By Richard Frantz Jr. <72570.2264@Compuserve.com>
Rated: G
Submitted: March 2003
Summary: A humorous vignette about Lois, Jimmy and Superman as contestants on the TV show Junkyard Wars.
Background:
Back in December of 2001, on Zoomway's board, we were doing crossovers we never expected to see. I posted one about Lois, Jimmy and Superman as contestants on the TV show Junkyard Wars. Recently I found my copy and I like it so much I submitted it to the archives.
Disclaimer: Clark Kent, etc, are not my property and are used solely for noncommercial purposes. Characters and names are copyrighted by DC Comics, December 3rd Production and Warner Brothers.
Cathy mentioned below is Cathy Rogers.
Junkyard Wars copyright held by RDF Media.
***
Crossovers you never expected to see: LNC and Junkyard Wars
[Someone did LNC/Iron Chef, so here is a crossover with Junkyard Wars where they give the two teams of three an expert, the contents of a junkyard, a quad-cycle (a sort of all terrain vehicle with trailer) and only 10 hours to build a machine to be used the next day. Machines have included submarines, gliders, off-road vehicles and tractor-pullers. All built from junk.]
***
Announcer: "Today's red team is three rocket scientists from NASA, with eighteen PHDs between them, and their expert J. Kelly of the Skunkworks. Opposing them will be the Super-Reporters from The Daily Planet: Photographer and computer expert, Jimmy Olsen. Intrepid reporter and risk junky, Lois Lane. And putting the super in the Super- Reporters — Superman. Their expert is Bernard Klein of Star Labs."
"Today's challenge is to build a vehicle able to traverse our rough and rutted track. Durability and ground clearance will be paramount. To your work shops!"
Teams enter the work area and the judge is introduced.
Judge (an expert in the field): "The red team has chosen a simple and sturdy vehicle with large tires and a big engine, mounted on an old car frame. The Super-Reporters, however, have chosen a very complicated vehicle that seems to have two helicopter rotors, a jet engine, gyroscope, computer and an old eggbeater. I don't know how they can possibly finish in the time limit of ten hours."
Klein: "…so that is the plan."
Jimmy: "It's kind of complicated…"
Superman: "Now, now, Jimmy. Dr. Klein is a Doctor."
Lois, wearing a carpenter's tool-belt, reaches into it and removes…a nail file.
Superman: "Lois and I will scavenge the junkyard for the parts."
Lois ignores the comment and begins filing her nails.
Superman races into the junkyard, without quadcycle, and there is a horrible cacophony as he drops materials in the build area.
Judge: "The Super-Reporters have gathered an impressive array of materials. The Red team has only gathered two eggbeaters but they are crucial to the Reporters' design and the only ones in the junkyard."
Klein: "Superman, we have a problem. The other team has all the eggbeaters."
Superman: "Not a problem, we can trade a spare engine to them."
Jimmy: "How do you know they'll trade?"
Superman:"Because there are only seven working engines in the yard and I have eight of them."
Klein: "If there are only -"
Cathy, producer, creator and host of the show, she's pretty and has short spiky blond hair and an engineering degree, comes over: "We explained this in the rules but let me iterate: NO SCAVENGING THE QUADCYCLES. That includes the opposing team's Quadcycle!"
Superman, defensively: "But we weren't planning on using the parts…"
Cathy: "We don't care; they're rented, no scavenging the quadcycles!"
Superman: "I'll put the engine back…and try to trade for an egg beater."
He dashes off. Lois begins painting her nails.
Judge: "The Reporters now have all their parts, and the red team has an engine…"
Jimmy: "Hold the engine in place while I finish attaching the ignition wire, then we'll weld it into the frame and you can put the body down…"
Superman: "I can see where the welds go while holding. I've got them…"
Lois applies mascara.
Klein: "Balance the fuel inductors to the jet engine and gently adjust the pitch of the eggbeater…"
Announcer: "You have nine hours and forty minutes of your ten hours remaining."
Klein: "…and we're done!"
Lois applies lipstick and then beckons Superman over.
Jimmy: "Hey, Lois, Superman, shouldn't we start the engine and test it?"
Lois and Superman are busy kissing. Superman, irritated, tells Jimmy to test it himself. Jimmy starts the machine, which works perfectly. Unfortunately he has it in gear when he starts it and it blasts off on a column of flame, knocking over the wall dividing the build areas, the junkyard timer, the hosts and the opposing team. He's completely uninjured (due to the safety devices Doctor Klein designed into the machine) and has just broken the world land speed record. Tomorrow they'll race for real, if the opposing team recovers…
THE END