Hair Is Where the Hurt Is

By Jennifer Eagan-Dixon <>

Rated PG

Submitted February 1999

Summary: A lighthearted "Dean and Teri" fanfic/parody of the episode "Home is Where the Hurt Is."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is more strictly "Dean and Teri fic" rather than Lois and Clark fic. As most everyone knows, Dean Cain shaved his head in May of 1997 for an upcoming movie. (Best Men). What you may not have known is that some of us 'FoLCs' have weird senses of humor! (Part 1 was originally submitted to the Lois and Clark message boards on June 16, 1996, and Part 2 was submitted July 17, 1996).

Again, we've sent our spy onto the L&C set to see how our season premiere is getting along. What we overheard and saw will absolutely shock you. The following story is true except for a few lies (but WE CROSSED OUR FINGERS, CLARK… subtle hint!).


Part 1

Imagine it, it's the end of July, come on try. Teri Hatcher has come back to work on the set of L&C after a summer of playing Bob Vila on her house! (Who won the bet? Jay or Teri?) She is walking in a dark part of the set by herself.

Voice: "Pssssst… Teri!"

Teri walks down a dark hallway following the voice and a hand grabs her and pulls her in a room.

TH: "Dean!! What are you doing???!!!… and what are you doing with that helmet on your head?!!"

DC: "Shuu… you better sit down!"

TH: "You didn't dye your hair did you, cause they'll just go ape sh… "

DC: "Teri, would you be quiet and sit down?!"

TH sits down folding her arms in front.

TH: "Okay, I'm ready!"

Dean removes his helmet.

TH: (Wide-eyed) "Oh my gosh… Dean, why did you shave your head AGAIN!?"

DC: (Trying not to scream) "I didn't!!! This is still from May!! My hair won't grow Teri!!! Still adorable NOW???!!

TH: "Oh no! Dean what are we going to do??? Has anyone else seen you?"

DC: "I don't know what we're going to do!!! And no I thought I'd share this special moment with you first!"

TH: "Okay. Calm down. First we need to show you to everyone."

DC: (Swallows hard) "Okay!"

TH: "Then I've got to come to the rescue again!"

DC: "Well 'Terikins' that IS why I came to you… I know for a fact there's other things you do better than read!"

Dean and Teri go to all the Power that Be. Mass pandemonium breaks out.

BS: Bob Singer ERL: Eugenie Ross Lemke BB: Brad Buckner

BS: (Screaming) "Writers! I need to see the writers NOW!

ERL: (Staring at Dean in amazement, feels his hair) "Wow — it just never grew back?"

BB: (Anxiously) "Look! We could say that when he got to New Krypton he had to join their army and get his head shaved."

ERL: "We don't even have a New Krypton!! That was another one of our ruses, remember?? like the wedding??"

BS: "Eugenie, politically correct term please!!"

ERL: "SORRY… the ALMOST wedding!"

BB: "We can make a New Krypton!! We'll have to shave everybody's heads!!! Call the salon!! Make appointments for Justine and Jon!

TH: (In horror) "NO!!!!" (Looks at Dean innocently)(you know the look, the 'I'm only 9 days old, and I don't think I deserve to be locked up' look) It really IS adorable but just not on Jon. I've seen him with short hair, it'll bring tears to your eyes!! Now on Justine it might look good, but!"

TH: "I've got another plan!!!" (Whew! Thought we'd never get here)

<<Dut dutta dun, dutta dut dut dun (trumpets for anybody who can't hear me)>>

MH: Mom Hatcher DH: Dad Hatcher K: K DC & TH: you know them.

In walks Teri Hatcher's father and mother…

DH: "We got here as quick as we could, now what's going on?"

TH: "Daddy you're a physicist."

DH: Well, thank you for remembering sweetie!"

TH: "I was wondering if you could look at a friend of mine."

She takes him around the corner, where Dean is lying on a couch.

DH: "Teri!! Dean Cain???"

TH: "Well, he and Justin are very close and Justin's out looking for babes on Dean's bike. So when I noticed Dean's hair, I brought him here. Daddy we need your help — I need your help!"

DH: "Teri! His hair, it's very short! His hair follicles may be totally different than ours. I haven't done "the procedure" in 15 years."

TH: "I know. Daddy, when I was a little girl, I knew that my father was a brilliant physicist… (turning to her mother) wasn't he?"

TH: "If I never ask anything of you, be that physicist again."

Mr. Hatcher reaches over and touches her on the cheek (like that other guy does:)

DH: "You promise no more towel scenes on the Tonight Show?"

TH: "Daddy, could we talk about that some other time!"

Teri pours her mother a cup of coffee…

MH: "Another siren! I've never heard so many sirens."

TH: "You're at the ABC studios — a lot of casualties."

K comes in

K: "He's asleep again. It's so hard for him to look in the mirror!"

Teri consoles K.

DH: "Everything points to a rampaging follicle infection. No hair stimulants I know of seem to be effective. I'm afraid it's overwhelming his scalp!"

DH: "He's very lucky to have you all here."

TH: "We're very lucky to have him. Can you save his career, I mean hair?"

DH: "Teri, you were a little girl when you thought I could do miracles. Now you're grownup and you know miracles come at a price."

TH: "Yes."

DH: "Now there is one very controversial treatment. The theory is to bring the host to the point of death… as they begin to die, they can no longer support the invading virus — it's a great risk — bringing your friend's hair follicles close enough to death to starve out the virus yet pulling them back to life afterwards."

TH: "Are you asking me to make that decision for him?"

DC: (Lying on the couch depressed) "You don't have to — the answer is yes."

A little later…

TH: "Yes, Mr. Klein, you heard me correctly… I'll put Dean on so you can confirm this isn't one of my cruel jokes I'm playing on him."

DC: Mr. Klein, it's me… deliver to Teri as she asks."

Slowly the sealed box is brought in. K and Eddie stand back holding each other…

TH: (Sitting next to Dean) "You can change your mind. There's still time… "

DH: "I'm afraid there isn't… there're 20,000 guys outside waiting to audition for this part."

DC and TH both let out a moan… only one of them is smiling.

DH: "You understand that I've never done "the procedure" in quite this way before."

DC: (Barely coherent) "I understand."

Teri reaches and takes his hand. Her father opens the box. There lie the newest editions of "National Enquirer", "Star" (his fav), and "The Globe" rags, all open to articles of Dean and Teri.

DC: (Writhing in agony, trying not to toss his cookies) "Umpgh!"

Teri starts to tear up also. (the smell of those things!!… they're full of… well you know)

DH: "This won't be easy honey."


TH to DC: "Please forgive me."

DC: "Forgive you?

TH: "For putting you through this."

DC: You had no choice… we had no choice."

TH: "Remember, when I asked you how you felt about me and you told me that being with me on the show, produced stronger ratings, than being alone on the show… grab on to that strength now… we can be strong enough for everybody!"

DC: "Listen… this is really rough on the cast and crew… ya know… would you take care of them for us."

TH: "I will… (and as she bends down closer) "Do I smell garlic?"

After hours of Dean being exposed to open rag magazines, Teri and K have gone back to Teri's trailer to rest.

Teri 'feels' Dean stir (all right everybody get your minds out of the gutter now! It's just that chemistry working… which by the way isn't "rough on the lips" — now WHO said that??? and It's a little like that guy who said "I'm completely in love with my co-star" and then they wonder how rumors start. :)

TH: Dean?

DC: Teri?

TH: Dean, Dean?

The phone rings..K picks it up for her.

K: Hello… yes Mr. Hatcher… he what!!??? Yes! Teri!!!!"

Teri's already on her feet..

TH: "I know!!! I know!!! His hair's all back!!!"

K: "How did you know?!"

TH: "I'm going over there!"

K: "I'm right behind you!"

And so ends our hair raising story of Dean Cain's plight… now you know the rest of the story!!! Probably just a little more than you wanted to know:)

Here's wishing to all that work on "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" from the clean up crew to our stars (yes even our Powers to Be) a great fourth season and some requited love (not a lot — our hearts couldn't take a whole lot- okay we'll try)!!!! Love and kisses, just one of your FoLCs on this here board! :) If I'm being sued for libel — author unknown. If you liked it — the name's Eagan… Jennifer Eagan, ya know like Bond… James Bond..oh forget it!

Part 2

AUTHOR'S NOTE: While we're on the subject of hair… Teri really threw me a curve here..but I'm up for the challenge. Turn around's fair play here FoLCs! Here we go one more time…

As you may know Teri Hatcher had cut and dyed her hair a brilliant shade of red for an upcoming movie (Since You've Been Gone, Released 1998) and well… some of us FoLCs STILL have a weird sense of humor!!! The shoe is on the other foot… or shall I say "the hair is on the other head"! ENJOY… AGAIN SOMETHING HAS GONE "TERI"BLY WRONG!!


CC: Christopher Cain (can you tell where this is going?)

DC and TH: you know them!!

ERL: Eugenie Ross-Leming

BB: Brad Buckner

BS: Bob Singer

Dean Cain is walking in a dark part of the set… a feminine voice whispers out.


Dean looks down the hall and there he sees the figure of a woman. She is wearing a trench coat and sunglasses and on her head, aluminum foil.

DC: "Excuse me miss, but do I know you?"

The woman took his hand and led him into a room without saying a word. As she entered, she turned on the light and faced Dean. She then took off her sunglasses and aluminum foil.

Dean fell back on a nearby couch (I hear… COUCH SCENE!) and clutched his chest.

DC: "Oh my god, Teri, what HAVE YOU DONE?!"

She sat down next to him running her hand through what little red hair she had left.

TH: "Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time… new do, Clairol, sunglasses, secret identity…WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS DOING!!??? IT WAS FOR THE MOVIE MR. CAIN!!!"

DC: "Okay, now calm down… so I take it we've got a serious problem here."

TH: "Yeah..a serious problem. I cannot get this color out and of course it hasn't grown an inch since I cut in June. By the way your hair's grown back nicely."

DC: "Thanks! Well, now you know the standard operating procedure around here, sweetheart!"

TH: "Yeah I know… we have to go SEE everybody!"

DC: "By the way, what are you wearing under that trench coat."

TH: "Well, let's put it this way, I was thinking about walking over to that window there… "

Dean put his arm around her shoulder quickly and off they went to see Eugenie, Bob, and Brad.

DC: "By the way, what's Jon said about all this?"

TH: "Well, he tries to look at me… but he just starts crying every time."

DC: "Oh.."

Of course, you can imagine, mass pandemonium has broken out! People are again running around crazily.

BS: "Writers!!! I need to see the WRITERS NOW!"

ERL: (Turning Teri around) "Hatch, this really is funky, even for YOU!"

BB: "Okay, I've got it! We're gonna spike it… ya know… and say Lois has gone off the deep end because Clark left her… and she's joined this band… and she's lead vocal… and… LEATHER… I NEED LEATHER!!!!!"

ERL: (Not listening to Brad) "So… do you like wearing hats?"

DC: (Coming to the rescue!!!) "NO! NO! NO! I've got a better plan!!!" (and you thought SHE was the only one with the brains!)

In walks Dean's father and mother…

CC: "We got here as soon as we could, now what's going on?"

DC: "Dad, you're a movie director."

CC: "Well, thanks for remembering son."

DC: "I was wondering if you could look at a friend of mine."

Coming around the corner where Teri is lying on the couch.

CC: "Dean! Teri Hatcher!"

DC: "Well, Teri's married to Jon Tenney and he's off eating somewhere :) so when I saw her hair, I brought her here."

CC: "Dean, her hair! It's very short! and VERY RED!"


CC: "Everything points to a rampaging "Nice and Easy" infection. She seems to have picked up a box of "Nice and Sleazy" by accident. No hair dyes I know of seem to be effective. "I'm afraid it's overwhelming her wardrobe options!"

DC: "Can you save HER career — I mean hair? Maybe give it some direction!?" (bad, really bad, I know)

The remedy I'm afraid is the same… those nasty rag magazines… so we'll pick it up as she lies on the couch.

DC: "Forgive me."

TH: "Forgive you?"

DC: "For putting you through this."

TH: "You had no choice… we had no choice."

DC: "Remember when I asked you how you felt about me..and you said that my muscles were finally stronger than your muscles. Grab on to that strength now! We can be strong enough for everybody!"

TH: "Listen… this is really rough on the FoLCs out there. Would you take care of them for us? You know, go on-line from time to time… "

DC: "I will." (and as he bends closer)…

TH: "Dean."

DC: "Yeah?"

TH: "Move your hand."

DC: "Sure."

TH: "No, I didn't mean move it AROUND… I MEANT REMOVE IT!"

DC: "Oh, yeah. Sorry. You know how I am on couches… and wait a minute! I distinctly remember SOMEBODY ELSE's hand on a couch.."

A small smile came to Teri's lips, as she drifted off into unconsciousness.


And as you can imagine, the remedy worked and as Dean and K were sacked out somewhere on the set, the call came letting them know that Teri was awake, her hair once again was brown, and a little longer. Peace and tranquillity reentered the set of Lois and Clark and things were back to normal. Yeah right!