By Various <see end of file for list of authors>
Rating: PG
Submitted: August 2001
Summary: A collection of letters between Lex Luthor, the denizens of Metropolis, and some FoLCs, amalgamated from a conversation on Zoomway's message boards.
First of all — a word of explanation: Recently, we FoLCs over on Zoomway's message boards were surprised to find ourselves receiving missives from a mysterious poster who claimed to be Lex Luthor. Our surprise was compounded when various other citizens of Metropolis joined in the conversation in what proved to be a lively and stimulation exchange of views. As the opinions of Mr. Luthor (and others) were judged to be of possible interest to other FoLCs it was agreed, with generous permission from those participating, that these messages should be amalgamated into The Lex Letters for inclusion on the Archive.
The Archive Staff would just like to note that none of the opinions detailed below necessarily reflect their own views on Clark Kent, Kal-El, Superman or any other person currently residing in Metropolis or elsewhere. ;)
THE LEX LETTERS:
***
July 25th, 2001:
From: Lex Luthor
Metropolis, New Troy
Hello, fellow board members.
Several weeks ago, curiosity brought me to these message boards. Some of my associates mentioned that it might be worth my while to investigate the fantastic information being presented here. Never one to pass up an opportunity, I began reading several of the stories posted each week. What I found astounded me!
Clark Kent is Superman?! My first reaction was "How absurd!" I have met both Clark Kent and Superman. They couldn't possibly be the same individual. I nearly gave up reading at that point. However, I persevered in my research and the more I read, the stronger the evidence. Clark Kent could, indeed, be Superman. It was almost mind numbing. In fact, I haven't been entirely convinced. I will need to do more of my own— research. It will be a delicate process, and one that I might well have to see to personally.
Another shocking revelation was that my Lois could harbor feelings of a romantic nature for her bumbling partner. I knew they were close. They work together after all. If they are becoming too close… Well. Let's just say I'm going to keep my eyes on that situation a bit more closely.
Which brings me to my greatest disappointment with the message board— the wanton abuse and deliberate slandering of my personal integrity. I am unsure what I have done to warrant this attack from the obvious over zealous imaginations several of you suffer from. It saddens me deeply that your collective opinion of me is so full of hate and evil. I can only guess that it is your misguided desire to see Lois Lane and Clark Kent enter into a romantic association that has colored your perception of reality. Since I am the current, and rightful holder of Ms. Lane's affection and attention, it is only natural that I become the "enemy." Trust me when I say, she couldn't be in better hands — mine.
Particular disturbing is the content of the stories' Charade, Strangers III, Accidental Husband, The Campaign, Surfacing Memory, Second Thoughts, and A Date With Superman. If someone who did not know the real me was to read one or more of these stories, they would most certainly formulate a horrible and hideous impression of whom Lex Luthor is. That impression is completely opposite of the truth, I can assure you!
Let me prove to you how well meaning my intentions are concerning Lois, Superman and Metropolis as a whole. I'd be more than happy to make a small donation to your favorite charity. Say— $1 million dollars to the— oh, what was it called? — oh, yes, the *Fanfic Addicts Recovery Codependent Egroup*? It sounds like a perfectly dreadful addiction, full of hoards of needy individuals, several of which I'm sure have been posting all that anti-Lex drivel. I'll have my people get in touch with your people— if that is at all possible. I must also mention that I'm going to get in touch with my lawyers as well. There has to be some legal recourse…
If all else fails, I can always talk to Nigel. He's good at solving these little — problems.
Lex Luthor
***
July 25th, 2001:
From Vicki:
AZ
Um…Lex…aren't you dead??
Vicki
***
July 25th, 2001:
From: Wendy
UK
Mr Luthor… Are you the real Lex Luthor, or merely an inferior clone? You'll pardon my asking, I'm sure. It's just that we've had so many impostors on these boards lately; it's getting very difficult to distinguish between the real thing and these upstart pretenders.
And what confuses me even more, you see, is that we know you're dead. Not only did we see you squashed — like a bug, I'm afraid, in that underground subway station, but various of our number made extra sure of your… demise by, for example, sticking hand grenades down your trousers, pushing you under buses, and having you eaten alive by sharks. In the circumstances, I'm sure you can see why we may be a little… suspicious of your apparent presence here.
If I'm misjudging you and your presence here is indeed benign, do accept my apologies. But in the meantime I'm sure you'll understand if we watch you like a hawk. And if you come too close to either Ms Lane or Mr Kent… well, we'll just have to ask LabRat or Helene or Nan or even Tank to write an even more spectacular demise for you than you've so far experienced.
So, with that proviso, welcome…
Wendy
***
July 25th, 2001:
From: Nigel St John
On a plane, heading for Cuba
Mr Luthor,
Having perused the situation, please may you take this notice as indication of my resignation, active forthwith. Superman is one thing — but some situations and groups are too powerful, I fear, even for us.
I cite one particularly fiendish female who fantasises about feeding you to sharks. If she would even contemplate such an appalling thing — apparently without fear of reprisal -I can only imagine what my own fate would be at the hands of these people.
My apologies, sir, it's been fun, but $300,000 a year simply isn't enough, even with all the Beluga and Krug I can cope with.
Your (former) obedient servant,
Nigel St John
***
July 26th, 2001:
Mr. Luthor,
From: Hypatia
North Carolina
If you please, I must say that threats will not work against this group. They will merely find an extremely grisly method to kill you and make it happen quite easily, easier then you could in fact. (I fear you may not believe me, so I simply add, don't say I didn't warn you.)
As for your claims of innocence — we know all about you and it appears that even the computer knows your true nature. If you would care to notice the words in the upper-left corner of your post. You may find yourself very interested in the fact that you are listed as Member #666.
Sincerely,
Hypatia
***
July 26th, 2001
From: Ariana Carlin
Metropolis Women's Prison
Lex, my darling, I can't help but view your most recent behaviour as being a cry for my help. What else would explain this bizarre search for attention from an insignificant mass of sheep that have gathered online? And for such a reason, too.
How could you lower yourself to such an extent in order to attract the attention of a lowly reporter? Is that the behaviour of the dynamic man that I married?
Lex, my sweet, you must know that you have my undivided attention and loyalty — unlike others. (I'll deal with you later, Nigel.) Together we could do so much.
Imagine what power you could wield if, to use military terms, you had someone shielding your back. I could be that someone! It would be sheer joy to stand at your side once again.
Darling, please think about it. Please reconsider your hasty decision for us to separate. Look what that decision has led to for you. You've been humiliated at the hands of 'the hottest team in town' and unfortunately, darling, also at the hands of Superman. I know, I know, the name makes me wince also, but it's time for you to face facts, my dear. It's time for you to disassociate yourself from this damaging relationship that you've spent so much time trying to defend. And it is a destructive relationship. What else could it be when, instead of you, a slightly attractive, yet definitely shop-worn journalist chooses a… a… Well, words fail me to properly describe an insignificant little man like Clark Kent, but I'm sure you know what I'm trying to say. We always did see the world through the same pair of rose-coloured glasses.
And that's my point, my darling. We share the same vision. You need me almost as much as I need you. Together, we are stronger than we are apart. Together, we could triumph!
Think about it, please, my sweetheart. I'll be waiting patiently.
I remain,
Your loving Ariana
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: Lex Luthor
Metropolis, New Troy
Well, I must say you are a vindictive group. Dead? I'm not sure which universe you live in, Wendymr, Vicki, but I am most certainly alive. It is rather disturbing to know so many people go about their day plotting my demise. Some of the examples do, however, show a creative flair that I can appreciate. I do believe you are either misinformed, or are suffering from delusional fantasies.
As a case in point, the common thread here is to believe that Clark Kent is Superman. However, Kal-El disputes this claim. Claiming to be the Last Son of Krypton, I have to assume that Kal-El is Superman's given name. While he took the time to foster more ill-will towards me, he also quite clearly states that he and Mr. Kent are not the same person. Everyone knows that Superman does not lie! A person who stands for Truth and Justice, who lives his entire life to serve and protect; that person would most certainly not lead you all astray. Would he? And yet, you are all convinced that Superman is Clark Kent. If Kal-El is lying about who he really is, I see no reason why he would not lie about myself as well. After all, it is he who stands the most to gain from these acts of deceit.
Threats? I don't believe I made any threats. Indeed, I made a quite generous offer. I can see now that FARCE has an even greater need for my generous and loving support. Getting in touch with lawyers is standard practice for all good business men. As to Nigel— well, I talk with him about a great many things, so it is only natural I discuss these boards with him as well.
I can see why you are concerned with upstart imposters, by the way. One using poor Nigel's name popped up in this very thread. I know it is an imposter by the mention of the yearly salary. Reguardless of that, I doubt someone of Nigel's background and considerable skill would be intimidated so easily. It would seem to me that you all are the one's making threats.
Ah, Ariana, mon tordue peu n,vros, ch,rie! We were like two stars in the heavens, irresistibly drawn together until our combined light shown brighter than the universe could stand. Sadly, your light burned out before your time. My dear Lois has something you lost long ago, and can never regain. Sanity.
Finally, I'm not entirely clear what the member number of 666 has to do with anything. It is, after all, just a number.
Lex Luthor
***
July 26,2001:
From: Nigel St John
Via laptop, somewhere in Bolivia
Sir! This may be my last message as I am currently moving into bandit country at the behest of my new employers.
Please accept no substitutes. I assure you that my resignation was no ruse or act of cowardice — I would urge you to deeper investigation of this shadowy underworld and I fear you shall come to the same conclusion as I. There are minds greater even than your own plotting dastardly deeds in this neighbourhood and attempts to infiltrate them further may well prove deadly. Do not be fooled by their simple exteriors — there is more to these people than meets the casual eye. It is a ruse intended to lull you into a sense of false security.
Nor am I an imposter — although I can certainly understand your caution in wondering. But, please, sir, I ask you — would I really reveal my real salary to the entire watching world? Would that be the act of a sane man? Those tax people are vociferous as I know you well know!
Should you require confirmation, check my rooms at the Luxor and I am sure you will find proof of my departure. If there is someone claiming to be me in your organization beware — you may be in grave danger from clone technology. I would put nothing past the denizens of this community. A sweep for bugs and spies might be called for to ensure the integrity of your organization. Security may have already been breached.
I beseech you, sir, have a care and proceed with extreme caution. Above all, you may recall that it was I whom you so often trusted to ferret out information on your enemies. Please trust now that I have done so with the utmost diligence and care and that my assessment of this threat is very real! Think on your own assertion that I do not scare easily, Mr. Luthor! Doesn't that speak to what dark, festering secrets I may have discovered in my research and what I may have found out about these people you bait with so casual a disregard for your safety?
I implore you to take care! Double the guards around your penthouse if nothing else! Buying in a few Dobermans might also be an exercise in prudence. There was some talk of retaliation on a channel I eavesdropped in last night. The reception was fuzzy and frequently faded out, but I think the words 'Sea World' and 'Reptile House' were mentioned at one point. Do you have crocodile insurance? Might be worth checking with Pendergast and Co.
I will remember you fondly and hope that you continue to be a deep darkness of shadow, stamping out the light…I should feel naught but sorrow were you to lose your grip on Metropolis and the world due to over-confidence in your intelligence and strength, superb though they are.
Having your good health in mind always and with my best wishes for your continued success,
Nigel.
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: Kal-El, Last Son of Krypton
Currently in Metropolis — But I'm frequently in lots of different places
Let me first start out by saying I have been in 'lurkdom' (I believe that is how you refer to it) for quite a short while now. My friend Clark Kent pointed me to these boards (well the original ones anywise) and I have followed along quietly, although frequently blushing, to all of the stories herein.
However, when I noticed the 'entitled' message appear on the boards, and from its author, I immediately became suspicious. I hesitantly informed my friends, Lois & Clark, to the possibility that Luthor could once again be alive. Needless to say, they were quite disturbed by this information. I felt quite sorry to have brought this burden upon them, but I felt they needed to be careful, since I can not be everywhere at once.
While Luthor may feel that these boards are of a slanderous nature to his public integrity, both he and I know that the contents of several of the stories, including the ones that he mentioned, are in fact, mostly accurate, and quite factual in regards to Luthors activities and motivations. However, I must say mostly accurate, because it appears that all of you who subscribe to these message boards, are under the false impression that Clark Kent and I are the same person.
While I do not wish to bring up this argument, (Mr. Kent brought this up before and both he and Mrs. Kent have simply stopped trying to convince you otherwise, as they feel it would be a full-time job on top of their already heavy workloads), I do feel that it is imperative that I use this forum to bring forth the information about Luthor so that you do not become 'enchanted' by his words or his threats. Please do not think that I believe your community unintelligent as to believe him, but he can be a conniving person, and simply wish to add an additional warning to what you may already feel.
As to Luthor's comments about:
quote:
If someone who did not know the real me was to read one or more of these stories, they would most certainly formulate a horrible and hideous impression of whom Lex Luthor is.
I simply wish to add that anyone who was to read one or more of these stories and come up with the impression that Luthor was someone who would… how did Mrs. Kent put it… 'give decent slugs a bad name' would in fact be getting an accurate impression of Luthor.
You will forgive me, I hope, for being short, but there is a fire burning over in McKinley Heights. I must go to lend assistance.
Kal-El
Last Son of Krypton
***
July 26, 2001:
From: Asabi
Meditating while yogic flying over Bombay
Greetings, sir. And further greetings to our old friend Nigel.
The spirits have made me aware of your incursions into this realm, Sir. They are somewhat disturbed by these events, and have bid me warn you of danger. As yet I am not clear as to the nature of this danger; the tarot and even the voices were more than usually vague today. I am to warn you of lurking dangers from someone called Kal, who may also be called Cla… this may be simply a mis-spelling, Sir, but I warn you to be careful regardless.
There is also an angry brown-haired woman associated with this Kal, and I see also many other women. The visions showed these latter women to have many powerful weapons at their disposal. They are striking keys, and at a touch many ferocious enemies will rise to overcome you. I have seen visions of lethal mammals, garrotes, shrinking drugs, and even some form of public transport. The extent of the danger from these women — and a small number of men — should not be under-estimated.
My advice to you, Sir, is to return to your own environment, where you will be appreciated. I see a continuation of harmony and a vision of a woman with red hair waiting to attend to your every wishes. There, you may be safe. But every minute you linger in this dangerous place I see threats and menace lurking in the cards. The spirits are now anxious… I am very concerned for you, Sir!
Beware of hungry tigers, Mr St John!
Ahhhh… the spirits are calling me…
Asabi
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: Ariana Carlin
Metropolis Women's Prison
Lex, my dearest, I am happy to see that you have taken one step back from the delusions that swirl around you. The idea that a nothing like Clark Kent could be a powerful entity like Superman… Why, it's preposterous! It's ridiculous! I can certainly understand why you've had second thoughts.
As far as this group believing that Superman has such an innocuous secret identity, it makes for fascinating reading. They are all obviously suffering from mass delusions where one mistaken idea spawns another and another, until truth has been distorted and the obvious obscured. But enough of being technical. I don't want to bore you.
Yes, it is a positive step that you have taken, but at the same time, my darling, I have to tell you that you're in denial. Lois Lane is not in love with you and never has been. She told me so in a private session with me. Yes, I know. As her physician, I should consider myself bound in confidence not to reveal her thoughts or emotions, but I've made a judgement call. Your needs are obviously so much more important than hers. I believe that this is ample justification for bending the rules.
Think on this, my sweet. What type of sick, psychotic woman agrees to marry a handsome, powerful, wealthy, wonderful man only to reject him at the altar and push him to the brink of destruction? What type of woman does nothing to prevent that same destruction? If it hadn't been for some forethought on my part, we'd never be able to correspond like this. (You never did thank me for your second chance at life, by the way.) For you to still harbour feelings for this horrible, sick, twisted shell of a woman is definitely a cry for help such as I've never heard before in all my years in private practice.
I want to be the one to give you that help, my darling. I want to be the one that you count on, that you know would never, ever betray you. Let me back into your life. Let me take my rightful place by your side, in your arms, and I blush to say it, in your bed as well.
Mon amour, mon cheri, je t'aime. You are the sun. I bask in your glow.
Always,
Your loving Ariana
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: Mrs. Lane
Metropolis, New Troy
Lex, I don't know what my daughter was thinking when she turned you down. Are you still the 3rd richest man in the world? If so, are you free for dinner? If not, please disregard this messege.
Mrs. Lane
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: Jaxon
Somewhere in Cyberspace
Dad???
Is that really you? I've been stuck here in this virtual reality hell for the last four years and I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to need a little help in getting out of here.
Of course my time in this circuitry prison hasn't been a waste — I wouldn't be the son of Lex Luthor if I let an opportunity to delve into the computers of world go to waste.
So what I'm saying, DAD, is that if you help free me, I'll show you where I have the most vital information in the world stored.
Pretty please? Isn't it about time you made up for treating me like a piece of dirt, the unwanted bastard son who never managed to live up to your expectations?
I did it, Dad!! I can make you proud of me!!
Oh, by the way, I didn't really make a move on Lois Lane. Not really. She's not my type.
Jaxon
***
July 26th, 2001
From: ChiefPam
North Carolina, USA
Lex, (may I call you Lex?)
I've been away for a few days, but I must say, this caught my attention:
quote:
Let me prove to you how well meaning my intentions are concerning Lois, Superman and Metropolis as a whole. I'd be more than happy to make a small donation to your favorite charity. Say— $1 million dollars to the— oh, what was it called? — oh, yes, the Fanfic Addicts Recovery Codependent Egroup?
As the president and treasurer of this group, you can imagine how interested I am in your offer. ? However, this part…
quote:
It sounds like a perfectly dreadful addiction, full of hoards of needy individuals, several of which I'm sure have been posting all that anti-Lex drivel. I'll have my people get in touch with your people— if that is at all possible. I must also mention that I'm going to get in touch with my lawyers as well. There has to be some legal recourse…
has made me rather nervous, so I believe for the moment I'll have to refuse your most generous contribution. Whatever else you may be, sir, you are certainly a powerful man, and I think the less you know about me, the better. Besides, rich men tend to use their wealth to control others, and I prefer to retain my independence.
PJ
(and don't believe any rumors you hear about buses; obviously the third richest man in the world wouldn't have anything personally to do with public transportation. ;) )
PJ's messageboard signature:
Welcome to this meeting of the Fanfic Addicts Recovery Codependent Egroup (FARCE).
First step: Admit that you need a higher power to —
Ooh, look, someone posted a new section! Be right back…
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: Lex Luthor
Metropolis, New Troy
Ah, yes. Jaxon. Now I remember why I divorced your mother.
Lex Luthor
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: Jaxon
Somewhere in Cyberspace
Divorce?!!
You mean… gasp, I'm legimate!!! Father!! That means I'm entitled to an inheritance!!!
Goody! Goody!! /me claps hands in glee!! See I'm been in here too long; I'm talking like I'm typing on a keyboard.
Hey! I AM typing on a keyboard!!
Hang on, Pops! I'm coming out!
Your loving *legitimate* son,
X
P.S. Can I borrow the keys to the helicopter tonight?
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: Monique
Metropolis Home for the Criminally Insane
Lex,
So nice to see you out and about — enjoying life and making light of things while I *rot in this psychiatric hospital*. Whatever was I thinking when I agreed to go along with your little "tests" for Superman? You *know * I'm deathly afraid of heights.
At least my room here is nice. I just wish the man in the room next to me would quit talking about people coming in through the window. He's quite frightening.
Jules came by to visit for a few months after my unfortunate incident, but then he stopped coming by. I suppose he is still working for Lex Corp? He *was* a spineless little thing.
If you have any pull with the administrator of this horrid facility, please use it and have me released at once. I loathe every day that I must spend here.
As always,
Monique
And an Uzi precedes a bloody mess — even in China :).
***
July 26th, 2001:
From: LabRat
Scotland
I've been reading this thread with interest and on behalf of our American cousins, would just like to express my outrage and surprise that tax dollars are being used to fund internet access for the criminally insane and petty criminals in Metropolis while they remain incarcerated.
What is the world coming to?! Get them doing hard labor for Pete's Sake! These people tried to kill Superman!
LabRat
***
July 26th, 2001
From: H. G. Wells
Dystopia
Oh, dear.
Has Tempus been straying out of bounds again? My comfortable futuristic home just morphed into a hovel again.
No; that theory must be incorrect, for I observe from the other posts on this thread that Mr. Luthor has come back to life yet another time. I wonder if his soul tracker is on permanent pause? Perhaps that would account for it.
It is clear that something has gone wrong somewhere, but that is certainly none of my doing. After all, I have appointed myself guardian of all times lines in all universes, but that does not mean that I have to take the blame for anything untoward that might occur. I will simply ask Ms. Lane and Superman to save the day yet again. I can't imagine that they would have anything better to do with their time.
Please, Mr. Luthor! Do what you want to me, but let the girl go!
Herb
***
July 26th, 2001
From: Ariana Carlin
Metropolis Women's Prison
Lex, you were married before? But you told me I was your first true love! How could you? What else have you deceived me about?
And yet, in spite of my disappointment, I remain,
Your loving Ariana
***
July 26th, 2001
From: Mrs. Cox
Metropolis Women's Prison
Lex,
Such fools they are! Do they not realize that I was the only woman for you? I met your every need. My patience here at the Women's Prison has been rewarded. You are free, my dear, and I will soon be too. The money is safe — locked away in a safe deposit box that no one will ever find. That stupid Bender fellow never knew it existed or he would have squandered it like he did the rest of your fortune. And along with it is a small sliver of the Kryptonite we had.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mrs. Cox
Yes, Lex, et tu!
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Kal-El, Last Son of Krypton
Currently Metropolis — But I'm frequently in lots of different places
quote:
And along with it is a small sliver of the Kryptonite we had.
I find this statement most disturbing. I will have to have my friend Lois contact Inspector Henderson and see what he can do about getting it. I wonder if these message boards can be used as evidence in a court of law.
I have to agree with Ms. Labrat. I fully believe that these criminals have way too much time on their hands. It was hopeful that they would become constructive members of society once their punishment had been served, but it is obvious by such information posted here that they are not rehabilitating. I find this tendency of the American court system most distressing. It is bad enough to have to aid the law enforcement officers of the world in catching these devious criminals, but they seem to only receive a slap on the wrist in the long term. Perhaps I could suggest an article to Lois and Clark about the methods of rehabilitation used in the modern penal system.
Hmmm… Another bank alarm. I am afraid that I must depart.
Kal-El
Last Son Of Krypton
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Tempus
In a time machine, Metropolis…any universe I want to be!
Well, DUH!!
Are you all having fun yet?
You know, this is the most fun I've had since I ran for President!
Let me see… I've resurrected Lex Luthor, allowed his tedious son Jaxon to communicate from his living death of an existence, and even brought a clone of Superman into the mix. Oh, no, he's not the real Superman! Surely none of you were fooled! After all, as Lex himself pointed out, Superman wouldn't lie, and you know that Clark Kent is Superman.
I have proof! **Clark Kent is Superman!**
The only thing that surprises me is that my dear friends Clark and Lois don't seem to have appeared yet. Is it possible that they've somehow slept through all this fun and games? Well, I'll just have to see what I can do about *that*!
Oh, and Herb, it's so good to see that you haven't lost that martyr complex which makes you so much fun to play with. That almost makes it worth putting up with your tedious moralising. Hey, maybe I'll come and get you — you can watch while I kill Superman with that piece of Kryptonite Mrs Cox referred to. That saves me having to go back to Smallville in 1966 and start digging around in the dirt. Too boring!
And hey Lex! Once I've killed Superman, how about we go into partnership? With your money and my time-travelling abilities, we could rule the world, in any century!
Wave goodbye, Superman… <evil grin> And, Lois, don't be sad. Between us, Lex and I will comfort you. You'll soon forget that goody-two-shoes!
Tempus
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Jimmy Olsen
Metro
Man O Man!!
What is this place I am at?!
Lex Luthor is alive?!? Tempus is out of the insane asylum?!? H.G. Wells?!? The dead writer?!?
I think I need to lay off the caffine *AND* the late night computer hacking!
Oh, Geez!! Gotta get those photos Perry needs!!
Outta here,
Jimmy
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Clark Kent (Interruptions by Lois Lane)
Metropolis, New Troy
Well, it looks like the portal between our universe and yours has opened up again, and not a moment too soon, by the look of things. As soon as Lois and I found our way over to these new boards, we were alarmed to discover posts by someone alleging himself or herself to be Lex Luthor.
Let me assure you, dear friends, that in our universe, Lex Luthor is most definitely dead. Incontrovertible proof of this was unearthed (literally, as it happens) a couple of months ago, when a body was found during the construction of a new subway station here in Metropolis. Forensic tests confirmed that the body was that of Lex Luthor.
However, your Lex Luthor could conceivably still be the real thing, if Tempus is involved, as he appears to be. Frankly, when Tempus is involved, anything is possible. With this in mind, I urge you to do the following:
1. Treat this person with the utmost caution. He is a habitual serious offender, with severe psychotic tendencies.
2. Do not believe anything he says.
3. Do not feed his megalomania; in short, ignore him.
If the administrators of these boards, or indeed anyone else here, has information pertaining to his whereabouts, contact Inspector Henderson of the Metropolis PD, New Troy, USA immediately. If it's not possible for you to contact him directly, then pass the information onto me, and I'll make sure he gets it. My home email address is clarkjeromekent@hotmail.com and my work one is clark.kent@dailyplanet.com.
Finally, and on a happier note, it's great to be back, guys! ? Is Kathy Brown still around on these boards? I still remember her from the Kerth Awards, especially that kiss…
/Ha! Very funny, Clark./
Sorry, that was Lois butting in, like she always does.
/Hey!/
But I still love her.
/Better./
Think I better go before she starts beating me over the head with the keyboard.
<thwack!>
Too late.
Bye, guys! Remember what I said about Luthor.
Yours,
Clark Kent
/hey, don't forget me!/
…and Lois Lane
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Tempus
In a time machine, Metropolis…any universe I want to!
Ha! That woke them up, huh?
And *Duh*! Clark Kent IS Superman!
And don't you look stupid in that cape, Clark? And blue Spandex??? Should've stuck with the black… even I had to agree that it suited you. Just a little.
Oh, and hello Lois. ? Still as bossy as ever, I see! Say, why don't we go dimension-hopping together? You don't really need that boring heap of morals on wings!
See ya, Supes! Time to fly!
Tempus
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Lex Luthor
Metropolis, New Troy
How terribly disappointing. My generous offer to this FARCE has had it's typical reaction. All the loonies come out of the woodwork. I sometimes wonder if having all this money is worth it. Maybe I would have been better off if I had never become the third richest man in the world.
Nah! <insert evil icon here>
Yes, Jaxon, I divorced your mother. No, Jaxon, you are not legitimate. You are the reason I divorced the tramp in the first place. You (thankfully) belong to someone else. By the way, are you the one responsible for all these email virus attacks? At least you've done something right. Please continue hitting Bill Gates where it hurts. Anything to move me further toward that number one position. I'll see what I can do about your situation if things work out.
quote:
… would just like to express my outrage and surprise that tax dollars are being used to fund internet access for the criminally insane and petty criminals in Metropolis while they remain incarcerated.
LabRat, rest assured I will be looking into this matter closely. As one of Metropolis' largest contributors to the tax fund, I take this matter personally. I'll make sure their access, if they are who they claim to be, is removed post haste. Trust me, I can make things happen- anywhere.
Kal-El! So good to hear from you again. As you are a self appointed protector and servant for justice, I would like to file a complaint against various people on these boards who have been making death-threats against myself. Scroll further back in this thread for the evidence.
Mrs. Cox, I see you might have some money stashed away for a rainy day. Have you thought about your retirement, lately? You never know when things might take a turn for the worse. Might I suggest investing that money for the future? If you would take a look at LexCorp Investments and Mutual Funds Group, I'm sure they can take good care of it for you. For your precious gem, I think it would be wise to have it stored away in a safety deposit box at BankLex, First Bank of Metropolis.H.G. Wells and Tempus are obviously delusional. Time travel? Morphing houses?
Sharing my money and Lois? <scowl>
What do you think I am — crazy?
;)
Ooops! "Clark Kent" and "Lois Lane" snuck in and posted before I could hit the reply button. How- interesting. Two more quacks talking about dimensional hopping. Just to clear the record, I've already been in contact with the administrator of these boards. Ms. Zoomway is a *wonderful* person, and she helped me with a minor little problem with my signup. Something with the member number 666 again, I'm not entirely sure what was wrong. In the end, it was all figured out. As to our faithful public protector, the esteemed Inspector Henderson, I'll be contacting him myself, immediately. Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Lex Luthor
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Nell Newtrich
Somewhere…
TO: Whomever It May Concern
RE: Red Kryptonite Laser
I have in my possession an improved version of my red kryptonite laser which transferred Superman's powers to Lois Lane, thus turning her into Ultra Woman. I am prepared to sell it to the highest bidder. Bidding will commence immediately and start at $5,000,000. Please email your bids to me at the email listed in my profile.
Bidding will stop at midnight on July 30, 2001. The winning bid will be announced on July 31, 2001, to coincide with the beginning of the LAFF conference in California. Consider the advantages of having Superman's powers and email those bids to me. And please don't tell Lucille. She's still mad that we screwed up the armored car robbery.
Nell
The *smart* sister
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Ariana Carlin
On the run…
Lex, my darling, I'm pleased to tell you that I managed to, uh, walk away from prison. Isn't that fortuituous? I knew that you would be thrilled so I hastened to tell you.
Is there any possibility that I could borrow, oh, I don't know, 5 or 10 million dollars from you? I, um, saw something on a… shopping channel that I just have to have. I believe that with the purchase of this, um, device, all our problems would be solved.
Once I used it on myself, let me say that I'm sure that I would be able to fully capture your attention once more.
Oops, have to run. Just saw my picture on a TV screen here at the airport and since I don't have an unhealthy need for attention, it's best for me to just leave.
I remain,
Your loving (and determined) Ariana
***
July 27th, 2001:
From: Tempus
In a time machine, Metropolis…any universe I want to!
So kind of you to let me know about this perfect weapon, Nell, dearie. I just traveled back to last night and stole it from ya. So tough sh*t, Ariana, you're out of luck!
And anyway, I'll have a much better chance of getting Superman's powers than you will. Why is it that nobody believes me when I'm actually telling the truth for once?
Clark Kent *is* Superman!
Superpowers here I come! Yes, *baby*!
Tempus
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Tarkas
geosynchronous orbit, but at a very low altitude
Tempus, dear boy… I think you'd better take a look at your supposed Red K laser…Yep, that's right — it's a not-all- that-well-disguised Super-Soaker! <evil grin> With a load of rock in the tank for ballast.
Y'see, oh irony-lover, you're not the *only* one with a time machine — and mine is equipped with a transposer (same technology, different orientation). And you're not getting the laser back — nor, indeed, is anyone else — because *nobody*, not even me, knows where it is (or used to be; by now, it's been atomised — but then, solar coronas tend to do that… ? ) or even what universe it was in. Little Gay didn't tell me, I didn't ask, and she wiped that specific portion of her memory while *outside* the timestream, so the information literally does not exist and cannot be recovered.
And the Red K — well, that's a lump of harmless iron, courtesy of a little forced aging (6 or 7 million half-lives). Useful for a paperweight, but not a lot else.
Besides, Nell's concept (and I fully agree that she's the smart sister; also the good-looking one, IIRC, and certainly the one with more dress sense) has one basic flaw — that the red K will have the same effect on Superman as it did last time. Experience shows that this is unlikely to be the case, but I didn't feel like letting you try it.
Nell, if you're still out there, do get in touch. There are *far* more useful (and fun!) things you could be working on than wasting your time on revenge (except on your sister; that comes under the heading of raising the average IQ of the species — and I have a few ideas about that <insert evil icon here>). But don't try just yet; LG, J and I are phasing out for a few weeks — there's this moon of Jaglan Beta that we've been planning to visit in a certain universe; makes Risa look like a cut-rate kids' playground…
Phil
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Inspector Henderson
26th Precinct, Homecide Squad, Metropolis PD.
Dear All,
I must say, I am most concerned by these rumours that Lex Luthor may be alive after all. Even if this is some sick joke, or a clone, the mere possibility that the most evil criminal mind this century is loose once again is terrifying. And now the most evil criminal mind from the *next* century (or so he claims, I don't believe it myself), has escaped from the psychiatric hospital. I'm afraid this is fact — I checked this morning, and the doctors say escaped sometime last night.
Let me assure you that my men will be doing their utmost to bring both these criminals to justice once again. I hope we will be recieving your full cooperation in our investigations. And Clark, if you could ask Superman for his help…?
Yours,
Inspector Henderson
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Lex Luthor
Metropolis, New Troy
Tempus,
You have just proved with your uncouth, foul mouth that you have no class. Ladies, I apologize that you had to read those terrible words. You, Tempus, are truly despicable.
Lex Luthor
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Nell Newtrich
Somewhere…
Dear Mr. Tarkas,
Thank you for the compliment you paid me (I think). While I appreciate your confidence in my technical abilities, I believe you underestimate the power of the red kryptonite in my possession. It really does do strange things to Superman. Just ask my brother, Gene. My big brother wouldn't lie to me. And besides, I saw it work for myself.
Thank you too for your moral support. Lucille can be a real pain.
And folks, keep those bids coming in. Things are looking very promising at the moment.
Nell
The *smart* sister
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Jimmy Olsen
Metro
Ya know, some of you guys are impersonating villains who did some really bad stuff to Lois and Clark. As a close friend to both of them *and* Superman, I will do my cyber best to out each and every one of you.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some IP addressing to research.
Outta here,
Jimmy
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Mxyzptlk
Never Again the 5th Dimension
I just love this Third Dimension! The people here are so gullible! Do you really think any of this could have happened without my help?? Ha!
It wasn't you, Tempus. It was me! Me! Me!
I resurrected Lex. I gave that little present to Nell. I freed Arianna. And best of all, I opened the "portal" to Clark's world so he wouldn't miss the fun.
Clarkie, do you really think there ever was a portal? Ha Ha Ha. I really thought you would be smarter! <evil grin>
Now I will let these idiotic villains get back to work. I am going to enjoy the show.
Don't even try to find me, you can't catch me anyway.
I am here to stay. And this time *nobody* is going to send me back to the Fifth Dimension!
Mxyzptlk
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Dr. Klein
Madame Curie Hotel, Metropolis
I feel compelled to point out to the nefarious among you, that I'm working on perfecting a cure for Kryptonite poisoning. Also, to the issue of Clark Kent really being Superman, that's preposterous! I'm sure I've seen Mr. Kent and Superman in my lab at the same time. Well … I've seen Lois and Superman and Lois and Clark in my lab … and Lois does show up every time Superman gets a hangnail … but she's just a good friend of his … a really *really* good friend.
Now, if you'll excuse me, something is bubbling over and burning a hole in the floor.
Yours in Science,
Dr. Bernard Klein.
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Tarkas
geosynchronous orbit, but at a very low altitude
My dear Nell,
quote:
Thank you for the compliment you paid me (I think).
Don't think, milady — know. No sarcasm or the like should be implied or was intended.
quote:
While I appreciate your confidence in my technical abilities, I believe you underestimate the power of the red kryptonite in my possession. It really does do strange things to Superman. Just ask my brother, Gene. My big brother wouldn't lie to me. And besides, I saw it work for myself.
I don't doubt you or your brother, but I think you have misunderstood me. What I said was that Tempus' plan to become Super-Irony-Lover (and, indeed, the basis of your auction) is based on one assumption that experience shows is likely to be flawed — namely, that the red K will have the same effect on Superman each time he encounters it.
I don't doubt your experience with the stuff, but I have somewhat more, having seen Big Blue deal with its effects some ten times (or was it eleven? No, that passing exposure in 2011 doesn't really count) and I can tell you that, from my experience, your laser is more likely to be of interest to tabloid journalists than to would-be super-powered world conquerers — who, I might add, would be likely to seek you out, were they to obtain super-powers, so that no-one else has a chance to do unto them what they have just done to Superman!
Besides, your Red K stash (and that of your brother) has been put through forced aging, and are now merely more-than-usually- pretty pieces of impure iron. Sorry, but you have too much talent to end up as a piece of charcoal at the hands of some megalomaniac. That fate is reserved for useless ornaments like Luthor.
Oh, and Mixed-pickles, a word in your ear analogue: behave yourself, or you'll find out that there are other ways to be sent back to D5 than saying your name backwards. Some of us "mere mortals" can send you there directly — do not pass Go, do not collect acclamation as a god, do not do anything other than get lost.
Bernie! Have you been trying Martin Stein's coffee recipe again? I keep telling you: what works in his physics lab is not necessarily a good idea in a biomedical lab!
Ah, well. Back to Jaglan Beta I; a delightful spot, but not out of touch with the rest of the multiverse…
Phil
***
July 29th, 2001
From: Lucille Newtrich
Somewhere in Metropolis looking for my nimcompoop sister
Nell! Wait til I get my hands on you. You nincompoop! You fool!
You…you…hypochondriac!!!!
That red kryptonite laser was *my* idea and you know it. Just because you got out of prison early for turning states evidence against me doesn't mean you can profit from my genius.
And just who does that Tarkas fellow think he is telling you that you're the prettier sister? I think he'd better re- evaluate his position because my parole is coming up soon and I might just pay him a little visit and see how he likes dealing with a real genius.
Don't be surprised if you hear from Gene. He's been in hiding for a while — hiding from the law, hiding from Lex Luthor, hiding from Superman. He'll not be too happy that you're trying to capitalize on his discovery either.
So watch out sister!
UltraLucille
***
July 29th, 2001
From: Gene Newtrich
In Hiding
Hey sis. What's the odds that we'd be on the net at the same time? It's been a long time. Sorry that I haven't been to visit in a while, but you know how it is.
And as for you, Nell, if you know what's good for you, you'll cut me in on a share of your profits. I'm the one that found the stuff in the first place. And Mr. Tarkas, I don't think either one of us knows exactly what the red kryptonite is or what effect it will have on Supes. But if I can make a buck with the stuff, then I'm all for it. After all, there's no law on the books making it illegal to render a superhero apathetic is there?
As for you Mr. Olsen, it's folks like you who keep me on the run and in hiding. Always trying to hack into the net and figure out who people are and where they're at. Why don't you just butt out and mind your own business kid?
Gene Newtrich
***
July 29th, 2001
From: Mrs. Cox
Metropolis Womens' Prison
quote:
You never know when things might take a turn for the worse.
Is that a *threat* Lex? My attorney was quite interested in your little missive. She doesn't take too kindly to having her clients threatened. If memory serves me correctly, her exact words were, "He'd better watch his back."
Ciao.
Mrs. Cox
Yes, Lex, et tu!
***
July 30th, 2001:
From: Lex Luthor
Metropolis, New Troy
Mrs. Cox, your accusations wound me, my dear! A threat? I'm merely concerned for your well-being. I was looking out for your future, offering advice about how to ensure your money is in the best of hands. You are, after all, in prison, and one never knows what might happen to one in there.
As to your lawyer, she sounds a bit too much like a money grabbing fanatic to me. Manufacturing threats from simple statements, and then producing threats in return. Watch my back? That's what I have my own team of lawyers for. They will be getting in touch with your attorney soon.
This red Kryptonite laser sound very interesting and all, but until I can see a demonstration of its abilities, I'm afraid I can not provide funding for any- ahhh… *research* at this time. If you would like to provide me with a demonstration of it's implied abilities, then feel free to contact my office. I'll arrange to have Superman come by so we can- um… *verify* the validity of your statements.
Mxyzptlk… from the *5th* dimension… right? Yes, well, please… stay away from me. Someone with your weak grasp of reality shouldn't really be allowed to have access to the Internet. Somehow I can't get the image of a tall, skinny man with too much hair, and a sign that says "The End Is Coming" out of my mind when I think of you. The men in the white suits will be around to collect you shortly, despite your boast that no one is going to send your back.
Dr. Klein! I've heard so much about you! Your contributions to the field of science are legendary. I'm quite happy to see that you are working with our famed Man of Steel to perfect a cure for his unfortunate weakness. Might I be of some help? LexCorp does have one of the largest laboratories in the world, full of some of the brightest minds mankind can afford. Why don't you bring your research notes over sometime and have a look at my unique collection of antique motorcycles. I'm sure we can work together for my- er, our benefit.
My dear Ariana! Your patience, perseverance and loyalty impress me. I can see that my opinion of you is in need of refinement. If you are successful in clearing your name, I'm sure I can find a place for you in my, ah-hem, organization somewhere. Lois may be the love of my life, but a man of my position has to be, um, open to all possibilities (and distractions). I believe I may have a position open that you would fit nicely into. Mrs. Cox, sadly enough, is no longer in my enjoymen- er, employment. I think the position (or positions depending on how *flexible* we both turn out to be) would be perfect for someone with your loving devotion.
I'm still researching this alleged Clark Kent and Superman connection, and would like to take the time to nag all those writers out there to hurry up and post *MORE*!!! Information is power, after all.
Lex Luthor
***
30th July, 2001:
From: Tempus
Being kidnapped by a dead writer…HELP!!!
Lex, my offer is still open! And I can get all the proof you need… just hop on my handy-dandy time machine and I'll show you! It'll cost you, though — and that'll teach you not to disparage my claims!
Wait a minute…
Herb!! What are you doing?
Herb, get off this thing! Push off! Go on, get back to Utopia — you never know, someone there might actually *want* to be bored by you!
Aaaarrrgggghhhh!!! What's happening? The machine's out of control! HELP!! You can't do this to me, Herb! You can't take me back…
Noooooooooooooooooooo
***
July 30th, 2001:
From: H G Wells
Utopia
Ahhhhhh.
*checks pocket watch*
A vast improvement, I must say.
Excuse me, my dear friends! I must go check my apartment's morphic field…
Herb
***
30th July, 2001:
From: Mrs. Cox
Metropolis Women's Prison
quote:
Mrs. Cox, sadly enough, is no longer in my enjoymen- er, employment.
Who said I ever enjoyed it? I'm a great fan of Meg Ryan.
quote:
I think the position (or positions depending on how *flexible* we both turn out to be) would be perfect for someone with your loving devotion.
Trust me dear. He isn't *that* flexible.
***
30th July, 2001:
From: Kal-El, Last Son of Krypton
Currently in Metropolis, but I'm frequently in lots of different places.
I apologize for not responding for a bit. There was a disatrous tectonic-plate movement near China, and I had to do something about that. And then there was the exploding steam engine in Ohio. A horrible incident that I was late in arriving at. And now Etna in Sicily. It has been a very busy weekend for me.
Of course, while all this is going on, Mxyzptlk shows up. And claims to have created this whole mess. Well, for all of you FoLC's who do not already know, get him to use his name backwards, and he will go away for a time. Remember, Kltpzyxm! (By the way, I did use that term of yours correctly, did I not?)
Doctor Klein, I do not show up every time I get a hangnail… I do not even get hangnails, which, if I did, I am sure I could take care of myself, with a bit of judicious use of heat vision. And yes, Ms. Lane (I sometimes call her Mrs. Kent, since she is married to my friend Clark, and she doesn't mind it, because I am referring to her being one half of a pair, and not talking to her at work. When I see her at the Daily Planet, I still refer to her as Ms. Lane, as she prefers) does frequently attend these doctor visits with me, as I have no one who fills that niche in my life (nor do I even have that niche in my life), and we are really good friends.
Tarkas, could you mention the number of times you've seen me affected by Red Kryptonite. I do not doubt what you have said, but I don't remember you being there, so I was hoping you could possibly remind me, as that, in and of itself could be a fault of the red kryptonite. And it scares me how much you FoLC's know about this stuff. Just try not to spread it around. Too many people know for my tastes. And Jaglan Beta I, I can not say as I know of it, but if it is within a few million miles, let me know and perhaps I will visit.
Collectively, the Newtrich's, for the sisters behind bars, I do hope you stay there, and learn your lessons. Ultra Woman is very unhappy with what happened last time, and she has told me that she will do everything in her considerable power to make sure that nothing of the sort happens again. As for you Mr. Newtrich, I truly hope Jimmy can find you and contact the proper authorities as to your whereabouts. (PS: Jimmy, if you do find him, let Lois or Clark know. They will get in touch with me and I will go round up Mr. Newtrich.
Mrs. Cox, were ever you the nail in Luthor's coffin. I am pleased to hear that your attourney may seek the legal course in attempts to corral Luthor.
Luthor, do not think I will be so easily *arranged* so that you can *verify* Nell's statement. And I am sure that Doctor Klein knows more than enough about you to stay away from you.
Again Luthor, you already know, and have already stated that Clark Kent and I are not the same person. Please do not attempt to strengthen this groups illusions that Clark Kent and I are the same.
I am very happy to see that Mr. Wells has taken care of Tempus, for now. Tempus' attacks on Ms. Lane have become very annoying. I still can not believe that everyone here does not recognize him for what he really is.
Hmmm… perhaps I should do another patrol around Sicily…
***
July 30th, 2001:
From: Gene Newtrich
In Hiding
Nell,
I received this very cryptic email this morning from a buddy of mine. He asked if I would forward it to you since he didn't have your address handy. Here goes:
quote:
Ms. Newtrich,
I am quite interested in your device. I believe it would be the missing part in a little "prank" I want to pull on some old friends. Please email me at theprankster@funtimes.com. Kyle Griffin
Nellie — I don't know about you, but I'd check out what this Griffin guy has to offer. After that last message from Superman, I'm even more convinced that Luthor is a really bad apple.
Your big brother,
Gene Newtrich
***
July 31st, 2001:
From: Lex Luthor
Metropolis, New Troy
Kal-El, Superman, Clark Kent, who ever you are, this matter can be solved very simply. I'm now officially inviting Superman, Clark Kent, Lois Lane, and anyone else who wants to attend, to my penthouse. (Nell, I'll be sending a car around to collect you and your item. Only the best for you my dear.) If and when all three of you decided to show at the same time, this matter of your identity will be cleared up to everyone's satisfaction.
Mrs. Cox, your enjoyment never entered my mind. You were, after all, only an employee hired to perform a service.
Pam, I've been told by my lawyers that negotiations with FARCE have broken down. Something about independence and control. Let me review what we offered:
Welcome to this meeting of the Fanfic Addicts Recovery Codependent Egroup (FARCE) a LexCorp Association Funded Forum (LAFF).
First step: Admit that you need a higher power (such as LexCorp) to —
It seems like such an insignificant change considering the generous amount of money I'm prepared to donate to your little cause. I'll be sending someone over to *talk* with you about your, um, *our* options.
I'm always here to *help*, trust me.
Lex Luthor
***
July 31st, 2001:
From: Kal-El, Last Son of Krypton
Currently in Metropolis, but I'm frequently in lots of different places
Luthor,
While I have not spoken with Mr. and Mrs. Kent regarding this, I can assure you that I have no desire to be anywhere near you or your penthouse. And while I do not wish to speak for them, I am sure that Lois and Clark have a very similar attitude regarding this.
After reading about your supposed donation to FARCE, I'm sure Ms. Jernigan will notice that nothing from you comes without a price. It is called a donation for a reason, Luthor. The strings you wish to attach make it sound more like a purchase. I truly hope Ms. Jernigan's ethics are not for sale.
And do not think I will not be keeping an eye out for Ms. Jernigan. After your less than subtle threat, I will make sure that your bully boys stay in line.
I did notice that your last line seemed to be a typo, Luthor. Perhaps your software, LexType, needs a few more bug patches. It seems that your last sentence was missing a whole word. I do not wish to call you a liar, but the only way that your final sentence seems believable to me is if you insert the word *myself* prior to the comma.
Excuse me, but I hear a cry for help…
Kal-El
***
August 1st, 2001:
From: Pam Jernigan
Mr. Luthor, as I said before, and as I told your lawyers … thanks, but no thanks. For one thing, I'm pretty sure that none of the fanfic addicts in FARCE really *want* to recover. And while I like the idea of subsidizing fanfic writers so that they can quit their day jobs and write more, I really don't think I can accept your money for that, either. I'm pretty sure you'd want us to change the focus of the stories … perhaps even depicting you as the hero, and we have more artistic integrity than that. I'm sure you're familiar with the Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules. As we wouldn't like your rules, we'll have to make do without your gold. But again, thanks for offering.
Superman, I appreciate your offer to keep an eye on me. But I have a feeling that if anything happened to me before I could finish my current story, Mr. Luthor would have an angry mob to deal with and I'm sure he's astute enough to realize that.
PJ
***
August 1st, 2001:
From: Lex Luthor
Metropolis, New Troy
Somehow, Kal-El, I'm not surprised you are turning down my offer. I never took you for the cowardly type. I guess I was wrong. All talk and no show.
Pam, may I call you Pam? You are correct. There can be no cure if the poor, suffering souls don't want to be cured.
I'm still amazed at this overall negative perception you people have of me. Accusing me of threats and evil deeds. It is as if you all think it would be better to get in bed with the devil than to even acknowledge that *I*, Lex Luthor, only want to help! HOW ABSURD!
Don't you people *get* it?! I'm a NICE person! *Really*! I am! If you half-wits would open your eyes to the *real* enemy here, you would see that. I've given Metropolis *so* much! I'm *entitled* to its ownership! NO-ONE has done more for Metropolis than *I* HAVE. That boy-scout in blue hasn't been around long enough to even come CLOSE to taking care of Metropolis as well as I have.
It's so *damn* frustrating that I have to SIT here and LISTEN to these ATTACKS. OVER AND OVER AGAIN, YOU PEOPLE INSIST ON HURLING INSULTS AT ME. I AM LEX LUTHOR, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
I know! Someone has been using mind control on all of you to influence your thinking! But what's the common thread? How are they doing it?! Wait a minute… Those little icons attached to each post… I've never noticed them before, they're so innocent looking. EVERY POST HAS THEM!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! MY GOD, THEY MUST CONTAIN SOME SORT OF SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES!
Zoomway?! How could you, my dear? I thought… I thought you were on MY side? All this time, how was I to know that YOU where the one who would betray my trust?! You've been plotting against me, even before I signed up! While projecting the facade of the helpful board administrator, YOU'VE BEEN USING YOUR SECRET MESSAGES IN THE ICONS TO INFECT THE MINDS OF YOUR BOARD MEMBERS! IMPLANTING ANTI-LEX MESSAGES IN THEIR WEAK, LITTLE MINDS!
Brilliant! Can we work out a deal, here? I could really use that technology. We're partners, right? I help you, you help me?
You will all regret the day you crossed paths with LEX LUTHOR. I'M NOT FINISHED HERE YET! YOU DON'T DIE AS MANY TIMES AS I HAVE IF YOU DON'T HAVE CONNECTIONS WITH *VERY* POWERFUL FRIENDS. I'LL MAKE SURE YOU —
Wha- ? YOU!! NO!
No! I'm not *done* yet! They still hate me! I can't go — you can't take me back — LOIS! Lois, help darling! Only your love has kept me going. I've given up *so* much to be here with you. Don't let them take…
HELP! SUPERMAN!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo….
***
August 1st, 2001:
From: Dr. Gretchen Kelly
Subsurface Hideout
Dear members of the Lois and Clark Message Board.
Please accept my sincere apologies for what you have had to endure these past several weeks. Rest assured that "Lex Luthor" will no longer be harassing you.
As everyone knows, Mr. Luthor's life was tragically cut short when he lost his senses and jumped from his penthouse while running from authorities. We have been tracking this, *imposter* for some time now. His delusional fantasies of actually being the *real* Lex Luthor have never taken this frightening a turn, however.
If anyone was injured or hurt in any way, feel free to file a complaint with Lex Luthor's estate. The monies in that trust have been court-ordered to offer, in some small way, relief for the atrocities that Mr. Luthor committed while he was alive. The sad state of this impersonators mental well-being are, in a sick, twisted way, the result of actions by Mr. Luthor himself.
We have yet to determine how Lex Luthor escaped our ward and care, but we will be working to eliminate any possible future escapes.
(Now, Lex sweetheart, come with us. I know, I know. Yes, they said bad things about you. Yes… yes… I know they weren't convinced. Clark Kent? That's just ridiculous really, isn't it? I know you wanted to do better this time. I do think you are getting better, darling, but these things take time. Shhhhhhh… Let momma send you to dreamland for awhile, then things will be aalll better.)
Dr. Gretchen Kelly, M.D. D.C. D.O. D.P.M. N.D. D.D.S. D.M.D. D.V.M. C.L.S.Center Of Re-animation Programming Services and Empiricism (CORPSE)
***
Epilogue — To Tell The Truth:
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Lex Luthor aka Jeff Brogden
Several weeks ago I was on #lanekent, quietly hanging out as I'm known to do, when Zoomway made the announcement that the member counter on the message boards had just hit 665. Seeing an opportunity I couldn't pass up, I quickly registered Lex Luthor. In my haste, I entered the wrong email address, so I /msg'ed Zoomway and told her what had happened. She laughed about it and sent the approval to the correct spot.
All was not well in ubb land, however. The counter was off by one, so I wasn't really member 666. Zoomway tried to switch the id's of Lex and the person who was really 666, but the heavens forbid it. The gods (ubb tech support) were consulted and the answer was **Don't try that**.
Well, the idea just wouldn't leave my head. So, I downloaded the demo of ubb and dug around in the perl code for awhile to see how it handled it's cookies. When Zoomway tried to switch the two id's, they sort of merged into two unusable logins. Half of each was the other half of the other. Make sense? No? Well, suffice it to say that I was able to edit my cookie file to munge together the proper id for Lex Luthor, member number 666. UBB accepted this munged cookie and I posted my messages.
Yesterday, I was hanging out on #lanekent again, watching as everyone tried to figure out who Lex really was. I just sat there. I knew I had a fatal weakness, and that if it was discovered, I would be exposed. Much to my horror, Wendy touched upon it!
quote:
<Wendyafk> his spelling/grammer is better than Lex's
<Laurie> but he's clever enough to think of that as a disguise
<Wendyafk> well, someone email him and ask! <g>
<Wendyafk> but I think his writing is more sophisticated than that.
<ann> but he is capable of dumbing down his writing. He wrote on the badfic, remember?
<Wendyafk> he wouldn't write this:
<Wendyafk> Particular disturbing is the content of the stories' Charade
<Wendyafk> two glaring mistakes here
<Laurie> no, lex is very sophisticated and i'd expect him to be grammatically pefect
<Wendyafk> …it's nothing to do with Charade. It's the incorrect apostrophe
<ann2> and particular instead of particularly
<Wendyafk> Lex is using US dashes — instead of -
<Wendyafk> and the other thing about Lex is his failure to use hyphens; UK writers normally get those right
<Wendyafk> Ann: over zealous imaginations
<Wendyafk> missing hyphen there
Yikes! I had to stay quiet! I knew if I said anything, it would attract unwanted attention to myself. I tried **so very hard** to make sure my spelling and grammer were up to par. I even used a word processor with a spell checker and a grammer checker, which I never use. The first mistake (particular) was a typo, and the second one, (the apostrophe) the word processor actually told me to put that there!
Then, to my horror, I found my hands typing the following:
quote:
maybe you should GE for Lex Wendy.
I knew it was a mistake as soon as I hit return. Sure enough, Wendy wondered if I was Lex. I remained silent. After about five more minutes of having Wendy and Co. blast my grammar ruthlessly, she noticed I hadn't denied it. At this point, I didn't know whether to cry or die from laughter. Now, I could have lied. But being a Clark Kent at heart, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just sat there. Everyone began yelling at me (WHICH LOOKS LIKE THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT BEFORE).
quote:
DID YOU POST THOSE MESSAGES?!
So I did the only thing I could do. Will the **real** Lex Luthor please stand up?
/nick jwb
LexLuthor is now known as jwb
Sorry, Ariana. You've gone through so much trouble to get out of prison, only to find out your true love is a fraud. You've done such a masterful job, however, I almost took you in myself.
So there you go! It was sure fun while it lasted, and I never would have thought everyone was going to jump on the band wagon like that. I think you people pulled just about everyone I can think of out of the hat on this one! Then again, I knew you were all a very creative bunch.
Take care, hope no one got hurt over this!
/nick LexLuthor
Lex Luthor
***
July 27th, 2001
From: Ariana Carlin aka Irene Dutch
Jeff, is that you?? Not my darling Lex?
Oh well. I have to admit that I'm not that disappointed being happily married and everything.
When I saw your post followed by one from 'Nigel', I couldn't resist. What a lot of fun this has been!
So, if we're unveiling identities, I guess it's time for me to do the same thing. I think at this point only Wendy and Labrat know but
/nick Irene
Did I fool you?
/nick Ariana Carlin
For one last time, Lex, I remain,
Your loving Ariana
***
July 29th, 2001:
From: Jimmy Olsen
Metro
Aha! Two people snuffed out!
I'm still digging in to the others …
Have to go, Lois needs some other research …
Outta here,
Jimmy
***
July 29th, 2001
From: Nigel St. John
Penthouse Suite, Luxor Hotel
Confession, some misguided fool apparently once said, is good for the soul. Since I have no use for a soul, however, confession has rarely held any thrill for me.
However…
Returning from my vacation to London, I have been appalled to find some crass individual using my name to hound my esteemed employer.
*This* miscreant should certainly confess, or they might find their soul in supreme jeopardy before too much time has elapsed.
I shall expect and await the retraction from this imposter — and the restoration of my good name unsullied — with (limited) patience.
Very limited.
Nigel St. John.
***
July 29th, 2001:
From: LabRat
Scotland
Ow! Ow! Okay, okay…uncle!
Geez…Nigel, you need to hire yourself a slightly less muscle- bound ape to do your…persuading.
Ow!
Sorry…did I say ape? Slip of the tongue.
Yes, okay, I'm doing it! I'm doing it now! You can put down that tire iron. Eeesh.
Sigh…okay, I confess. I was unfortunately misguided enough to attempt to fool Mr. Luthor into thinking I was Nigel. It seemed a good idea at the time.
Ow!
Okay, okay…I'm *getting* to the point already!
I'm very, very, *very*, humbly sorry, Mr. St. John and Mr. Luthor. I don't know what came over me and I promise abjectly to never, ever, *ever* do it again. Honest. I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself. I really am.
There. You want to call off the dogs now?
Ow!
Did I say dog? I meant intelligent, handsome person holding the mallet.
You want to call him off now, Mr. St. John?
Hello? Mr. St. John? You are going to call him off now…aren't you? Yoohoo? Hello?
LabRat
***
July 30th, 2001:
From: Monique/Mrs. Cox/Nell Newtrich/Lucille Newtrich/Gene Newtrich aka Supermom
I've been away all weekend and I am finally getting to all the messages posted in the last few days.
Awwwwwww gee! Do we *really* have to confess?
/nick Monique
Actually the psychiatric hospital is quite nice. They even serve tea and raisin scones every afternoon at 4:00.
/nick Mrs. Cox
Well, the Metropolis Women's Prison isn't.
/nick Nell Newtrich
I think I'm in love with this Mr. Tarkas fellow. He not only admires my intelligence, but he thinks I'm pretty too. <swoon>
/nick Lucille Newtrich
Didn't I tell all of you how stupid Nell was? But I didn't need to waste my breath. She just told you herself.
/nick Gene Newtrich
Hey…I was just doing my job for LexCorp when I found that red stuff. And I take no responsibility for my sisters' actions.
/nick Supermom
Whoa! Talk about your multiple personalities!
It's been fun!
Supermom
***
July, 30th, 2001:
From: Kal-El, Last Son of Krypton
Currently in Metropolis, but I'm frequently in lots of different places
Well, since everyone else is revealing their deep, dark secrets…
I, Kal-El, Last Son of Krypton, am, in actuality…
***
July 30th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Smallville, KS
I bet you all thought I was going to say me… didn't you!!!
Well, you're only half right, because in actuality, it's…
***
July 30th, 2001:
From: Kraz
Ohio
Me!!!!!
Did I fool anyone?
Kraz
***
August 1st, 2001:
From: Tempus
Being kidnapped by a dead author…
Okay, okay, okay… You want my permission? YES!! OKAY! I give in, all right? You can let go of my ear now, Herb! And turn off that phaser, too — it's giving me a headache!
Okay, now that I've done what you wanted, just shoot me, please? Don't make me go back to that place…
Herb!! Have some pity…
Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
***
And one last thought from an old friend, in response to LabRat's suggestion and request that these missives might be amalgamated into The Lex Letters and uploaded to the Archive:
***
July 30th, 2001:
From: H G Wells
Dystopia
By all means! I strongly encourage the art of writing. I myself have written several tomes in the past. A perusal of your local bookstore will, I'm sure, be of great interest.
If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, perhaps you might care to include Mr. Kent's previous missives, located on your old message boards? I must confess that I had a little to do with that as well. Time machines are infinitely adaptable, I must say!
Do enjoy yourselves, my dear FOLCs!
Herb
***
And all we can say to that is…look out for The Clark Letters, coming to an Archive near you soon! ;)
THE END
…for now…
***
Cast of Characters (in order of appearance ;) ):
Lex Luthor — Jeff Brogden
Nigel St. John — LabRat
Ariana Carlin — Irene Dutch
Mrs. Cox — Supermom
Kal-El — Kraz
Asabi — Wendy Richards
Mrs. Lane — Laura
Jaxon — Missy Gallant
Monique — Supermom
H. G. Wells
Tempus
Jimmy Olsen — Anne Ciotola
Clark Kent/Lois Lane — Yvonne Connell
Nell Newtrich — Supermom
Inspector Henderson — NicNacs aka Nicki
Mxyzptlk — Tasha
Dr. Klein — Zoomway
Lucille Newtrich — Supermom
Gene Newtrich — Supermom
Dr. Gretchen Kelly — Jeff Brogden
And, as themselves, the FoLCs of Zoomway's message boards:
Vicki
Wendy
Hypatia
ChiefPam
Tarkas