Once Upon a (Weird) Birthday

By Molly <MPSL27@aol.com>

Rated PG

Submitted April 1999

Summary: Clark finally gets his birthday party … but this time, it's not a surprise.

A sequel to "Happy (Weird) Birthday, Clark!"


Once upon a time, it was just another day at the Daily Planet. Everyone was hard at work…everyone, that is, except for Jimmy and Perry, who were secretly plotting.

Hey, Chief," Jimmy whispered. "Have you called the caterer for CK's birthday party?"

"I did it last week," Perry replied.

"This is going to be the best party ever!" Jimmy said.

"I hope so, Son."

Clark heard everything. He narrowed his eyes and looked in Jimmy and Perry's direction. The weasels! he thought. I specifically told them I did not want a surprise party this year!



"Do you know anything about a surprise party for me?"

"I know about a party," Lois said. "But…it's not a surprise."

"A party. For me?"

"No, for Santa Claus. Of course, for you!"

"But, Lois, if I didn't know about it, then it was, technically, a surprise."

"I didn't know you didn't know about it."

"Well how did you expect me to find out?"

"Same as last year, I guess."

"A surprise," Clark muttered. "Great. Just great."

Lois looked hurt. "Come on, Honey! We have to throw you a party! It's tradition!"

"All right, I'm sorry. But you *know* I always dread these things, like you'd probably dread going to the dentist to have a cavity filled."

Lois gave him a Look. "Come on. It won't be that bad!"

"Won't be that bad!? Lois, last year it took us a week to get the apartment clean, after the cake fight that no on will take responsibility for. We had to hire professional cleaners, remember? And the gifts I got, now *those* were…"

"What were you saying about birthday gifts, CK?" Jimmy said, appearing out of nowhere.

"Just that I got some *wonderful* gifts last year, Jimbo," Clark lied.

Jimmy smiled proudly. "Yeah, well, there's more where they came from."

"Lucky me."

"You know what would be cool?"


"If you made a birthday list!" Jimmy cried. "That way, people would know what kind of stuff you want."

The idea didn't sound too bad to Clark. "Okay, I just might do that."

"Great!" Jimmy exclaimed. "Okay, get me the list by tomorrow, and I'll fax it to all the guests."

"All the guests? How many people are coming?" Clark wanted to know.

"Oh, only fifty or sixty of your closest friends."

"Jimmy, I don't have fifty *or* sixty close friends."

"You will after the party!"

Clark looked at Lois. She shrugged, as if to say "Don't look at me! I had nothing to do with this party. Sure, I knew about it. Sure, I said they could hold it at our place. And sure, I bought a new outfit. But other than that, I don't know anything…"

Perry walked up. "Hey, folks," he said, nibbling on a peach. "Do I hear us discussing party plans?"

"What's with the peach?" Lois asked.

"Aw, well Alice has got me on this new health kick."

"Aha," Jimmy said, smiling knowingly. "Good for you. Peaches are good for the ears."

"Actually, I heard they were good for the eyes," Lois said.

"Eh, whatever," Perry said. "Now did I hear you discussing party plans?"

Jimmy nodded.

"Shame on you. What does this look like, Party Planning Central? This is the Daily Planet! Get back to work! We have a newspaper to get out!"

Lois smiled at Clark. "Aren't you glad you have such great friends?" she asked.

"Yeah, they're really…something."

Clark went back to his desk, and started working on a birthday list. It looked like this…



[] Ties [] A new toothbrush…one of those ones with the ridged bristles, so I can get in-between my teeth. [] Pencils…the kinds with the little rubber grips. [] A new Scotch tape dispenser


The day of Clark's party seemed to come way too quickly for Clark, who wore a smile all day, even when he was sick of people congratulating him on making it to 33.

The party started at seven. Jimmy brought his pet chihuaha. When Jimmy came in the door, he set Chinese Checkers down, and the little chihuaha immediately ran over to Clark, and started nipping at his shoes.

"Hey!" Clark yelled.

"Now, CC," Jimmy scolded. "Don't bite Clark's shoes."

CC barked.

"CC says 'Why shouldn't I?'," Jimmy translated. Jimmy looked straight at the dog. "Because," Jimmy said to the dog. "Clark here is the birthday boy." Jimmy looked apogetically at Clark. "CC says he didn't know," Jimmy said. "He sends his apologies."

Lois stared at Jimmy. "Are you saying you understand dog language?"

"It's called Barkanese," Jimmy said. "And yes."

Lois just about died laughing.

"What's so funny?" Jimmy demanded.

"Um, nothing. Why don't you set your present down over there?" Lois suggested. Jimmy obeyed. Then he sat on the couch and told CC to jump on his lap. CC did.

Lucy was already sitting on the couch. She raised her eyebrow at Jimmy. "Nice dog," she said.

"Thanks," said Jimmy. "He's not just any ordinary dog."

"Right. I heard. He can speak Doganese."

Jimmy looked hurt. "Fine, then. I won't tell you what makes my dog so special."

"Good!" said Lucy. "Because I didn't want to know."

"Yes you did!"

"I did not!"

"Wanna bet?!" Jimmy yelled.

"Before you start sticking your tongues out at each other and tattling to your mommies," Lois broke in, before a cat fight could start. "Why don't you have some punch?" Lois handed each of them a glass.

"Oooh, I don't know, Lois," Lucy said, glancing sideways at Jimmy. "Is Jimmy, here, old enough to have alcohol?"

Jimmy glared at Lucy. "Ha, ha," he said. "For your information, I'm 25. Or am I 24?" He looked at his fingers for help. "I used to know, but it's all become a blur."

"You're warped," Lucy told Jimmy.

Jimmy started to cry. "I'm going home!" he cried.

"Wait!" Clark said, stopping Jimmy at the door. "Come on, Jimbo…stay! Who else will be our offical deejay when it's time for music? And I haven't even opened your present yet…"

Jimmy sniffed. "Okay, I'll stay. But…keep me away from *her*," he said, pointing to Lucy.

Lucy just sat there, smiling sweetly.

"Okay, okay," Clark said.

Perry whistled. "All right, everyone, listen up! I would like to propose a toast."

Lois looked at Clark. They smiled at each other.

"Here's to you, Clark," Perry said, holding up his glass of punch. "May you successfully live another year. So we can do this again next year!" he added, punching Clark lightly on the arm.

"I'll drink to that!" Ralph called out.

"You'll drink to anything," Diane muttered.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Jimmy, who was over by the door, still trying to avoid Lucy, answered it. The man at the door looked vaguely familiar…

Lois screamed and ran into the kitchen.

Jimmy looked startled. "What?"

"Hey, Jimmy O," the man at the door said.

Clark coughed. "Scardino. What are you doing here?"

Dan Scardino tossed a present at Clark and sauntered into the living room. He saw an empty spot on the couch, next to Lucy, and claimed the spot as his own.

"What are you doing here?" Clark demanded, handing the present to Jimmy, who put it with the others.

"I was invited," Scardino said.

"Who invited you?"

Jimmy cleared his throat loudly. "Clark, I think I might be able to explain. Um, you see…I had Ralph go through Lois's Roladex, and we just invited everyone that was in there."

"Which explains why Bobby Bigmouth and William Wallace Webster Walldecker are here," Clark muttered.

Lois came out of the kitchen in time to hear Jimmy's explanation. "I wondered who took my Roladex," she said. "Jimmy, I rarely even use that. Half of the people in there are either sources of mine, or they're in jail. Or they're dead."

"Which explains why some of them never RSVP'd."

Poor Jimmy. He didn't know any better. Lois looked around at all the guests…Dr. Klein was over by the window. Linda King was talking to Joe and Debbie Malloy. And Dan Scardino was sitting just a little too close to Lucy, Lois thought.

"Lucy, I need you in the kitchen," Lois said, grabbing Lucy's arm an snatching her away from the clutches of 'Please, call me Daniel' Scardino.

"Hey, I was talking to that guy!" Lucy complained.

"Trust me, Luce, you don't want to talk to that guy. I dated him. He's…well, he's sweet and all, but he's a major dork."

"Darnit, Lois, why are all men dorks?"

"Clark's not,"

"No," said Lucy. "He's the exception. And you have him! What's left for me?"

"What about Jimmy?" Lois asked.

"Jimmy and I dated before, remember? Although, come to think of it, he looks a lot different than he did when he dated. He looks like a completely different person!"

"Well, I think he dyed his hair."

"He did more than dye his hair, he…oh, never mind. Lois, you just don't get it. He may be my age, but guys are just so immature at this age!"

"Lucy, you've been saying that since you were twelve. You're twenty-seven!"

"And I'll still be saying it when I'm nintety-seven," Lucy said.

Lois rolled her eyes. This was hopeless. She went back to the living room, and Lucy followed her.

As soon as they got in there, Perry announced, "It's time for presents!"

Everyone cheered and cleared a spot on one of the couches for Clark. Clark actually wasn't worried about what he was going to get this year. After all, he'd written a list. Jimmy had faxed. He would get exactly what he wanted, and everything would be okay, right?


"Gee, Lucy, thanks for the nice…the nice…"

"It's half of a rabbits' foot, glued to a horse shoe," Lucy said, as if it were totally obvious. "For good luck!"

"Oh…wow. I sure need it…"

Perry gave Clark a tie and a Scotch Tape dispenser. Why was it that Perry was the only one who could stick to the list, and get normal presents for people?

"Thanks, Chief," Clark said, genuinely smiling.

Jimmy gave Clark something from his list too: the toothbrush.

Unfortunately, Ralph, Hank, and Carl had all gotten toothbrushes for Clark as well. "No problem," Clark said. "I'll never run out!"

"Or," Jimmy said, a light bulb snapping on in his brain. "You could use all four of them at once!"

"How is he supposed to do that?" Lucy demanded. "He only has two hands!"

"He has Lois," Jimmy reminded Lucy.

"Jimmy, you are such a dork!"

"Well, I'm glue and your rubber! Whatever you say bounces of me and sticks to you like flubber."

"I rest my case," Lucy muttered.

"Kids," Lois warned. "Behave!"

"Sorry," Jimmy and Lucy said in unison.

Angela got Clark a Furby. Diane got Clark a can of fruit cocktail and a musical pot holder.

An hour later, Clark managed to escape to the kitchen. Lois followed him. He heard her come into the room, and he turned around and smiled. "Boy, am I glad to see you," he said.

"How are you holding up?" she asked.

"I'll be okay," Clark said, grinning.

Lois recognized that look Clark got when there was trouble. "What do you hear?" she asked.

"I hear…kissing!"

"Oh no, a crime. You'd better go bring the perpetrators to justice!"

"Maybe I just will," Clark said, going over to the broom closet and flinging open the door.

Lois gasped. "Jimmy!? Lucy!? What are you two doing in there?"

Their lips broke apart and they looked up guiltily.

"We'll, uh, leave you in peace," Clark said, shutting the closet door. When they were back in the living room, Clark burst out laughing.

"Who would have thought…" Lois said.

Clark just shook his head.

Perry had put on an "Elvis' Greatest Hits" CD and was showing off his favorite Elvis moves. Scardino watched with interest.

"Perry," Scardino said, "that's great, but you're just not shaking your knees enough. Give it some more energy!"

"Excuse me? Are you saying you know more about Elvis than I do?" Perry challenged.

"No, I'm saying you're no Elvis, that's all."

"What do you mean I'm not Elvis!?"

"Well, of *course* you're not Elvis," Scardino laughed. "Elvis is dead!"

Scardino left the party with two black eyes and a head wound. Perry's fist hurt for several days afterwards. And Lois and Clark were going to have to call the carpet cleaners…again.

At long last, everyone went home. Clark put some of his gifts away. The rest, he bagged for GoodWill. Then he and Lois went upstairs.

"So," Clark said, as they were getting ready for bed. "Let's make it official. Was this party weirder than last years'?"


"Good, at least we're in agreement. What did *you* get me for my birthday?"

Lois just smiled. "Boy, wouldn't you like to know."

"I would."

"Then come over here, Pal."

Clark did. Lois grabbed Clark's pajama collar and pulled him towards her. She kissed him passionately. The kiss lasted almost a minute. When they finally came up for air, Lois smiled at Clark. "Happy birthday," she whispered.