By Emily M. Hanson firstname.lastname@example.org
Submitted: February 2002
Summary: Set in the present, Lois and Clark's infant son is kidnapped by — you guessed it — redneck Kryptonians!
Disclaimer: This story started as an idea from a message thread on the Lois & Clark message board about Country & Western song titles. One of them was "Redneck Martians Stole My Baby." I am not a country fan, so I have no idea who sings this, nor do I know the words. This is not a song fic. I do not own the characters from Lois & Clark.
Lois and Clark were out on the town on a perfectly normal night. They were going to see Lord of the Rings, which Clark had to convince Lois to see. She was more than skeptical about seeing a movie with elves, dwarves, and "short guys running around barefoot," as she put it. But he figured it would be worth it. They were standing in line at the ticket counter when his cell phone rang.
Clark answered it. "Hello?"
Their babysitter was frantic. It took him a few minutes to calm the teenaged girl down, as Lois kept asking what was wrong. Finally, he managed to get the information.
"I…I'm so sorry, it happened so suddenly. Mr. Kent, your baby was kidnapped."
He fought off the urge to panic. "By whom?"
"You're going to think I'm crazy," the girl said between sniffles.
"No, I won't. Go on."
"Okay. It was aliens. They looked like humans, but they were wearing these outfits, and they all had symbols on them. One of the symbols was an S, like on Superman's costume. They spoke English, but they sounded like…well, kind of like hicks."
"Clark, will you please tell me what is going on?" Lois demanded.
He cupped the phone with his hand. "Our baby's been kidnapped. I'm trying to talk to the babysitter."
"Is she all right?"
"I don't know." He took his hand away from the phone. "Are you all right, Jenny? What did the kidnappers say? Did they make any ransom demands?"
"They said, and I swear I'm not making this up, 'We're-a takin' junior with us back to New Krypton. His ma and pa better not follow us, or there's-a gonna be more trouble than you kin shake a stick at.' New Krypton? Why would Superman's people want to kidnap a human baby?"
"I have no idea," Clark replied, "but I'm going to get in touch with Superman. Maybe he can help us. We'll be home as soon as we can. Have you called the police yet?"
"Okay. Call Inspector Henderson at this number. He knows us." Clark gave her the number, then said goodbye and hung up.
"So, let me get this straight," Lois remarked. "Our baby was kidnapped by redneck Kryptonians?"
He shrugged. "Stranger things have happened, honey. Let's get home and make sure Jenny's all right. I guess we'll have to take a rain check on this movie."
"Fine by me. Watching little guys run around on a suicidal mission doesn't sound like very much fun."
"They're not all little people. You'd like Aragorn."
"Well, I don't want to give too much away, but he's the descendant of the last king," Clark explained as Lois pulled out of the parking lot.
Jenny jumped in surprise as she heard the sound of a key being turned in the lock. She realized with relief that it was Lois and Clark.
"Are you all right?" he asked with concern.
"I'm fine, but the baby…" she let the unspoken thought trail off. "I'm so sorry!"
"Jenny, it's not your fault. Everything will be all right," Lois said as Clark used his X-ray vision to search for clues.
He went into the bedroom and picked up something. "It's a note."
"What does it say?" Lois asked.
"To Junior's ma and pa: We're taking your baby back to New Krypton, where he belongs. After we refuel, that is."
"Refuel?" Lois remarked. "Clark, you'd better contact Superman. He might know what kind of fuel they need."
"Probably rocket fuel," Jenny answered and then blushed. "I mean, assuming the kidnappers are really Kryptonians and have a UFO."
"I remember Superman telling me once that Kryptonian spaceships can use regular fuel. They just have to convert it into what they need." His ears suddenly picked up a cry for help. "Speaking of Superman, I'd better try to find him."
Lois nodded in realization. "Go ahead. I'll stay here with Jenny and wait for the police."
He rushed off, glad that she was there to cover for him.
At the gas station, the attendants and cashier shrank back as three gangly men wearing black and silver suits grabbed several containers of milk and juice from the beverage aisle, as well as several packages of beef jerky. Their spaceship took up the whole parking lot and part of the highway beyond, causing lots of traffic problems. Nearby, a baby cried. The sound of Superman's boots hitting the pavement startled the Kryptonian who was at the gas pump. He turned around.
"Kal-El! I was wonderin' if you'd show yer ugly face. Why don't you just git on home? There ain't nothin' ya kin do. Yer kid will be happier than a drunk doggie on New Krypton."
"What makes you think my son will be happier on New Krypton than Earth? And why are you talking so strangely?" Superman asked.
"How do ya mean?" asked the bewildered Kryptonian. "We bin watchin' that there TV to learn English. It ain't easy ta learn an alien language, ya know. That there Elly May Clampett is shore a pretty thang. But I think ya better git movin'."
"I'm not leaving without my son."
"All right, ya asked fer it."
The Kryptonian aimed his heat vision at Clark, who ducked. The ray hit the gas pump, melting the plastic and setting off sparks. Superman froze it with his breath before a fire could start. Then he rushed into the UFO and found his son in the back of the ship, gurgling happily. A glowing green meteorite had somehow had found its way inside. Taking the Kryptonite and the baby, Clark rushed out.
"Where do you think you're going? It is not logical for you to leave," one of the other Kryptonians said. He raised an eyebrow as he blocked Superman's path.
"I'm going home, which is what I advise you and your friends to do."
"It would not be logical for us to leave without your child. We came all this way for him."
"He will not be exposed to any part of his Kryptonian heritage here on Earth, except that small part which you already know. Therefore, it would be logical to take him back to New Krypton. When he is of age, he can decide where he wants to live."
Clark suddenly realized what was going on. If the other Kryptonians had watched the Beverly Hillbillies, this one must have seen Star Trek. He sounded very much like the Vulcan, and Spock could be reasoned with. "Surely there must be a way for my son to remain. Don't you have any information on Krypton stored in the computer?"
"There are some data crystals, but there is no way to use them anywhere other than this ship or a Kryptonian data device."
"Do you have a spare Kryptonian data device?"
The logical Kryptonian's eyebrow shot up in surprise. "Possibly. Will you remain here while I search?"
"As long as I don't have to fight off your friends."
A few orders were given. Then the Kryptonian went inside the UFO. Clark looked down at his baby, feeling relieved that everything would be fine. A few minutes later the other Kryptonian returned with a device resembling the globe, only much larger. "If you insert the data crystal, the recorded information will play. This device is virtually indestructible and should last for many human lifetimes. It can be used more than once, and humans can also use it."
"Thank you," Clark said, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the gift.
"We must go."
"Wait. You should pay for the things you took."
"It is customary."
"Oh." Reaching into his pocket, the logical Kryptonian produced a glittering gem. Scanning it with his X-ray vision, Clark realized was a diamond of much higher quality than most diamonds on Earth. "I hope this will be enough for a trade. We do not have any local currency."
The gas station owner's eyes widened. "Yeah, that's fine. Right, Superman? I have kids, and I want them to go to college someday. The other guys who work here could use a raise. We'll give some of it to charity, of course."
"All right," said Clark. "You can keep it. But don't get greedy."
"Sure. Is, uh, is that really your kid? He looks a lot like mine did at that age. My wife would say he's cute, I guess."
"Thanks. I have to go."
Superman flew off and the Kryptonians returned to their space ship. The gas station owner gasped as the UFO hovered for a moment, then ascended into the sky until it couldn't be discerned from the stars.
Inspector Henderson was interrogating Jenny and Lois when Clark got back. He stopped in mid-sentence.
"Superman!" the teenager exclaimed. "Wow. You found the baby! Is Clark all right?"
"Yes. The kidnappers have left Earth. Everything is fine."
"Left Earth? You mean they really were aliens?" Henderson asked in astonishment.
"They were from New Krypton," Superman replied. "They had good but misguided intentions. They won't be coming back."
"Then this case is closed. Thanks, Superman." The inspector put his notepad and pen in his pocket before leaving.
"I guess I should be going home too," Jenny said. "I'm sorry. If you guys don't want to pay me, I'll understand."
"What? Now just a minute," Lois said. "Of course, we're going to pay you. It wasn't your fault. Let's see, it's almost nine thirty, and you've been here since six thirty."
Clark reached into his pocket, took out his wallet and handed over some cash. "That includes hazard pay, which I think you've more than earned."
"Thanks, Mr. Kent."
After Jenny had left, Lois and Clark sat on the couch with the baby between them. "What did the New Kryptonians say?" she asked.
"They were concerned that our child wouldn't get to learn about being Kryptonian on Earth. They gave me this." Clark pointed to the globe, which he had set on the floor.
"It looks like the one Lex Luthor had, from the way you described it."
He nodded. "When junior's old enough, he can watch Kryptonian history unfold in front of his eyes. Unlike my globe, it can be replayed, and non-Kryptonians can also see it."
"Maybe we should test it," Lois suggested.
"That's not a bad idea." Clark picked up the globe and inserted a data crystal into it. Both he and his wife watched the scene unfold. The baby made babbling sounds and raised an arm, as if pointing to it.
"This is much better than any movie," she remarked.
"Oh, you think so?" he replied.
As they snuggled in each others' arms, the night went on. Neither of them noticed a particularly bright star, but Clark thought he could hear the faint strains of a fiddle and a guitar being played for all they were worth, and laughter in the background.