If Only I…

By Cristina <crisdccks@hotmail.com)>

Rated: G

Submitted: August 2002

Summary: In her grief over Clark's "death," Lois has a dialogue with herself and decides to finally confront her inner feelings, and Clark, wherever he may be…

This story was "born" late one night in June, as I was half way through my final exams. One night after putting my books finally aside I started reflecting about how my life has changed this last year, how some people I expected to stick around haven't and such, and I could see a way to express it all through Lois (short of). This seemed like the perfect setting for it.

I have to thank Tricia for editing this story and and advising me to post it on the boards, which was really nice because all the folcs there were very encouraging. Their comments and suggestions have made me start writing a sequel I didn't have in mind (look for it later this yearas " I know I should have…).

Thanks also to Mela for GEing!

As this is my first story here, all comments, good or bad, ar more than welcome at the address above. Finally, let me remind I don't own the characters. They are property of DC Comics and December 3rd productions and the only benefit I obtain is the wonderful feedback from folcs ;)


If one saw her walking along the otherwise empty streets, he or she wouldn't be able to tell how much of the dampness of her face and clothes was due to the intensely falling rain and how much to her uncontrollable cries.

Her slow pace and her lost gaze hinted that her mind was nowhere around. But even though it seemed as if she were heading to no particular direction, her footsteps where leading her to the one place where she ought to be; HIS PLACE.

She didn't feel like she could overcome all the emotions and the feeling of loss and emptiness that washed over her. But there was one thing she was certain of: pointless as it may seem, she had to let him know what he meant to her.

<<God, what am I doing? All my life I've put down those people who never realized what they had until it was gone. I've hated the bitterness and guilt that was thought to have made them behave that way. But I never thought I'd have something like that to lose…

Ohhh, stop the whining, Lois! You never had him to lose. You could have, but you dismissed him. That's right, thanks to your selfishness you allowed the best thing that has ever happened to you to just slip away without knowing…without showing…without feeling… Hell, even with this overprotective attitude of yours you haven't been able to avoid the hurt. What's more, this attitude has caused the hurt. There's no one to blame for your loneliness but you. And now you find yourself in a situation you swore you'd never be in…>>

<< But I need to let it out!! He won't hear me, but I need to believe that he somehow can…>> As she looked up, she realized she'd gone past his address. In fact, she'd left it four blocks behind. Turning around, she picked up her pace and moved toward his apartment with a faint air of determination. As she climbed the steps, she instinctively reached for the knob, turning it as she'd done so many times over the past year, just before storming inside and blurting out one of her Lane speeches or simply babbling about anything. Or all those times when she had turned to him, relied on him…

It was only once she was inside that she noticed that the door had been unlocked. Under different circumstances, her reporter instincts would have led her to searching every corner of the dim apartment. But now, all she seemed able to do was stare at the familiar surroundings as she tried to hold back the tears.

Despite the darkness, her gaze soon fell on one of the framed pictures Clark had, one she knew too well. She knew she'd been hard on him the days before it was taken, but she had had to admit that being his date to the Kerths had turned out to be rather pleasant. She wasn't too sure she'd even let him know that. Oddly enough, she'd found out that she didn't mind someone else getting the limelight every once in a while, as long as HE was that someone. She'd learnt to enjoy his happiness, and he'd sacrificed it for her!

She grabbed the picture and suddenly felt as if the whole room was spinning. Slowly, she approached the couch and sat down. << Okay, this is something that has to be done. Actually, it's something I should have done already… All right, here I go…>>

"Clark, I know you probably can't hear me and even if you could I'm not too sure you'd want to listen, but I need to tell you this, even if it's too late.

You can't imagine how I wish I'd said all this before, but you know me and my Mad Dog Lane attitude, and how I could never face the fact that I cared for someone, that someone had actually been able to break through my defenses.

All my life I've felt that truth wasn't part of human behavior. I've come across people who have proved that right, who've taught me that trust is just a meaningless five-letter word, too easy to betray compared to what it takes to build it up. But then, this Farmboy from Kansas comes into my life and tries to show me, not with his words, but with his life, that not everybody believes old fashioned virtues to be just that, old fashioned; that truth and honesty do carry a meaning for some people. And he… and YOU gave me your trust and never gave up on me, even when I kept shutting you out. You were determined to become my friend and, who knows, maybe more, but I kept pushing you away. However did you put up with me?

I just wanted to tell you that I trust… trusted you, more than I have anyone in my whole life. You've been my partner, my friend, and, if I hadn't fought it so long, you would have probably been much more.

Oh, Clark, I hate myself! I hate myself for not telling you all this, for being so awfully selfish…I hate myself for not being the one dead! They took your life… you gave it away… for me! I never even told you; you were the best friend I ever had, the only true friend I've had. And I didn't even give you the chance to hear this. I love you, Clark Kent. Not as a brother, I swear, but as my partner, my friend and my soul… And I've been fool enough to not figure it out until you've been gone… How can I ever go on without you?

Please, forgive me, because I know I won't be able to forgive myself".

Drained, she laid on the couch with tears still rolling down her cheeks. Meanwhile, not too far away, watching from the shadows of the bedroom, a tall square-jawed figure stood with his eyes filled with tears. It was tearing him apart to feel her suffer so much.

He moved quietly towards where she lay, and slowly knelt down beside her as he whispered in her ear, "There's nothing to forgive".

Shocked at first and with her face still wet, she turned to look at… her partner? <<You're dreaming, Lois>>.

"Clark, if this is a dream, I don't want to know". And with that, she embraced him with all the strength that remained in her fragile body.

As he held her, as tight as he could, he promised himself that she would get her overdue explanation. That moment would remain as the one that meant the end of the secrets between them. He knew it wouldn't be easy, but he owed it to her. All he could do was hope for her understanding.