By JenD <email@example.com>
Submitted: November, 2003
Summary: How to kidnap Lois Lane and be defeated by Superman … the badfic way.
Rule #1 in fandom: Never mention you're writing.
Rule #2 in fandom: Never mention you are bored because you will be encouraged to write.
I fell victim to Rule #2 around midnight, but when I got inspired to write a badfic, I just couldn't resist. The full title is "Evil Villain Plan #21 Out of The Official Evil Villain's Handbook," but obviously it's entirely too long for a title. However, it totally cracked me up around 1:30am when I came up with it, so I had to throw it into what I like to call The-Disclaimer-For-My-Brain notes. Honestly, I don't know where I came up with this idea. I'm not even doped up on medication this time. Nonetheless, I've written. So I must share it. Read on, and feel free to throw various pieces of fruit at your screen if you so choose to. Thanks for proof reading, Rivka!
Clark Kent surreptitiously looked around outside the alleyway and spun back into his work clothes. He was feeling very fortunate that he had been able to use his powers for good and not evil to save the 747 from crashing into Space Mountain in Orlando. However, it was very eerie trip back to Metropolis. The whole time he was in flight, he felt like he was being watched. Even now, as he briskly strode out of the alleyway, he had a sense of uneasiness. Clark Kent was not usually one to feel uneasy.
Five thousand feet into the air, a neutrally-dressed superhero flew as quietly as possible, trying not to attract attention. He was trying his best to tail the imposter, so he had to stay close, lest the space-invader evade him. How dare he think he could get away with this? There wasn't enough room in this town for the both of them, and he, Super Human Christmas Tree Lights Man, was not about to step aside. As he hovered out of view while Superman changed back into this Clark Kent fellow, he realized he would have to take action. It was time to find Lois Lane and kidnap her.
The elevator dinged, and Clark hurried into the newsroom. It was obvious that he was late for work again, and Perry White would not be thrilled. He hadn't been sitting at his desk for more than five seconds when the Chief's voice boomed into the newsroom. "Kent! In here, pronto!"
Clark walked into Perry's office and shut the door behind him. "Look, chief, I know I was late for work again-"
"And you better have a darn good excuse, boy! That's the third time this week! I had to send Lois on an interview by herself! And you know how scary she can be to people!"
Clark started fiddling with his tie. "Well, the thing is, I had to…run my neighbor's ficus to the Plant & Animal Wing of the Emergency Room this morning! I was supposed to be watching it for her while she's out of town, but when I woke up this morning, it was under attack! It took everything I had in me to beat away those locusts, but it was bad, Chief. Really bad. It's still over in ICU right now, and I'm really worried."
"Well, son, I'm sorry to have to come down so hard on you this week. Yes, you've been late, but you've had a reasonable excuse for every time, so who am I to punish you? Fortunately, you're not that late today; I just sent Lois off to interview the congressman about twenty minutes ago, so I'm sure you'll be able to catch up to her. They're at Caf‚ 615."
"I'm on it, Chief."
When Clark reached Caf‚ 615, though, he did not see Lois or anyone that who looked like a congressman. Completely worried for her safety and realizing that she had probably been kidnapped by an evil villain, he found the nearest alleyway, and as Superman, took off into the sky. Scanning several buildings, he finally saw Lois tied up on the roof and a man…covered in Christmas tree lights? It couldn't be. As Superman floated towards them, he indeed discovered his eyes spoke no lie. He landed on the roof beside Super Human Christmas Tree Lights Man.
"You might as well give up, evil villain," Superman ordered in his super voice. "You'll never get away with this!"
"That's what you think, Superman!" Super Human Christmas Tree Lights Man exclaimed. He turned on his Christmas tree lights which, oddly, glowed green. "These lights are powered with Kryptonite! Enjoy your time on this roof, for you won't last long!"
Superman writhed on the ground in pain. However, during the Official Superhero Argument, neither one noticed that Lois Lane had managed to untie herself with her toes and run over to the power outlet that was naturally there for Super Human Christmas Tree Lights Man to plug his weapon into.
"No, Super Human Christmas Tree Lights Man, I think *you're* done for!" Lois said triumphantly. She unplugged the Kryptonite lights, and Superman recovered immediately. He jumped to his feet and seized the evil villain.
"You're going to have a long time in prison to think about what you've done," Superman reprimanded the evil-doer. They flew off together, leaving Lois Lane on the roof, where she would spontaneously appear at the Daily Planet mere seconds later with the story miraculously written and clutched in her hands that still bore the rope-chafe marks.