Outrageous Intentions

By Tank Wilson <TankW1@aol.com>

Rated PG-13

Submitted May 2000

Summary: Starting out with the intimate conversation in the episode "Virtually Destroyed," this fanfic veers off "into a twilight zone of illogic and the absurd." A funny what-if.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The following was just a little throw away vignette, given to the folks on Zoomway's board as a Valentine. We start out with a certain intimate conversation seen on the episode "Virtually Destroyed" and veer off into a twilight zone of illogic and the absurd. Please don't hold me too close to proper character motivations. This is for fun.

All characters trademarked and copyrighted to their respective owners. All feedback encouraged at TankW1@aol.com


It was a typical sidewalk cafe. One you'd see often, with a few tidy, blue clothed tables and a view of the Metropolis traffic, both vehicular and pedestrian. It was a sunny day and the young couple seated at one of the compact tables were enjoying the remainder of their lunch.

Lois Lane slurped the last of her thick chocolate malt from the tall glass while an astonished Clark Kent looked on.

"I feel much better." Lois said as she set down the now empty glass and looked up into the face of her fiancee'. "You want anything else?"

"Just watching made me full."

"I'm not full at all," she giggled self-consciously. "It's weird." Her contented mood quickly sobered. "Anyway, here's what's been bugging me. The other night I was thinking about all of my past relationships, and so what I did was make a list of all the positive ones and all the negative ones."

"And?" Clark encouraged.

"And they all ended up in the negative column, especially my last one with Lex."

"Ouch!" Clark grimaced.

"Yeah," she replied with a heavy sigh.

Clark favored Lois with one of his killer smiles. "But now you have me, so none of that matters."

"Oh, Clark." They clasped hands and Lois kissed his fingers.

They stared into each other's eyes for a few moments letting their love be communicated wordlessly through their eyes. Lois had to shake herself free of the spell. She wanted to get this out in the open. She needed to finish this conversation with Clark.

"My point is that, I've worked through a lot of my fears — a, a lot…" she hesitated briefly, "except maybe one. And, and it's not really a fear, it's actually more of a concern about — that one thing."

Clark seized upon her statement. "Actually you bring up a good point, because we've never really talked about our pasts."

"Right!" She jumped in enthusiastically. "Right exactly, and — ah," Lois moved her chair closer to Clark. "Well, I just wanted you to know, why I'm a little skittish — about crossing the intimacy threshold, and you've been so understanding that I thought that, maybe, you were a little skittish too?" Her tone was hopeful.

Clark seemed a little uneasy. "Well, my experience had been a little different."

"Uh um."

"I'm a little different."

Lois nodded, not quite understanding where this was going. "Sure."

"I mean… I've had girl friends, I've dated, but — that — thing, the intimacy threshold, the *big* threshold." They shared some nervous laughter; Clark sighed before continuing. "I've never really crossed it." Lois' face blanked. "I've, I've stepped right up and taken a good look."

"Oh my god." Lois couldn't look Clark in the face.

"Lois, I'm not from here. So I'm always asking myself, do I belong? Am I really supposed to have a life here?"

"Oh my god!" Lois looked about her as if seeking an escape.

"Lois, are you listening?" Clark entreated. "Cause I'm kind of pouring my heart out here."

Lois returned her attention to Clark. "Oh I'm sorry — I, I'm sorry, I'm just a little… " She suddenly stood. "Could we walk?"


Lois quickly started off down the street. Hastily throwing some money on the table, Clark hurried after her. They strolled side by side as Lois gathered her thoughts. Her hands animated her distressed mood.

"So what you're saying is you're a vir — vi — a very patient man."

"Lois, I needed to be sure." His earnestness was evident. "I needed to meet the one person I could share everything with."

"No, I admire the way that you dealt with this." Her hands were never still as she alternated between wringing them and making aimless gestures. "I just also feel a little… "


"I just wish that you had told me." Exasperation crept into her voice. "This is big!"

"I didn't exactly know how to bring it up"

Lois plunged ahea, not really hearing Clark's response. "I mean it already adds a lot of pressure to a situation that had plenty of pressure."

Clark stopped her. "Lois, there is no pressure because, I'm sure that I've made the right choice." He gave her a crooked little smile. "You are the person that I've waited for."

Lois frowned. "I just wish I'd waited too."

"No, no, no." Clark responded.

"Well, I do." Her voice became chagrined. "Especially since they were practically federal disasters."

Clark shook his head. "Well, don't think of it that way." He grinned. "I'll be your first non-federal disaster, and you'll be my… "

"No, I can't do this!" Lois pulled away from Clark and hurried away down the walk.

"Lo-is." Clark quickly caught up with her and pulled her over to a nearby bus bench, where they sat. "What's the problem now?"

Lois took a deep breath. "You don't understand the pressure this puts me under. You have no frame of reference. What if my lovemaking disgusts you?"

Clark shook his head at his overly emotional fiancee. "Lois, I can't possibly be disgusted by anything that involves you. I love you." He gave her a smile. "Besides, as you say, I have no frame of reference. Making love to you will define love making for me and I know it will be wonderful."

Her eyes grew wider as he talked. "See, that's exactly what I mean! You only have your expectations." She clenched her fists and stared at the ground. "Clark, you are a gentle and compassionate person. I know you are also a hopeless romantic. How can I compete with the poetic ideals you have probably fabricated about what love and sex should be." Another sigh escaped from her lips.

Clark put his arm around Lois. "Lois, I think you are worrying about nothing. I can't imagine anything being better than making love to you."

Lois jumped up. "See, that's what I mean." Lois mood changed from agitated to thoughtful in the blink of an eye. "No, we need to demystify sex for you." Lois looked up into Clark's face, a thoughtful frown on her face. "No, I'm afraid the only solution is, we're going to have to get you laid."

"What? Lois!"

Lois wandered off down the street and began talking to herself as much as to Clark. "It should be someone you know, none of those professional floozies. You never know where they've been. It's too bad Cat's not still around. She'd do it in a minute, and call it a wedding present." Lois shook her head. "No, it's a good thing she's not here. I wouldn't want Clark to be subject to anything too weird, too early."

Also, Lois thought to herself, Cat might just be a little too good at it, and Lois wanted to make sure it was with someone she was confident she could compete with. She had found another bus bench, and sat down, all the while chewing on her lip and muttering to herself.

"It's too bad Mayson died, she liked Clark." Meanwhile Clark had caught back up with Lois, she turned to him as he sat. "What about Alice, her and Perry aren't together now. I'm sure she'd like some company."


Lois shook her head. "No, you're right. That's too sick. Help me out here. Are there any gals at the Planet that you've been the least bit curious about?"

Clark couldn't help it. He stroked his chin as if thinking it over. "Well, there is that one little blonde in composing."

Lois came instantly to attention her voice held a suspicious note. "Who? Who is it, what's her name?"

Clark chuckled and put his arm around Lois' shoulders. "Lois, I'm just kidding. You have to know that the minute I set eyes on you, for all intents and purposes, all other women faded into insignificance."

Lois stroked his cheek. "That's so sweet." She gave his cheek a little pat. "How about any past girlfriends from Smallville. There's Rachel, but no, she seems a bit too needy. Any others?" Lois saw Clark drop his head into his hands. "Clark?"

He looked up at her. "There was only one other girl that I ever dated much in high school, Lana Lang. But we never hit it off really well. She was always concerned about her image and how anything we did would reflect on how others saw her."

Lois smiled. "She sounds perfect. Is she married?"

"I don't know, and I don't care." Clark grabbed Lois' hands. "Lois, I have no interest in 'test flying' anyone else to satisfy your twisted little scenario here. I am and always have been in love with you and only you and I won't sleep with anyone else just to please you." Clark frowned. "Did that sound as stupid as I thought it did?" He shook it off. "Besides, Lois, everyone knows that Clark Kent and Lois Lane are engaged to be married and as such no one would want to do what you suggest under those conditions."

Lois smirked. "Oh, I think you'd be surprised there flyboy." Lois, jumped up. "That's it!" She turned to Clark her mood suddenly animated again. "You're right, Clark Kent can't go around seducing someone when he's an engaged man. But Superman can." She began to pace around the bench. "Heck, as Superman you could have your pick of virtually any woman in the world. She'd have to single of course. Superman couldn't be seen courting a married woman."

Once Lois came around in front of him again, Clark reached out and pulled her into his lap. "Lois, listen to yourself. Now you are suggesting that Superman lead some poor woman on, just so he can get his jollies? I couldn't do something like that even if you weren't in the picture."

She leaned her forehead against his. "What do we do then?"

He laughed. "I guess you'll just have to get used to the idea that I only have room in my life for one special woman. That discovering everything there is to know, and I mean *know*, about her is what I plan to spend the rest of my life doing. Don't think of yourself as being my first, Lois. Remember instead, that you are going to be my *only*, and I wouldn't want it any other way."

Anything Lois might have had to say was silenced by Clark crushing his lips against hers as he sought to convey without words all those things he had been trying to tell her. Unfortunately the tender tableau was interrupted by the screeching of tires as a seemingly out of control yellow taxi cab came squealing around the corner. It soon became apparent that the speeding vehicle was headed directly toward them. Clark grabbed Lois around the waist and attempted unsuccessfully to levitate.

"I can't fly. Run!"


(and so we slide back into the third season episode of "Virtually Destroyed)

Happy Valentine's Day to all the Gentle Readers