By Carol M <firstname.lastname@example.org
Submitted: March 2001
Summary: There really should be a kidnapper's handbook. And it really should say, "Never kidnap Lois Lane." An amusing tale about a dumb kidnapper who never read the book and a feisty reporter who's about to make him sorry for the oversight.
Okay, so I was bored one day while working on reading John Locke for my American Civilizations class. This is just something I wrote to relieve the boredom.
Anyway, the characters are not mine. Well, most of them aren't anyway. They belong to people with a LOT more money than me! I just wanted to have some fun!
Lois took a deep breath and jumped off the building. She really didn't want to, but there was no choice. It was either jump or be pushed and she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
He wasn't a very good kidnapper really and Lois had been kidnapped by the best so she knew what she was talking about. He had tied her clumsily and she had easily escaped. He hadn't put tape over her mouth so that she couldn't scream. He was smart enough to bring Kryptonite along, but dumb enough to tell her about it early enough that she wouldn't call Superman. And then when he had taken her to the top of the building to make her call him he had left it downstairs, in a lead-lined room.
This guy needed help.
Lois had started in on him right away. She wouldn't stop talking. She ripped up every one of his kidnapping methods, telling him exactly what she thought of him and how horrible he was being. Finally, he had enough and told her to jump off the building. She looked down, not really wanting to do it. He came closer and closer, waving a gun at her, threatening her continually.
So she jumped.
Three feet onto the next building.
Telling the kidnapper the whole time what a moron he was and how Superman was going to make him pay.
That was when he remembered the Kryptonite. She hadn't brought that little mistake to his attention. But what could he do now? She was on the other roof and the Kryptonite was 15 stories below in an old bomb shelter. If he left to get it, she would disappear. If he didn't and Superman showed up… well, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
He jumped down and landed next to her. He pointed the gun at her and tried to find a way to get her back onto the other roof. Big mistake.
Lois used one of her patented karate kicks on him. The gun went flying and Lois wriggled out of the ropes that had loosely held her. She picked up the weapon and held it on him. And she called for Superman.
In seconds, he was there. He tied up the kidnapper and soon he was flying her home.
The next day the headline in the Daily Planet read: "World's Dumbest Kidnapper Shows up in Metropolis: Kidnaps Lois Lane. An article by Lois Lane."
Well, the headline was on page D37, right under Jimmy's update on nursing home food.
But it was a headline. And Lois had the by-line. And she was upset that it was buried so far in the paper. She thought it should be a front-page story. But she always thought that. Whether it belonged there or not.
Clark just grinned when he read it and realized there was no mention of Superman. So she wanted all the credit. He hadn't really done much so it was okay with him. He just pitied the next dumb kidnapper that tried to get Lois. She would find a way to make THAT front-page news.