the large, heavy flagpole fall away from the side of the building and hurtle toward her.
Suddenly a blue and red blur flashed by. Lois found herself snatched right out of her shoes from the spot she had been standing, just as the flagpole came crashing down, destroying the sidewalk news kiosk in an explosion of splintering wood. The cheese, of course, had been ruined also.
A very shaken Lois and Superman floated gently back toward the ground from the spot high in the air where he had whisked her upon recognition of her danger.
"Are you all right?" Superman's voice had a slight waver to it.
"Yes, thank you," she replied somewhat dazed and breathless. "I know it's not enough to say, but it's the best I can…" Lois stared at him, her expression showing her wonder at his demeanor. She spoke to him gently. "Wow, look at you. You've gotten me out of a lot of jams, but I've never seen you like this." She gently touched his cheek.
Superman's look was full of concern. "Things are different now."
Lois's look changed to one of confusion. "Really? Why? I thought you told me you have always loved me? Why is it different now? Is it because I know? Is it because we are 'sort of' a couple? Why would you care more now than you did before?"
Superman sighed. "I didn't mean it that way I just…"
"Oh, never mind." Lois looked at the mess on the sidewalk. "I think my cheese is ruined." She shook her head sadly. "And I don't think old Henry is much better."
Superman looked down to where Lois was staring. He too saw the hand of the proprietor of the sidewalk stand sticking out from under the rubble that was once his means of support.
Superman blushed. "Oops! I guess I should have caught the flagpole instead of just plucking you out of the way."
Lois shrugged. "I guess, but he was old anyway. I know he had arthritis and lots of other medical problems. You probably did him a favor."
Superman nodded, but didn't seem quite convinced. "Maybe…"
Lois stepped away from him once they landed on the sidewalk. She went over and picked up her bag, briefcase, and her files. She left the smear of cheese on the sidewalk. She straightened up and faced Superman.
"I have some interviews to conduct." She lowered her voice. "Meet me back at my apartment later."
"Okay." He watched as she flagged down a cab, obviously not waiting to see if her Jeep would ever get unblocked.
Lois came out of her bathroom, dressed in her comfortable, slumpy clothes. Her hair was wet and she was toweling it dry when she was interrupted by a knock on her window.
"Who is it?" She asked before she could stop herself.
Superman stepped through the open window. "Who is it? Lois, who else knocks on your third story window?"
Lois gave him a grin. "Counting you?" Suddenly her look became thoughtful. "Wait, you said third story window? I thought my apartment number was 501. Wouldn't that make this the fifth floor?"
Superman shrugged apologetically. "Actually, your apartment number is usually 105… and then sometimes it's 501… but today I think it's 305."
Lois nodded knowingly. "Confusing, isn't it?"
They both laughed for a short time then Lois crossed over to a chair that didn't face him and flopped bonelessly into it. She stared at her lap, her features a bit pensive.
"I guess I didn't seem very appreciative today about all that cheese." She sighed. "But a boyfriend who can turn my every whim into reality takes some getting used to."
"A boyfriend? Who is it? Who is he?" Clark sounded alarmed.
Lois rolled her eyes. She reached up and knocked on his forehead. "Hello? Anyone home? He's you, dummy."
Clark blushed. "Oh yeah."
Lois returned to her lecture. "I'm serious here, Clark. I mean, my God, what if I said I wanted a perfect pearl from Japan…"
Lois didn't notice the sudden breeze which blew her hair into her face as Clark left in a familiar whoosh.
"… I'd never expect it to just appear."
Almost instantly Clark was back, a silly grin on his face and an enormous pearl, still in the oyster shell, in his hand. He laid it on the end table. Lois blathered on unknowing.
"Or if I casually expressed a craving for Swiss chocolate…"
This time his leaving blew over a lamp which burst in a shower of sparks. Lois continued on never realizing Clark had left.
"… You think I'd really expect you to go zipping off to Switzerland?"
This time Clark was loaded down with several large wrapped blocks of dark, creamy chocolate.
"No more than if I said I said I wanted snow from the Andes…"
Clark threw up his hands in frustration as he sped away yet again. This time forgetting to use the window. Lois was oblivious to the crash and splintering of her apartment wall being torn out by Clark's impetuous exit.
"Though, why anyone would want snow from the Andes is beyond me? Anyway, these are just idle fantasies, not the kind of thing…"
Clark returned with a wheelbarrow full of snow which he deposited on Lois' clean beige carpet. The snow began to melt as soon as it touched the warm flooring.
Lois continued her pacing and her dialog. "… That's really important between two…" She finally looked his way and was shocked to see not only the gifts, but the massive destruction caused to her apartment. "You've gotta stop — doing — this!"
"Why? Making you happy makes me happy."
"No." She pointed to the devastation he caused. "You gotta stop doing that! The gifts I like just fine." She seized a big hunk of chocolate and shoved it into her mouth. "Mmmmm, this is really good." Lois picked up more chocolate and walked back to the chair and flopped back down into it. She glared at Clark. "Now clean up this mess before my landlord wonders what happened up here." She noticed him get that far away look in his eye. "Oh no you don't, buster. No flying off to save the day until after you've repaired my apartment!"
Clark gave Lois his best puppy dog look. "I'm really sorry, Lois, but I've gotta go."
The rush of air from the wake of Clark's leaving blew Lois and the chair she was sitting in completely over. She landed in a slushy pile of melting snow.
She stared out through the hole in the wall of her apartment. "Swell."
Jimmy Olsen struggled mightily, carrying a large, ornate basket into Perry White's office. The basket was loaded with tropical fruits and flowers, leis, large color photos, brochures, and was wrapped in cellophane. Jimmy was huffing and puffing like an eighty year old asthmatic when he finally wrestled the package to Perry's desk.
"This promotional basket just came, Chief." Jimmy wheezed out between his gasping for breath.
"Great shades of Elvis, they get worse every year. People are fleeing Cuba in things smaller than this."
Jimmy looked amazed. "Really?" Jimmy missed Perry's eyes rolling heavenward. He whipped out an envelope. "They're hoping that you'll send the travel editor to review this new private island resort. They say it's the perfect spot to fall in love."
Perry shook his head as he looked slowly up at Jimmy. "Should I read — any — of my mail, or just ask you for a summary?"
"Would you want that as a written summary, or a verbal one, Chief?"
Perry dropped his head into his hands. Jimmy continued, his voice taking on a wheedling tone. "I was kinda thinking, the travel editor's awfully busy, and you might wanna send someone, oh… younger and more in need of a vacation?"
Perry rubbed his chin in a classic thoughtful pose which he knew was getting Jimmy's hopes up. "You know, son, I think you're on to something?"
Perry couldn't help but smile. "Tell Lois to get in here."
Jimmy deflated like a child's balloon in the hands of his little sister. "Lois? Aww, Chief."
Perry cocked his eyebrow at Jimmy. "What? You think I should send you?" He gave the young gopher a pointed look. "And just who would you have to bring along to fall in love with?"
Jimmy blushed fiercely and quickly pulled his hand out of his pocket.
Lois looked like a try out for a Ringling Bros. Circus act, juggling her bag, her briefcase, several folders, and the big promotional basket, as she fumbled for the keys to her apartment. With a superhuman dexterity of her own she finally managed to get the keys in the lock and the door opened. She walked into her apartment and dropped most of her stuff on the kitchen counter. She didn't know what to do with the large basket so she set it on the trash basket next to the counter. Before she could do anything else there was another knock at the door. It was Clark.
"See? I used the door, just like a regular guy," he said proudly as he entered after Lois opened the door for him.
"Very impressive," Lois conceded.
"Yessir, walked down the old street, came up the old stairs."
"I'll have you know that they repaved that street just a few months ago and this building isn't that old, so those stairs aren't either." Lois glared indignantly at Clark.
"You know what I mean."
Clark walked over and saw the large basket sitting on the trash can. He reached down and picked up the huge basket. Within a few moments he'd compressed the giant basket into a tiny cube and tossed it over his shoulder into the trash can.
"What was that thing I just…" Clark began.
Lois turned and noticed what Clark had done. "Clark, you didn't!" She peered into the can and saw the small block that had been her basket of goodies. "You lunkhead. I wanted that basket."
Clark's lower lip drooped a bit. "Well then, why was it sitting on the waste basket? I figured you didn't want it."
Lois rolled her eyes. "Of course, why would I want any of those beautiful flowers, or the delicious exotic fruits and candies that came with it. Silly me." She glared at Clark. "I just set it there for the time being, to get it out of the way until I could find a place to put it."
Clark looked sheepish. "Oh, sorry. What was it anyway?"
Lois just shook her head in frustration. "It *was* a promotional basket from some stupid island resort."
Clark nodded, knowingly. "Oh, so Perry got to you, too."
Lois' voice raised a notch in volume. "He's practically ordering us to go!" Her voice returned to her normal confident 'in charge' tone. "I told him I'm way too busy."
"Yeah, I guess work'd be a lot safer than seeing what an uninterrupted weekend with me would be like." Clark's tone was challenging.
Lois didn't rise to the bait. "Probably, but just hold on there. I'm not the one leaping off big buildings at every distant S.O.S."
"What're you saying?" Clark was being particularly slow on the uptake.
"Just that you couldn't stand letting the world get by on its own for two whole days," Lois answered smugly. "And the Planet would probably collapse if I wasn't there."
Clark ignored her last comment. "And you'd rather write about other people's lives 'cause it's less scary than living one of your own."
A self-satisfied smile spread across Lois' face as she saw Clark get 'that look'. She knew he heard something, or someone that needed the attention of Superman. She cocked her brow at him.
"Someone… want you?" she asked in mock innocence.
Clark looked at his shoes, then the ceiling, anywhere but at Lois. "Nope… nope." Clark bit his lip. "Yes."
Lois smiled, knowing once again she had won. "Go."
He dropped his head in defeat, then spun into Superman. He headed for the window, next to the newly patched hole in her wall. He stopped and looked over his shoulder at her. "I could do it if you could."
Lois looked at Clark, a mischievous smile crossed her lips. "Wanna bet?"
Clark, missing completely the cat eying the canary look in Lois' eyes, nodded confidently. "Bet."
"So, Clark, what are the stakes going to be? Clark?" But he had already left.
Lois couldn't keep the smile of triumph off her face. It was going to be so much fun winning this bet. Clark was easy. She'd be able to trick him into losing this bet within a few hours of the weekend's start. Half a day at the most.
Lois got up out of her chair and began to put away her things. She was whistling a happy tune as she did so.
Lois eyed the isolated dock with suspicion as the rickety old boat chugged it's way up to it. This didn't look like the dock of an elegant private, resort hotel. The boards creaked under her foot as she stepped off the boat she swore was actually older than it's decrepit captain. She half expected the thing to have been propelled by galley slaves.
The aged captain set Lois and Clark's bags on the dock. "Excuse me, sir." Lois asked. "Where do we check in?"
The ancient mariner waved a gnarled hand briefly toward inland. Lois frowned as he ignored her and turned his attention to lugging a couple of folding chairs onto the beach.
Lois tried to catch his attention. "The brochure mentioned a 'Welcome Hukilau'… do we wait here for the hotel jitney?"
The old man of the sea continued to ignore Lois as he handed Clark a sun umbrella. Clark sensing Lois' growing alarm felt he should say something to calm her. "Captain, I guess you're saying that we shouldn't be fooled by the casual elegance here. Big city tourists like us might even think it looks kinda rustic… or even… primitive."
"Try prehistoric," Lois added, sarcastically.
The duo stood impotently on the dock as they watched the Captain cast off, and the boat chug away. They smiled weakly at each other. Picking up their bags they headed for the beach and the waiting chairs. Hopefully someone would be along for them soon.
After unfolding her beach chair Lois turned to face Clark, adjusting her large brimmed hat as she did so. She frowned as she noticed the perplexed look on Clark's face. "What?"
Clark's look turned to a wry smile. "Oh, nothing. I was just wondering, why the 'That Girl' look?"
It was Lois' turn to be confused. "What do you mean?"
Clark reached over and let his hand flow along her long hair that flipped up at the shoulders. A look she'd never, to his knowledge, worn before. "It's just I've never seen you wear your hair like this before. You look like Marlo Thomas in that old sitcom. You remember?"
"Yeaaah." Lois' tone was guarded. "So what are you saying? You don't like it?"
Clark suddenly felt uncomfortable. "Well, it's not that I don't like it…"
Lois had to grin at Clark's discomfort. He was so cute when he was trying to spare her feelings. "Oh, don't let it worry you, Clark. I'm getting it all cut off before the next episode anyway."
Clark really looked confused. "Before the the… what?"
Lois just waved her hand at him. "Never mind. Why don't you go and see if there is any nearby indication of civilized life here."
Lois sat down heavily in her chair as Clark, shrugging, turned and headed off into the wooded area beyond the beach.
Lois sat forlornly in her beach chair while holding up her umbrella and scribbling something on a notepad when Clark reemerged from the trees. He walked up next to her, a note of triumph in his voice.
"Aha, I knew you couldn't live up to our bargain. Two hours and already you're working."
"I'm writing my will," Lois replied grumpily. "Someday when they find our bleached bones, they'll read my last wishes."
Clark smirked. "Well, I'm afraid my bones might take a while longer to bleach, but if these are my last minutes, who better to spend them with?" Clark flopped down in the reclined chair next to her. "Alone in paradise with the woman I love. It's almost biblical."
"Oh? Are you planning to turn into a pillar of salt?" Lois frowned at Clark, then her manner changed to placating. "Clark, when you went exploring, did you see any proof whatsoever that there is, in fact, a hotel?"
Clark shrugged. "No, but why wouldn't there be a hotel?"
"Well, oh, maybe no one ever built one? Maybe we're on the wrong island?" Her voice began to rise in pitch. "Maybe this is a penal colony? Or maybe no other living being has ever been here in the history of the earth!" Lois took a deep calming breath then looked over at Clark. "Why don't you take a quick buzz around and look?"
Clark affected a look of innocence. "Why would I do that? I don't buzz anywhere."
Lois' smile and tone was all mock sweetness. "Yes, but…" she made the flying motion with her hand and inaudibly mouthed 'Superman'. "…does."
"But… " Clark returned the hand gesture and also silently mouthed 'Superman'. "… isn't here."
"That's cute." Lois' anger was beginning to peak through. "That's really, really cute." Lois watched as Clark smiled and reached for his shirt buttons. Relief colored her voice. "Thanks, I knew you'd come through. A jokes a joke, but…"
Clark pulled his shirt open to reveal his tanned flesh underneath. Lois, jumping out of her chair, hovered over him. "Okay, where's the suit?"
"No suit. Left it at home." Clark yawned and stretched his arms for effect. "It's just you and me, Joe and Judy Regular." Lois stared at Clark in horror as he lazily glanced up at her. "So… Wanna neck?"
Clark pulled Lois into his lap and began to nuzzle her shoulder. Lois, at first, began to pull away in anger, then thought better of it. "What the heck," she said. "Okay." She turned her face to his.
Clark stretched lazily as he woke from his dozing. Lois was at his side in the warm sand of the beach. A sloppy smile spread across his face as he looked down on the beautiful woman lying beside him. Once again he thanked the fates that brought the two of them together.
A soft rustling in the nearby bushes caught Clark's attention. He glanced over Lois' still slumbering body to see a large Bengal tiger stealthily approaching them. Clark, not wanting to wake Lois, pulled his glasses down his nose and focused a beam of heat vision on the beach sand directly in the tiger's path. Once the tiger stepped on the heated sand, it pulled back, confused. Not willing to tempt something it didn't understand, the beast turned and fled into the trees.
Clark nodded, satisfied, and pushed his glasses back up to the bridge of his nose. Planning to lay back down next to Lois, Clark was stopped by the smell of something burning. Looking down at Lois, he realized, in alarm, that he'd accidentally set her hair of fire. Quickly using a quick blast of his super cold breath he blew out the embryonic flames before they could cause Lois injury. He grimaced at the small bald spot now revealed at the top of her head. Hopefully, she'd never notice it, especially since there were no mirrors around.
Lois stretched, catlike, as she roused herself from her nap. She glanced up at Clark. "Hi."
He returned her smile. "Hi."
Lois glanced around. "Oh god, it's not a dream, we are here." A look of puzzlement replaced her smile. "Speaking of dreams… I had the weirdest dream just before I woke up. I dreamt my head was on fire, then suddenly it was icy cold. Weird huh?" As she spoke Lois' hand slowly reached for the top of her head.
Clark quickly grabbed her hand and pulled it to his lips. "Yeah, that was weird, but now I think we need to attend to other things."
He jumped up and trotted off into the trees. Lois watched, her puzzlement switching from her dream to her partner. "What are you doing?" Annoyed, she swatted a bug on her arm as she waited for Clark to return.
Within a few minutes he came back carrying an armload of palm fronds. He dumped them and hustled back for more.
Clark dumped another armload of fronds on the beach then turned and grinned at Lois. "I'm building our hut."
"Our hut?" Lois' tone left no doubt as to her confusion.
Clark shrugged. "Well, I'm sure the hotel people will be here before night… or the boat people will realize that they took us to the wrong place. But, just in case, we'll need shelter."
Lois grimaced. "What we need is a sauna, a massage, and room service!" She walked over and stood next to him. "Look, why don't you just scoop me up in your arms and fly us off?" Lois looked off into the distance. "Maybe we're near Rio."
Clark shook his head. "No scooping, no flying."
"You've been scooping and flying on a fairly regular basis ever since I've known you, " Lois decried petulantly. "But now… now when we're surrounded by crazed insects…" She stopped to swat another offending bug. "… and murderous plants, now you figure would be a bad time?"
Clark shook his head chuckling. "You challenged me to let the world get along without me for a weekend. So far the world and I seem to be doing fine. You, on the other hand, are a wreck."
Lois' eyes narrowed in anger. "Really? A wreck? I'll show you who's the wreck."
Lois bent down, picked up several branches, and threw herself into the task. A wry smile stretched across Clark's lips as he reached down, grabbed a few more fronds, and joined his tempestuous partner.
"I just wish you didn't look like you were having so much fun!" Lois pouted.
Clark laughed. "I haven't had a vacation in years."
Lois glared at him. "Trust me, there are better ones."
Clark raised his brow. "Oh, like what?"
Lois sidled up close to Clark and put her finger on his chest. "Oh, how about you and I lying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire in some far away mountain resort?"
Clark's breath quickened. "Yeah, that would be good."
Lois began to trail little circles on Clark's exposed chest with her fingernail. "Or… we could be intimately dancing to soft music in our honeymoon suite, after having just had a sumptuous meal in the five-star restaurant, knowing that the queen-sized feather bed awaits our pleasure a little later?"
Clark could definitely feel the heat rising as Lois' finger traced circles of fire on his chest. He had to swallow twice before he could speak. "Yeah… that could be very nice too."
Lois wasn't through yet. "Or… what's that?"
Lois walked over to a spot a little farther up the beach. She peered down at the sand. "It looks almost like a section of the beach here has been fused into glass, or something." Lois straightened up and looked at Clark, her brow raised. "How could that have happened?"
Clark shrugged sheepishly. "Who knows?" Clark quickly put his arm around Lois' shoulder and steered her back to their hut in progress. "I think we'd best finish up this little project before we worry about anything else… don't you?"
Lois gave Clark a knowing smile. "Sure."
Lois and Clark stepped back and admired their handiwork. The little palm frond hut stood before them. It leaned to one side, and the breeze occasionally blew one of the fronds loose causing it to fall to the ground. Still, they felt a certain pride in their accomplishment.
"Well, it's not so bad." Clark twisted his head to get a better view.
"No, no, I think it looks pretty sturdy," Lois said as another frond fell off the roof.
Clark turned to Lois. "I guess this shows what we can do without superpowers, right?"
The duo reacted with a classic high five.
Clark nodded in mock sentimentality. "Gee, our first house."
Lois rolled her eyes at Clark as she slapped him on the shoulder. Then she squawked in surprise as he impulsively picked her up. "Hey, I thought no scooping," she said with touch of annoyance in her voice.
"This isn't scooping," Clark replied defiantly. "This is carrying. I'm carrying you over the threshold."
Lois giggled as Clark carried her into the little hut. The makeshift shelter shuddered once, swayed back and forth a couple of times like a drunken sailor on his first shore leave, then collapsed in a heap onto the hapless couple.
"Clark?" Lois said, while picking palm leaves out of her hair.
"Remind me, again, why this was a good idea?"
Lois had changed into a pair of shorts and a white top, tied in front, which revealed her bare midriff and plunged low to let Clark gaze at her ample cleavage. She may not have particularly wanted to be at this particular place, but that didn't mean she hadn't brought the tools necessary to keep Clark's interest at a high level. A gal had to know when to 'dress the part'. Besides, it was hot and it was the most comfortable outfit she'd brought.
Lois tried to navigate her way around some slippery boulders which surrounded the small, isolated pool she'd wanted to investigate. Unfortunately, the rocks were wet, and covered with slim. Her foot slipped out from under her and before she could do more than scream, she found herself butt first in the little pond.
Clark came out of the woods, a huge bunch of bananas in his hands. He'd heard Lois scream but hadn't seen her fall. "What happened?"
Lois' tone was wearily sarcastic. "I thought a swim might be nice."
Lois scooped up a handful of the water, meaning to take a drink. Clark didn't like the look of the water, not to mention that Lois was sitting in it. Quickly pulling his glasses down his nose, he scanned the liquid in Lois' hands. To his shock, the water was teeming with nasty looking bacteria. Of course, all bacteria looked nasty to him. For all he knew, what he was seeing might just be some beneficial little beasts… a cure for cancer, maybe. Still, no sense in taking any chances, he thought.
"Lois!" Clark saw Lois drop the water, obviously startled by his shout. She turned to look at him. "That water doesn't look so good," Clark said by way of explanation. "But look, there's an underground spring right over here…"
Clark wandered over to an outcropping of boulders. Lois wearily climbed out of the pond and began to follow Clark. Before Lois could get close enough to see what he was doing, Clark had slammed his fist deep into the nearest boulder and quickly pulled it back. A burbling fountain of water erupted from where he'd 'drilled' his little spring. He heard Lois coming up behind him.
"Where have you been, anyway? If I didn't know better I'd think you were sneaking off to change into Superman. But I know that couldn't be the case." She came up next to him. "Why's your arm all wet?"
Clark quickly stuck his arm behind his back, his face turning red. "Ah… I was just testing the spring for freshness." Clark grinned at Lois' raised eyebrow. "So, how come you're sure I didn't sneak off to become Superman?"
Lois answered his little boy grin, with a smug smile of her own. "Because you forgot to give me a lame excuse."
Clark rolled his eyes at her. "Well, while you were *swimming*, I went out searching for food. Boy, are we lucky. Look at all these bananas!"
Lois reached into the small fountain, took a quick drink, then splashed the cool water in her face and rubbed some on her grimy, sweaty arms. "This is great, and by the way… I hate bananas."
Clark shrugged. "Well, there's always roots and snails."
Lois glanced up at Clark from her bent over position. "And there always will be." She reached over and plucked a banana from the large bunch that Clark was holding. She appeared to study it intently. "This looks vaguely familiar." She shot Clark a wry smile. He blushed. She had chosen the largest banana of the bunch.
The two of them sat down and stared into the stream that they would have sworn wasn't there just a few minutes ago. Lois kept turning the banana over and over in her hand, a funny little smile on her face. Clark peered into the stream.
"If there's fish, I bet I could figure out a way to catch one. My Pop used to take me fishing all the time when I was a kid. I got pretty good." He smiled at Lois. "At fishing… I mean."
Lois groaned and dropped her head into her hands. "Oh God, please don't tell me this is another one of your homespun fishing stories. If it is, just tell me and I'll jump in and drown myself right now."
"Ah… no, no, of course not. So, what do you want to do, Lois?"
Lois had returned to studying the banana. She glanced up at Clark. The look in her eye unsettled him. "I can think of something." She flipped the banana over her shoulder. "C'mere."
Night had finally fallen and Lois and Clark found themselves still stranded on the beach of the 'isolated island paradise'. Both had changed into clean clothes and Clark was busy trying to start a fire. He wasn't having much luck when Lois came up and started watching him, a wry grin on her face.
"I guess you never learned how to do this?"
Clark rolled his eyes at her. "Think about it, Lois. Why would I have to learn how to do this?"
Lois sat down next to him. "Well it just so happens that I was a girl scout." She picked up the two sticks that he'd been using and tossed them aside. "And our girl scout motto was… be prepared."
Lois pulled out a match and struck it on the side of a nearby rock. It flamed to life and she quickly applied that flame to the small pile of dried leaves and twigs that Clark had gathered. With a little help from Lois' talented lips, the tiny pile was soon burning brightly. She added a few larger twigs and sticks, which assured that the fire would take and they'd be able to, with judicious feeding, keep it going for quite some time.
She leaned back against him as they watched the glow of the growing campfire. "I guess by now you'd pretty much concede we're on the wrong island."
Clark ran his hand through his hair. "Well… yeah." He glanced up at her smiling face. "Do you wanna leave?"
Lois threw another stick of wood on her fire. "I suppose… I could stick it out…for one night." Lois looked coyly at Clark. "That is, if you can provide me with some incentive to stay."
Clark frowned pretending to think hard on the matter. Lois rolled her eyes and swatted him on the shoulder. She turned her attention back to the fire. "Too bad we don't have any hot dogs on sticks"
Clark reached behind him. "We have the next best thing."
He pulled a banana from the large bunch still sitting next to them. He jammed it on the end of a stick lying next to them and held it over the fire. "Banana on a stick!"
Lois shook her head. "I hope you don't expect me to eat any of those? I told you I hate bananas. What makes you think that burnt ones would be more palatable?"
Clark shrugged. "I don't know, I just thought it would be funny. I was just trying to make a joke, Lois."
The fire was still roaring merrily and Lois was snuggled in Clark's arms as the two partners watched the mesmerizing flames. Some of their clothes were rolled up, acting as pillows, as they prepared themselves to spend the night under the stars.
Lois sighed. "You know I dreamed of this? Of spending the night in your arms." Lois tilted her head back so she could smile up at him. "I mean, first it was Superman I dreamed of. But then… it was Clark."
"Well, I'd be in your arms." He pulled her closer. "Then we'd kiss." He leaned down and kissed her. She sighed.
"And then what happened, Lois?"
Lois gave Clark a look of surprise. "What do you think happened? We had sex. Wild, passionate, uninhibited, raw, unbridled, animal sex." Lois giggled as Clark's breath quickened. "Then, after ravishing me five or six times," she became suddenly shy. "Then I asked you how you felt about me."
Clark furrowed his brow. "I don't know how I feel about you?"
Lois pulled back and stared at him. "You don't? I thought you told me you loved me from the first moment you saw me? You're not having second thoughts now are you? Because if you are, then maybe we shouldn't be…"
Clark took a deep breath before he continued. "There's no one way I feel. I feel so many things, and all at once. Happy, but kinda scared… Excited… calm. Lost… found. Safe in a way I've never known… but in danger, too. This thing with us, whatever it is… is stronger than me. Being with you is stronger than me alone. That's new for me."
Clark's eyes darkened with passion. "Yes?"
Lois was biting her lip to keep from laughing. "That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It made no sense."
Clark frowned at Lois' mirth. "Lois, I'm pouring my heart out here."
Lois held her hand over her mouth until she could get herself under control. "I know, and I'm sorry, Clark." A small giggle escaped from her lips. "Look, we both know that you're not the brightest bulb on the marquee, but jeez, you are a writer. Couldn't you have, at least, come up with something a little more… coherent?" Lois could see the hurt look on Clark's face. "Look, I'm not saying it wasn't… sweet. It was just… stupid."
Clark's lips twitched into a devilish grin. "Maybe this would say it better?"
He reached out and crushed her to his chest. He began to plant little wet kisses along her shoulder and neck, working his way up her jaw line till he reached her ears.
Lois nodded between moans. "Yeah, I think this says it much better."
Unfortunately, the lovers were too soon interrupted by a small cadre of men bearing large automatic rifles. Lois turned her head to peer over her shoulder at the men and sighed at the timing of their interference.
"You guys wouldn't happen to be related to a fellow named Jimmy Olsen, would you?"
Lois and Clark soon found themselves in some sort of dungeon. Not exactly the five-star accommodations they'd been expecting. They were each chained to ancient-looking stone walls of adjoining cells. The whole place had the appearance of something out of some medieval nightmare. The stone walls looked like they'd been there for centuries, the only nod to more modern times were the formidable iron bars which acted as the front of their cells, and the wall between them.
Mindful of the guard just on the other side of the door, the two spoke in hushed tones. "Tell you what. I'll forego the bet. Anytime you want to change into…" Lois silently mouthed the name 'Superman'. "…would be fine with me."
"Look," Clark whispered, just slightly exasperated. "I have to pick my moments for changing into…" he too silently mouthed the word 'Superman'.
Lois' tone became more agitated. "This one! This moment! Pick this one!"
Clark frowned at his headstrong partner. "Maybe we're being watched. I don't have the suit. Maybe we'd bust out of here and never find out what's behind all this…"
Lois interrupted, clearly frustrated. "What, do you have rules for everything?"
They both begin to speak at the same time.
"It's good to know, because I'd really have to think twice…"
"Being impulsive can get you into even more trouble…"
"… about marrying that kind of…"
"… as I'd think, you of all people…"
"… compulsive personality."
"… surely would have learned by now."
Suddenly they were interrupted by a voice coming from the outside. "Hey, pipe down!"
Lois and Clark both looked up as two of the goons who took them from their campfire retreat earlier entered the room of cells. One of them came over and opened Lois' cell. He freed her hands and led her out into the area in front of the cells.
"Your host requests the honor of your company, upstairs."
Worried, Clark surreptitiously snapped the manacles on his wrists but didn't lower his hands just yet. He stared intently at the lock on the cell door and was rewarded by a puff of white smoke within the lock.
Lois struggled briefly with her captor. "I'm gonna have to pass. I didn't pack party clothes."
He gave her an evil grin. "Spencer Spencer says its come- as-you-are."
Lois and Clark both react to hearing the familiar name. Clark, beginning to panic whipped his hands out of the manacles and rushed toward the front of his cell. The goon, spotting him, pulled a hypodermic out of his pocket.
"Hold it, Houdini," he said, plunging the hypo into Lois' shapely thigh. She exclaimed in annoyed pain. "I don't know how you got outta those chains, but this toxin just takes seconds to kill. The antidote's upstairs. You so much as blink, and she won't get it, and you can say goodbye to your babe."
"Don't call me babe," Lois managed before she slumped over.
The goon hefted Lois over his shoulder then turned to his partner. "He even breathes wrong, push the alarm, and this one's dead."
Lois was barely aware of the prick of another needle as she slowly came back to consciousness. She groaned once as her eyes slowly adjusted to the light of the room. She briefly focused on the goon, with hypodermic still in his hand, who had brought her from her cell. A thought of Clark quickly passed through her mind.
As the fog cleared from her brain she was able to take in her surroundings. She was tied tightly to a chair and to her complete surprise she was encircled by a ring of crossbows on stands, all loaded with lethal looking bolts. Turning her head slightly she came upon a truly unusual sight.
A man, or at least the head of a man, stuck out from an ornate wheeled box. There were a couple of levers on either side of the man's head. He gave her an evil grin.
"Hiya, Toots. I'm Spencer Spencer. Welcome to my windowless lair."
"You're Spencer Spencer?" Lois was clearly taken aback by the bizarre apparition in front of her. "I pictured you… taller."
"You know, you're lovely when you're revolted," he replied sarcastically.
"I don't know what this is all about, but you might as well let me go." Lois voice held more bravado than she was actually feeling. Loaded crossbows aimed at you tended to erode that sort of thing. "Superman'll be here any minute."
Spencer Spencer leered at her. "Well, that'd just be hunky-dory with me."
Lois frowned. "I don't understand."
Spencer went on as if she hadn't spoken. "You know, I was gonna kill you for all that crap you wrote about me. But I thought you might prefer an exciting career opportunity."
Lois was wary. "What do you mean?"
Spencer Spencer grinned. "You can be my sex slave."
Spencer raised his brow. "Okay, if you say so."
Clark had been trying to figure a way out of his dilemma. The guard was standing, somewhat bored, against the far wall, his hand never strayed far from the alarm button. Clark had found out almost immediately that the dungeon was lined with lead. He paced back and forth worried about what Spencer Spencer wanted with Lois. Considering what she had written about him, it couldn't be good. Suddenly he heard Lois scream.
He was out of the cell in a flash. The door of steel bars was torn from its hinges and the guard was tossed aside as a mere afterthought. In a panic Clark sped up the stairs to the upper floor.
He burst through a solid wooden door to be confronted by a vision out of his worst nightmare. "Lois!"
She looked like a human pin cushion. Several crossbow bolts were sticking out of her body at all angles. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he knelt by the gruesome form of his beloved partner. He turned a venomous glance toward the bizarrely boxed man, whistling, over in the corner.
"You!" Clark surged savagely toward Spencer. "You did this! You killed her!"
Spencer rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. "Well, duh!"
Clark reached for the elaborate wheeled box, not really knowing what he was going to do with it, when he was distracted by a soft moan.
"Clark, not dead… yet." Lois' voice was a mere whisper.
Clark rushed back to her side. "Oh, Lois, I thought he'd killed you. Don't worry, I'll get you to medical attention in a jiffy."
"A jiffy?" Lois shook off Clark's concern for she knew she was a goner. "No, Clark, you must leave… now." She had to pause to catch her wheezing breath before she could continue. "Spencer Spencer wants Superman for something. That must mean that he has…"
"Kryptonite?" Spencer smiled as he spoke the dreaded word. "But of course."
He'd been so worried about Lois that Clark hadn't registered the effects of the dreaded crystal. Now that it had been mentioned he began to feel the nausea and headache. His stomach knotted and the horrible pain slowly built as he fell to his knees.
Spencer Spencer had a puzzled look on his face. "Now that's an interesting development." Spencer Spencer surveyed the scene of carnage. Lois had slumped back, only being held up by the ropes which tied her to the chair, and Clark lay writhing on the floor. "Pescado!"
Perry White sat at his desk and ran his hand through his hair again as he stared at the mock-up for the front page of tomorrow's Daily Planet. He sighed. It had been a slow news day and with his two best reporters on vacation, in a tropical paradise, there just didn't seem to be a true page one story to put there. His fretting was soon interrupted by a disturbance behind him.
"I think you'll want to hold that front page for a *real* story."
Perry spun around in his chair and stared at the stranger who stood just outside his office window. The fellow had a good muscular build and was wearing a suit just like Superman's. He grinned as he saw the confusion of Perry's face.
"I can see the headline now," the fellow continued. "There's a new Superman in town. From now on, things will be different." The stranger turned to leave, but then stopped and faced Perry White again. "Oh, and Lane and Kent? I wouldn't expect them back anytime soon."
"What's happened?" Perry asked, alarmed. "Where are they?"
SuperSpencer just grinned. "Let's just say that they've recently become really close."
Perry stared, aghast, as the newly, self-proclaimed, SuperSpencer sped away. He had no idea what it all meant, but he was sure it would be no good… no good at all.
"This is all your fault you know!" Lois' voice was more than angry.
"My fault! How is it my fault?" Clark responded in kind.
"Well, if you hadn't insisted that we come here, none of this would have happened." Her voice rose in volume as her agitation level increased.
"I'm not the one who made the bet," Clark fired back.
"What does that have to do with anything? Besides, I'm not the one who let that weird doctor excise his head and allow Spencer Spencer to steal his body."
"Oh, and you handled it so well when you told Spencer Spencer to kill you?"
"Will you two shut up!" The fighting partners were momentarily silenced when one of Spencer's goon's came into the room. "I thought you two were supposed to be lovers or something. I can't believe you aren't grateful for the gift that Mr. Spencer gave you?"
The goon walked over and slapped the side of the gilded, motorized box that was once the prison for his boss. It still housed the twisted, mis-shapened body of Spencer Spencer, only now it sported two heads instead of one.
The henchman grinned evilly. "After all, now you two can be together… forever." His laughter rang throughout the room as he turned to go.
The partners were silent for several moments as both watched the doorway that Spencer's man had just left through. Then Lois' head turned toward Clark's.
"This is still all your fault."