By Alicia U. <lxu2@po.cwru.edu>
Rated PG
Submitted February 1999
Summary: Lois and Clark on The Newlywed Game? Bring on the prizes!
(revised April 2004)
***
"You've got to be kidding, Perry!"
Clark Kent stopped in his tracks. His ears perked up when he heard his partner's agitated voice. He didn't even need Superhearing to know where she was.
Perry's office.
And she looked absolutely furious!
She and Perry were engaged in an animated discussion — which could be heard throughout the newsroom. In fact, a large group of other reporters had gathered in front of Perry's door to watch the fireworks unfold.
"Great shades of Elvis, Lois, you can't back out of this. I've already committed you two."
You two? Oh no! This didn't bode well for Clark. Not at all.
"I can't believe this Perry!" She stomped around in a circle. "This is crazy! We are not going to do this! You can't make us!"
More 'we'. More 'us'.
He was definitely involved, and it was way too late for him to back out.
"Lois!" The editor took a deep breath. His voice took on a menacing tone when he said, "If you don't do this you're fired!"
Lois looked strangely unfazed.
This was escalating to a point where Clark felt he had to intervene — lest he and his wife both would lose their jobs!
He knocked on Perry's open office door and cleared his throat.
"Clark!" his wife exclaimed, her face full of relief seeing him.
He kissed her cheek softly, and said, "Hey, honey." He nodded to Perry. "Chief."
She grabbed Clark's hand and pulled him into the office. "You'll never guess what Perry is trying to make us do! It's horrible."
He looked at Perry and shrugged. "I have no idea, honey."
"The Newlywed Show!"
"The Newlywed Show?" Was that what it sounded like?
"A game show! Perry wants us to go on a game show!"
"A game show?" Clark mimicked. He wasn't exactly sure what he should say. Part of him thought it would be kind of interesting, but most of him knew that he should not cross Lois — no matter what.
"It's a big promotion," Perry interjected. "They're using celebrity couples as contestants, and the show's producers called me this morning and asked if the two of you would be one of the couples."
"Really?" Clark said, interested and intrigued.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Lois was shooting daggers at him.
Whoops.
Perry smiled, almost like he knew Clark would be the one who found the idea interesting. "It's for charity. Any money you win will be donated in your name to the charity of your choice, but you get to keep the prizes."
Lois looked at Clark and said, "We'll make fools of ourselves! We do *not* want to go on this show."
"I don't know," Clark said warily. "It might be fun?" It was more a nervous question than a statement.
"What! Clark! You're supposed to be on my side."
"I know. I *am*. I just … " He let his voice trail off. "It might be fun," he nearly whispered.
"You've go to be kidding me! Clark, are you sick?" She mock felt his forehead. "You can't be serious. Do you really want to be humiliated on national television!"
"National television?"
"Not *national* television," Perry interjected. "It's just a local version of the show using local celebrities."
"See, honey. It's not national."
"Big deal."
"Come on, honey," Clark pleaded. "I think it might be fun. Plus, it's for charity."
Lois sighed deeply. "Fine! We'll do it." Then she stormed out of the editor's office dramatically.
Clark shot Perry an apologetic look, and followed his wife, knowing he was in for it.
Lois was not at all happy. But she would get over it.
Eventually.
Until then, he would have to live with the consequences.
***
6:45.
"Fifteen minutes, people!" a loud, annoying, masculine voice shouted.
That meant just fifteen minutes until the cameras rolled!
No one told her it was going to be a live show. In front of an audience.
She had been duped!
And now here she was getting her makeup done by some man she didn't even know, waiting for the chance to humiliate herself on some stupid game show.
How had she gotten into this predicament?
Clark.
He was in a different dressing room, so she couldn't even talk to him. It was probably so they couldn't strategize before the show.
Oh Clark.
She should be mad at him. But she wasn't. Stupid love. It always seemed to work against her anger.
He had convinced her that this was a good idea. But for the life of her, she couldn't remember his reasons.
Oh right.
He wanted to go on television as Clark. Every time he had been on television before, he had been in the Suit. He wanted to go on television as Clark rather than Superman.
And how could she really deny him?
No, it wasn't Clark's fault. It was Perry's fault. And probably Jimmy's, although she still wasn't sure what he had done.
***
Meanwhile, Perry White and Jimmy Olsen sat in the audience listening to the pompous director's instructions.
"Welcome to 'The Newlywed Show' ladies and gentlemen. Before we go on the air, we have to set down a few ground rules. Number one, NEVER shout out answers to the contestants."
Perry turned to Jimmy and said, "Son, this is going to be great."
"Tell me about it," the younger man said jovially.
"Number two, whenever a sign flashes above your head, follow it exactly."
"Judas priest, do they think we're a bunch of mindless drones?"
"Actually, Chief … "
"Finally, number three, and most important, have a great time. Okay, now let's practice the signs."
"Great shades of Elvis. They've got to be kidding."
A red sign flashed, APPLAUSE. The audience roared.
"No, Chief, I don't think they're kidding."
The director said, "See it's as easy as that! Now everyone have a great time! Remember to follow the three rules!"
Jimmy turned to his boss and said, "I can't wait to see Lois and Clark up there!"
"Neither can I, son. Neither can I."
***
6:50.
Ten minutes.
Ten minutes.
Only ten minutes!
It was way too late to back out. And she couldn't see any way to escape.
Trapped.
They had to be herded into a little room behind the stage, listening in rapt attention to this mousey little director man who seemed to think he was funny or god or something.
Four couples.
Yes, they all knew the rules. It wasn't like the game was hard.
Clark wrapped his arms around Lois's stomach. He probably knew she was plotting her escape.
"In a few minutes you will be introduced by our announcer Larry Berry. After you hear your name, walk across the stage to your assigned love seat. Okay, does anyone have any questions?"
No one opened their mouths. This little guy would probably just cut them off anyway. It didn't seem like he liked to be interrupted. "Good luck everyone. I hope you all win a lot of money for your charities."
6:55.
Five minutes until doomsday.
Or else they had to go out on stage.
She might prefer doomsday.
Why did Clark look so calm?
She was nervous enough for both of them. But still …
Why did Clark have to be so calm?
She was practically trembling.
"Honey, what's wrong?" he whispered into her ear.
"I'm terrified!" There wasn't much that frightened Lois Lane, but making a fool of herself was one of them.
"I'm scared, too," he admitted. He pulled her close, and planted a series of soft kisses on her cheek.
She turned in his arms to kiss him, but before she could, Larry Berry started his introductions.
7:00. Right on the button.
"Welcome to 'The Newlywed Show', the show that shows our couples just how much they know about each other and their lives together." He paused and flashed a brilliant, toothy grin right at the camera. "This week is celebrity newlywed week, and all the money our couples win will be donated to the charity of their choice. Now, here come the newlyweds."
That was their cue. No turning back now. Oh no.
"First, married 8 months, he's from '75 Minutes,' and she's from 'Top Copy,' Mark and Louisa Stevens."
Mark, a tall, ruggedly handsome, thirty-something man, and Louisa, a small, red-haired woman walked across the stage as the crowd cheered. They settled in their large, green love seat.
"Our second couple will be married 1 year next Tuesday. He's an anchor for PM LNN, and she's the star of LBC's 'Morning', David and Angela Robards."
David, a muscular, African American man, and Angela, a beautiful African American woman with a pretty smile, walked across the stage holding hands as the crowd cheered. Angela waved at the crowd, and they settled in to their red loveseat.
"Our third couple has been married for 2 months, and is known as 'The Hottest Team in Town'. From the 'Daily Planet', Lois Lane and Clark Kent."
Clark grabbed Lois' hand and pulled her across the stage towards their orange loveseat. Lois looked into the audience and saw Perry and Jimmy in the front row cheering the loudest of anyone.
Lois and Clark sat down and Clark squeezed his wife's hand. He whispered, "Don't worry honey. It will be okay. We'll do fine."
Larry Berry introduced the final couple, "And, last but not least, married 6 months, he is from 'Marko, Ace Detective', and she is from 'A Comedy Hour', Jane Michaels and Mario Menendez."
Jane, a tall woman with blond curly hair, and Mario, a short, dark-haired, Hispanic man, walked across the stage amid cheers and sat down in the final pink loveseat.
"Now here's the star of 'The Newlywed Show', the man who knows all the secrets of marriage, Guy Smiles."
Guy ran onstage and slapped hands with all the contestants. He was a tall, skinny man in his late 30's.
What a big phony. Slapping hands like they were some kind of sports team. Rah rah rah blah.
Was his smile painted on? What a fake! And that suit! He probably bought it at a thrift store's garage sale!
Smiles ran to his podium, smiled at the camera, and said, "Hi everyone, and welcome to celebrity week here on 'The Newlywed Show!' These four celebrity couples are playing for their favorite charities. Mark and Louisa are playing for the Pediatric AIDS Foundation; David and Angela are playing for the American Cancer Society; Lois and Clark are playing for the Coates Orphanage; and Jane and Mario are playing for the Metropolis Center for Battered Women and Children. All very worthy charities." He nodded dramatically at the camera, and then turned to the couples. "Everyone knows how the game is played. We'll take the women to a sound proof room backstage and ask the men some questions about their married lives. All the wives have to do is match the husbands' answers. Then we'll switch places. All matches are worth $50 for their charities. There will be a bonus question in each round, netting their charities between $100 and $200! Good deal!"
Good deal?
"The Grand Prize for our winning couple is a second honeymoon . .." He trailed off dramatically "In the Bahamas."
Oh, woo hoo, the Bahamas. It wasn't like Clark couldn't fly them there whenever they wanted.
She needed a better attitude.
What, what was that? Oh no. It was time for the women to leave the room.
The women were herded into the little soundproof room behind the stage and they had to wait for their husbands to answer a series of questions.
On stage, Guy Smiles said, "Okay, now that the wives are safely tucked away in their soundproof room, we'll begin the game. Now for our first question: who does your wife think is more attractive: you or Superman? Mark, we'll start with you."
Oh no! Clark was starting to understand why Lois had been so skeptical. This had been a bad idea. Such a bad idea.
Mark said, "Well Guy, my wife loves me, but I know Louisa has had a crush on Superman for a long time — even longer than she's known me — so I think she'll say Superman."
Clark felt his cheeks flush. Bad idea. Bad idea. Bad idea.
"Okay, how about Angela, David?"
"Well, she does think I am attractive, but Superman … he's a god. I can't compare. Heck, *I* think Superman's attractive."
Bad idea. Bad idea. Bad idea.
He should have fought Perry a little harder about this whole idea.
"She told me she thinks he has the best butt in the world, and, quite frankly, she's right, so I think I will have to say Superman."
Clark's cheeks grew a dark shade of crimson. It wasn't only men who ogled him like a piece of meant. Apparently, it was men, too.
The only person he had ever wanted to look at him like that was Lois.
It all made him so uncomfortable. He wasn't a god.
Smiles said, "So Superman is two for two. Clark will you make it unanimous?"
Oh no. It was his turn. What was he going to say?
Clark hesitated. He couldn't compare Clark and Superman. After all, they were the same person! It was like comparing a right hand and a left hand. Was one really better than the other?
"Come on Clark, we don't have all day!"
What was he supposed to say? All he knew was that Lois had been right. Oh so right.
He took a deep breath, and said. "Lois used to have a huge crush on Superman. But I really don't know what she thinks about him any more." His cheeks grew hotter and he physically felt the camera on him. The people out there probably all thought he would say Superman, but he was going to shock them all. "I guess I'll have to say she thinks I'm more attractive."
And that could go either way. It wasn't even lying.
Smiles said, "She must be blinded by love."
Clark shrugged, and nodded. "Guess so."
Smiles had already moved on, "Okay Mario, what about Jane?"
"Um, Janie didn't marry me for my looks, we all know that. So I'll say Superman."
"So, Superman is 3 for 4. Way to go, Big Blue!" Smiles grinned at the camera. "Let's get on to our next question. Who makes more money, you or your wife, and who spends more? You have to match both parts to earn the money. David, you're up."
"Well, I make more money than she does, but she definitely spends more than I do. She goes shopping everyday."
This one wasn't so bad. Maybe he'd made it through the hard question.
"Okay, Clark what about you?"
"Lois is the 'senior partner', so she makes more money than I do. I don't know who spends more," He thought about it for a second.
"Come on, Clark, we need an answer."
"I really don't know. Probably me because I always find myself splurging on gifts and flowers and things like that for her."
"So, you're a hopeless romantic?"
Clark shrugged, and said, "Yeah, I guess so." It was nothing to be ashamed of.
"Moving right along, Mario, it's your turn."
"Jane and I make almost the same amount, but I think she makes a little more than I do. She definitely spends more than I do, though. She always spends at least $200/week on clothes alone."
Were these guys that chauvinistic? It seemed like their wives were just stereotypical women who lived to shop and did nothing else.
Smiles laughed, and said, "Okay, Mark, it's your turn."
"Okay, I make a lot more money than she does, but I also spend a lot more. I like to buy old cars and restore them."
"So, are you a grease monkey there, Mark?"
"Guilty as charged."
Smiles aptly changed the subject, "Now it's time for the first of our bonus questions worth $100 for a correct match. And here we go. The first time you did the wild thing, was it with no reservations, mild reservations, or many reservations?"
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Way too personal.
And of course he had to go first.
No. No. No.
This was the last time he didn't listen to Lois. Last time.
"Clark we'll start with you."
He took a deep breath, and set himself to embarrass himself in front of the whole city.
They had waited a long time — an achingly long time. But, by the time they finally did it, "Neither of us had any reservations," he said absolutely. And it wasn't even too embarrassing.
"Okay, Lois and Clark were totally hot for each other."
Wait! He hadn't said that!
Smiles continued, "Mario, what's your answer."
"Absolutely no reservations."
"Mark, what about you and Louisa?"
"Louisa and I both had some mild reservations," said Mark, and his face turned slightly red in embarrassment.
"David?"
"No reservations whatsoever."
"Okay! That's the end of our first round. Now it's time for a quick break. We'll bring the wives back and see what their answers will be."
Clark wasn't sure if he wanted to see his wife's reaction to some of the questions.
And there she was! There was no turning back.
Lois and the other wives came back on stage and perched on the loveseats next to their husbands.
The director's assistants had written the husband's answers on large pieces of poster board, and placed them on the tables next to the husbands. After they finished, Smiles flashed his pearly whites at the camera and said, "We're back to celebrity week on 'The Newlywed Show.' As you can see, we've brought the wives back, and we'll see if they can match their husbands' answers. The first question was, who do you think is more attractive, your husband or Superman? Louisa, we'll start with you."
"That's easy!" She grinned. "I've had a crush on Superman ever since he first came to Metropolis. Actually, he's the only man I'm allowed to sleep with other than Mark, so I have to say I think he is much more attractive than Mark."
"Mark show her what you said!"
He raised the poster board and Smiles said, "He said Superman! Mark and Luisa get $50 for their charity. Angela, what do you think David said?"
"Dave knows about my complete obsession with Superman. Before we got married, I even had a shrine to him in my apartment."
Clark turned a shade of bright red as she spoke about his alter ego, and Lois looked like a lioness ready to jump out at her prey.
Angela continued, "So I'll have to say Dave is very good looking, but Superman is so much more. No man can compete with the 'Man of Steel'."
"Show everyone what you said, David."
David flipped the poster board and Smiles said, "Superman! Another match. $50 to David and Angela's charity. Now Lois, what do you think Clark said?"
Lois, who was still a feeling little tense, not to mention overprotective of her man from these husband stealing amazons, had to take a deep breath before she was able to speak.
She squeezed Clark's hand, knowing how painful this had to be for him. She didn't even have the urge to rub it in his face that she had been right!
"I used to have a huge crush on Superman, but that was before I fell in love with Clark. Trust me, Clark is so much more than Superman could ever hope to be. I would definitely say Clark is 10 times better looking than Superman."
"Clark what did you predict Lois would say?"
Clark held up his poster board and gave Lois a small peck on the lips as Smiles said, "He said you think he is better looking than Superman is, so we have another match. Lois and Clark's charity receives $50! Jane, what do you think Mario said?"
"I really don't know. I think Superman has one of the best bodies on the planet, but Mario does too." She hesitated. "If I had to choose, I'd have to say Mario is better looking than Superman."
Mario groaned, and Smiles said, "Show her what you said Mario."
He held up his poster board and said, "Janie, I said Superman. There is no way I am better looking than he is."
"Sor-ry, I thought I was paying you a compliment."
Smiles interrupted, "Sorry, Jane, Mario, you don't win any money for your charity with this question. Now on to the next question. This is a two part question, ladies, so you have to match both parts correctly to receive the money for your charity. Angela, we'll start with you. Who makes more money, you or your husband, and who spends more?"
"Well, he makes more money than I do, but he spends more too. He is always buying stupid things that we can never use."
David had an incredulous look on his face and Smiles chuckled a little when he said, "David, why don't you show her what you said."
David flipped his poster board and said "There is no way I spend more money than you do. You buy a new wardrobe every week.'
Angela glared at her husband, and Smiles interrupted before any sparks could fly, "David, Angela you don't get any money this time, but your charity still has $50. Now, Lois, what do you think Clark said?"
Lois grinned; she knew exactly what Clark had said, "I definitely make more money than he does. I'm the senior partner, top banana." She squeezed his thigh. "So I have a higher salary than he does, but he spends more than I do. He's so sweet, always buying me little presents to brighten my day and to tell me how much he loves me."
"Clark, show her what you said."
He flipped the card, smiled, and this time Lois kissed him.
"Now Lois and Clark's charity has $100. Jane, what do you think Mario said?"
"He makes a little more than I do, but I definitely spend more."
Mario groaned, "She's right, I forgot I just got a raise. I do make more than she does."
"That's okay, there's still a lot of game to play. You still don't have any money for your charity, but you can make it up. Louisa, what do you think Mark said?"
"Mark makes more money than I do, but he also spends more. He likes to waste his money on old cars, and fix them up to show them."
"Show her what you said Mark."
Mark flipped his card, he and Louisa kissed, and Smiles said, "Great! After two questions Lois and Clark and Mark and Louisa are tied for the lead with $100, David and Angela aren't far behind with $50, and Jane and Mario are still yet to score. Now for our final question of this round. It is the bonus question worth $100 for a right answer. The first time you did the 'wild thing', was it with no reservations, mild reservations, or major reservations? Lois, we'll start with you."
What! What! What!
Too personal. She didn't have to answer that. No she didn't.
How was she supposed to answer that question? It was way too personal! She'd had so many reservations, but on their wedding night, all of her impedance had drifted away.
"None," she said quickly. She didn't want to dwell on that question any longer than necessary. It was such an intrusion on privacy.
"Clark, show her what you said," said Smiles.
Clark flipped his card and Lois hugged him. As she hugged him, she whispered so only he could hear, "I can't believe they asked us such a personal question. Haven't they ever heard of the right to privacy?"
As Lois whispered, Smiles was already onto the next couple, and Jane answered, "Guy, neither Mario nor I had any reservations at all."
Mario flipped his card and said, "Finally we are on the board!"
"Good for you! Louisa, what about you and Mark?"
Louisa said, "Neither of us had any reservations; we were both ready."
Mark groaned as he flipped his card and said, "Speak for yourself, dear."
"Don't worry about it, we still have a long way to go in the game. Angela, what about you and David?"
Angela blushed a little when she said, "Neither of us had any reservations."
David smiled as he held up the card, and he and his wife shared a special look, as Smiles said, "Okay, after the first round, Lois and Clark are in the lead with $200, David and Angela are right on their heels with $150, and Mark and Louisa and Jane and Mario aren't far behind with $100."
The audience applauded, and Smiles said, "We'll be back after these messages with questions for the wives to answer."
The director said, "5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and we're clear."
Smiles went backstage and got himself something to drink.
Probably something alcoholic.
Clark turned to Lois, and asked "So, was that really as bad as you thought it would be?"
"Yes!"
He nodded ruefully. "I know. It was. But, you know, we're doing great. Maybe we'll win." He wanted to appeal to her competitive nature.
Her lips turned up into a smile. "Yes, we are. But I can't believe they asked us that last question. It was so personal — an invasion of privacy!"
Clark nodded again. "I know, honey. I couldn't believe it."
"I swear, we should just get up and leave!"
"I don't know. Maybe we should just relax, and have fun with it. Eventually, we'll look back on this and laugh. Just think it's something to show our children … if we win." He laughed at the thought.
As hard as Lois tried to resist, his laughter was contagious, so she found herself laughing, too. The Lane competitiveness was starting to reemerge from her deep recesses. The thrill of victory was within her grasp. "I think I'm ready for the next round. We are gonna win! I didn't come up here to make a fool of myself to go home a loser!"
She had a fire in her eyes.
"You don't want to leave?"
"Never. We're going to kick some serious butt."
Smiles sauntered back on stage, grabbed his microphone, and said, "Okay gentlemen, follow the director into your soundproof room."
Clark flashed Lois a smile, and squeezed her hand before he followed the rest of the men off stage.
When the husbands were securely gone, Smiles said, smiling at the camera, "Welcome back, the husbands are now off stage in a soundproof room, and now we'll talk to the wives for a while about their husbands and their life together. If the husbands' answers match, their charity receives the money. Now, here's our first $50 question." He paused for a second, the whole while showing his large teeth to the camera. "Who was attracted to who first? You to your husband or your husband to you? Louisa, we'll start with you."
"Mark and I were both basically in love at first sight, but I think he saw me before I saw him, so I'll say he was."
Lois rolled her eyes. What a bimbo. No wonder she was on television.
"Angela, you or David?"
"Definitely me. I was madly in love with him before he was in love with me."
Oh no, Lois was next. But she knew the answer. And she was sure Clark would know it, too.
"Lois was it you or Clark?"
"Clark." She didn't even acknowledge her feelings him for the first two years they knew each other. "Absolutely Clark."
Okay, that wasn't so bad. Her heart was racing, but she was going to win!
"Jane, you or Mario?"
"Definitely Mario. He saw me on my show and sent me fan mail. He was in love with me before we even met."
"How sweet." Smiles grinned at the camera. "Love, stalking, same thing. Okay, on to our next question. Where is the most unusual place you and your husband have made whoopie? Angela, we'll start with you."
Lois was shocked. Her mouth was gaping open in shock. They couldn't expect her to answer this question!
They had no right!
She couldn't believe how presumptuous they were! It was something special between her and her husband.
No one had the right to ask her about something so private!
Angela said, "I would have to say … on the kitchen table."
That woman had answered the question so quickly. And she was smiling. There had to be something wrong with her.
"The kitchen table? That's a little kinky. Lois, what about you and Clark?"
Oh, god, it was her turn. What was she supposed to do? She didn't want to say anything too bad. How many people were actually watching?
Well, they were married. It wasn't like anyone would be surprised that they actually 'made whoopie', but it was still way too intrusive.
"Lois, we need an answer."
Fine! She had to think of something. And it couldn't be embarrassing. Now …
"The old tree house on his parents' farm," she blurted out.
There. It was over. Until she had to hear it again when Clark had to answer the question.
Smiles said, "It's a good thing you didn't fall out of that tree house. Okay, Jane, what about you and Mario?"
"I would have to say it was on a secluded beach in Hawaii."
Smiles turned to the final woman, and said, "Louisa, what about you and Mark?"
"I'd have to say in my old bedroom at my parents' house."
"Wonderful and naughty!" Smiles smirked at the camera. "Now for our $100 bonus question. What will your husband say is happiest day of his life? Jane, we'll start with you."
Jane said, "I think he'll say the day we met."
"Okay, Louisa, what do you think Mark will say?"
"I think he'll say our wedding day."
Smiles said, "Angela, what about David?"
Angela thought for a second, and said, "I think he'll say when the Cleveland Indians made it to the World Series in 1995. After all, he owns part of the team and got a large commission from the Series."
"Fine." Smiles said, "Lois, what do you think Clark will say?"
Lois smiled and said, "I think Clark will say the day I asked him to marry me."
"You asked *him* to marry you?" Smiles asked condescendingly.
Lois shot daggers at him with her eyes. "Do you have a problem with that?"
He'd better not have a problem. Or else …
Smiles looked appropriately contrite, and he looked away from Lois. "Okay, we'll bring the husbands back and see if their answers coincide with their wives' after these messages."
Clark walked back on stage, and smiled at Lois. She didn't look happy. He cringed. This couldn't be good.
The husbands came back on stage, and Smiles looked at the camera and said, "We're back, and so are the husbands. Our first $50 question is, who fell in love with who first, you with your wife or your wife with you? Mark, what's your answer?"
Mark said, "We both fell in love at first sight, but I think I saw her first. So I'll say I was in love first."
"Louisa, show him what you said," said Smiles.
Louisa flipped her card and kissed her husband on the lips.
Smiles said, "David, what did Angela say?"
David thought about it for a second and said, "She definitely was in love with me before I was in love with her."
"Angela, show him what you said," said Smiles.
Angela grinned widely as she flipped her card and kissed her husband.
"Clark, what did Lois say?" asked Smiles.
Clark said, "This is easy. I fell in love with Lois at first sight, but she didn't think of me as more than a friend for the first two years we knew each other."
Smiles said, "Lois show him what you said."
Lois flipped her card and Clark kissed her. They were doing so well!
Smiles said, "Mario what did Jane say?"
"I fell in love when I saw her on TV before we even met."
"Jane, show Mario what you said."
Jane flipped her card and said, "Finally, we got one right!"
Smiles said, "Great, each of our couples' charities receive $50 for those correct matches. Now on to the next question. What is the most unusual place you and your wife have made whoopie? David, we'll start with you."
David said, "I think it would have to be in my car."
Angela groaned, and said, "Oh, that's right. I said the kitchen table."
"What!? The kitchen table?"
Smiles said, "Before this gets out of hand, Clark, what do you think Lois said?"
Clark looked at Lois to see if he could tell what she said by the look on her face. Unfortunately, he couldn't. All he knew was that this was a really intrusive question.
No one had the right to know their most intimate secrets like that!
Clark said, "I'm really not sure."
"We need an answer."
He shrugged. "I don't know. I'll have to say in the supply closet at work."
Lois exclaimed, "Clark I can't believe you said that!"
She grabbed one of the pillows off the love seat and whacked him in the back of the head with it, and Clark noticeably cringed when the pillow made contact.
"So Lois and Clark's charity doesn't get any money for this question, but you still have a chance. Now Mario, where is the most unusual place you and Jane have made whoopie?"
Mario said, "That's easy. It was on our honeymoon an a secluded beach in Hawaii."
Jane squealed with delight and she hugged Mario.
Smiles said, "That is another match for Jane and Mario, and their charity receives another $50! Now on to Mark. What do you think Louisa said?"
Mark said, "I don't know. Maybe in her old bedroom at her parents' house."
Louisa kissed Mark, and Smiles said, "Looks like we have another match for Mark and Louisa, and that means $50 more for their charity. Going into our final $100 question, Mark and Louisa, David and Angela, and Clark and Lois are all tied with $250, and Mario and Jane aren't far behind with $200. It's anyone's game going into the final $100 question. Since we're running out of time, here it is: Husbands, what was the happiest moment of your life? Mark, we'll start with you."
Mark smiled and said, "That's easy, Guy. The happiest day of my life was our wedding day."
Louisa kissed him, and Smiles said, "That leaves Mark and Louisa with $350 and the lead, for now. Now on to David. What was the happiest day of your life?"
David said, "That's easy. It was our wedding day."
Angela frowned, and Smiles said, "She said it was when the Cleveland Indians made it to the World Series in 1995."
David said, "That was a great day, but our wedding day was better."
Angela was clearly touched by his words, and she leaned over to give him a quick kiss.
Smiles said, "Sorry, but your charity doesn't receive any money for this question, so now Mark and Louisa are in the lead with $350 and David and Angela have $250. Now on to Clark. What was the happiest day of your life?"
Clark said, "The happiest day of my life was the day I met Lois." He turned to look at his wife. "It changed my life."
"Oh, Clark," Lois said softly. "It changed my life, too."
"But your answer is wrong!" Smiles exclaimed.
Lois had the overwhelming urge to tell that stupid, slimy host to shut up, but lucky for him, Clark's lips were covering hers completely!
So Mark and Louisa have $350, and David and Angela and Lois and Clark are tied with $250. Now, Mario, what was the happiest day of your life?"
Mario said, "That's easy. It's the day we met."
Jane squealed and kissed him. Smiles said, "That's a match, and $100 for your charity. Now, at the end of our game, David and Angela and Lois and Clark are tied for third place with $250, but we will add $1000 to your totals and donate $1250 to the American Cancer Society and the Coates Orphanage in your names. Jane and Mario made an incredible comeback, and are in second place with $300, and again we will add $1000 to your total, and donate $1300 to the Metropolis Center for Women and Children. And, finally, our winners are Mark and Louisa with $350, and we will add $2000 to your total and donate $2350 to the Pediatric AIDS foundation. And, Larry, tell them what they've won."
Larry Berry exclaimed, in his loud, booming voice, "Mark and Louisa, you are going on a second honeymoon in THE BAHAMAS!!! You'll be flying Metropolian Air and staying for 7 days, 6 nights on Grand Bahama island in a fully furnished, private condominium."
***
Later that night, Lois and Clark walked out of the studio hand in hand, and Perry and Jimmy met them.
"So CK, tell me more about those supply closets. I knew you couldn't need that many pens!"
Clark lightly hit Jimmy, and Lois said, "Jimmy, I think you'll have to wait 'till you're older."
"Come on CK."
Clark just laughed, and shook his head.
Lois grabbed his hand and said, "Come on, Clark, let's go home."
She pulled him away towards their Jeep, and Clark turned around and smiled at Perry and Jimmy. He stuck his and up and waved.
"Lois it wasn't that bad, was it. You know you had fun."
"I guess. It was fun when we were winning. I don't see why you didn't match those last two. You had to have known what I said with," she tugged on her ear, "you know."
"What?"
"Oh wait, you're Mr. Boyscout. No cheating for Clark Kent. Even if it was for a week in the Bahamas with his wife."
Clark laughed and said, "I'm sorry Lois."
They pulled into their driveway, and Lois said, "Well Mr. Kent, you'll just have to prove how sorry you are."
Clark said, "I think I'm prepared to do just that."
As soon as they entered the house, Clark swept Lois off her feet, and ran upstairs at Superspeed …
THE END
Note: This story was intended as a parody of 'The Newlywed Game' and several other game shows. The name 'Guy Smiles' was something I thought was original, but it is actually close to the name 'Guy Smiley' from 'Sesame Street'. This was completely unintentional.
3/04