Happy (Weird) Birthday, Clark!

By Molly <MPSL27@aol.com>

Rated PG

Submitted September 1998

Summary: The author says this story "starts out weird … and continues into weirdocity." Get ready for a very strange birthday party for Clark!

[Author's Note: I wrote this in February 1998, when I was suffering from flu symptoms and severe LCWS. The result? This interesting little fanfic. It starts out weird…and continues into weirdocity. But it's intended to be funny, so I hope you enjoy it. Send me comments (please be nice!) at MPSL27@aol.com] Thanks! Molly MuffySlay on IRC


Once upon a time, Lois and Clark were in their apartment. Naturally, they were married and very happy. But Clark had a weird obsession. He loved to lick Lois' ear. She thought this was very weird, but naturally accepted it because she figured Clark knew more about romance than she did. Why she thought THAT, I do not know.

One day, Clark started licking further down. It wasn't like a wet lick, it was more like little kisses with a french twist. He was going farther and farther down…

"Stop!" Lois cried, giggling.

"What?" he said, looking hurt.

"That tickles!"

He grinned. "I'm sorry! Does THIS tickle?" he asked, and proceeded to go even lower.

"CLARK!!" This time, she looked upset.

"What?" Clark asked.

"Just…stop," she said. "You're making me uncomfortable."

Clark's eyes widened. "Don't be ridiculous. We're married, we're supposed to do this kind of stuff."

"Well," she said. "Maybe you should have married someone else."

"Like who?" Clark demanded.


Clark frowned. "I thought all women liked to be licked. What's wrong with you?"

Lois glared at him. "Don't you hear a cry for help or something?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," Clark said icily, spinning into his Superman suit and flying out the window.

Lois sighed. Then she laughed. "Okay, you can come out now," she said. The closet door opened…And Martha, Jonathan, and Jimmy stepped out.

"Whew!" Jimmy said. "CK sounded really mad at you, Lois! Not that I was eavesdropping or anything!"

"Well, I'm glad we FINALLY got him out of the house!" Lois said. "Now MAYBE we can set up for his surprise party without him actually, you know, BEING here!" she laughed.

Martha smiled, but was still a little concerned. "I know Clark," she said. "And I know that he might not be back for awhile, especially after you wouldn't let him — uh, lick you."

Lois giggled. "Don't worry, he'll be back!"

Jonathan and Jimmy got busy setting up decorations, and Martha started preparing the food.

"Okay," said Lois. "Even though Clark's probably a little mad right now, he knows that he's supposed to meet me at Layner's Cafe at 5pm. Then, we'll take a cab back here at 6:15, and then everyone will jump out and say 'surprise'."

"Don't worry about a thing," Martha assured her daughter-in-law. "Everything will be ready by the time you get back."

Lois was getting nervous. She had a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was sure everything would work out, but her life NEVER went as planned!

At exactly 5pm, Clark landed in the alley behind Layner's Cafe, spun into his Superman suit, and went inside. He saw Lois, sitting with a really cute guy at a table. He used his superhearing to listen in on their conversation.

Lois was saying, "Yeah, you were great."

The cute guy was saying, "Thanks".

"You were REALLY great," Lois was saying. "You kind of make me want to…oh, I don't know…"

"Stop! You're making me blush!" the cute guy said. "I've had a lot of experience," he added modestly.

Clark couldn't believe what he thought he was hearing! His eyes darkened, and he ran over to their table. "Hi, Lois!" he said cheerfully, pretending he hadn't heard a thing. He nodded towards the cute guy. "Who's this?" he asked.

"Oh! This is Bill," Lois said. "We knew each other in college."

Bill smiled. "You must be Clark. You're a lucky guy," he added, gesturing towards Lois. Clark grinned. His thoughts drifted back to the licking incident, but he chose to ignore the thoughts.

"Bill was just up on stage singing to the karaoke machine," Lois said. "I was just telling him how great he was. I told him he should go into singing as a career."

Bill blushed. "You really thought I was good?" he asked.

Lois nodded. Then she smiled sweetly. Then she said, "Get lost, Bill."

Bill got lost…literally. He ended up in the women's bathroom.

Clark sat down at the table. "Hi, Honey," Lois said. "I'm sorry about earlier…do you forgive me?"

"Of course," Clark whispered, and kissed her, even though it was in public.

"I love you, Birthday Boy," she said, grinning.

"You remembered!" Clark exclaimed, as if Lois would ever forget.

"Of course I remembered!" Lois said. "So," she said jokingly. "How old are you now?"

"Hmmm, how old do you think I am?"

Lois looked perplexed. "You don't look a day over 32," she said.

"Ding ding ding! We have a winner!" Clark cried.

Lois gave him a quick kiss. "Are you ready to order?"

"Let's eat fast," Clark said. "I want to get to dessert!"

"Of course you do," Lois said, patting him on the nose and giggling.

Clark thought Lois was acting a little weird. "Lois, is something going on?" he asked.

"No. Nothing. What makes you think that? What would be going on? Clark, whatever are you THINKING?" Lois was babbling.

Clark shrugged and signaled the waiter.

At exactly 6:14, Lois and Clark were coming up the steps of their brownstone. Lois didn't want Clark to suspect anything, so she was trying hard to keep him very busy. She reached for the doorknob and opened the door. She was waiting for everyone to yell surprise. But…nothing. In fact, the light was on, and the place looked the same as how she'd left it.

Clark continued to plant kisses on his lovely wife. Lois looked from left to right. It looked as if no one was there! Suddenly, she heard a loud BANG.

She screamed and dove for cover. Clark just stood there and laughed. "Lois, what the heck is going on with you?" Clark cried. "That was a motorcycle backfiring! You're acting PARANOID!! Is there something you're not tel—"

"SURPRISE!!!" about 50 people suddenly shouted.

Both Lois and Clark screamed. "Auuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Lois nearly had a heart attack, and Clark just stood there, frozen. "Happy Birthday to you!" everyone sang. Martha, Jonathan, and Jimmy were there of course. But so were a bunch of people from the Daily Planet, including Ralph, Perry, and Angela. Lois' sister, Lucy, was there (along with Lucy's latest boy toy, Marco).

When the song ended everyone cheered and started congratulating Clark. "Clark, snap out of it!" Lois hissed. Clark continued to stare straight ahead, not moving.

Jimmy waved his hand in front of Clark's face. "Yo! Earth to CK!"

Clark blinked. "Where am I?" he muttered.

"Oh GREAT, you gave him amnesia!" Lois blamed the crowd.

Clark looked a little dizzy, so Lois led him over to the couch.

"Well, what are we all standing around for?" Marco (Lucy's boy) exclaimed. "I see cake. I see punch. Let's PARTAY!!"

Everyone agreed. Jimmy turned on the CD player, and proclaiming himself the official deejay, put in his new Chumbawamba CD, and everyone started to dance.

Everyone, that is, except Lois and Clark.

The party went on. Jimmy played everything from R.E.M. to The Beatles to the Titanic soundtrack. Soon, the punch was gone and the cake had become part of the traditional food fight.

Lois and Clark were still on the couch—asleep.

"Those two do NOT know how to par-tay," Marco observed.

Everyone agreed. "Hey!" Ralph said. "When I was a kid, we used to put toothpaste in people's hair when they were sleeping!"

"Toothpaste?" Angela muttered. "Grow up. They'd kill us!"

"I have a really, really amazing idea," Jimmy said sarcastically. "Why don't we just WAKE THEM UP?"

"Wow, good idea!" Ralph said. "I never thought of that."

Jimmy rolled his eyes. Then he started to throw pillows at Clark and Lois. "WAKE UP!!!" he hollered.

In a minute, Lois and Clark were both awake and they did not look happy.

"OK!" Lucy said cheerfully. "It's time to open your presents, Clark!"

"What presents?" Clark asked. "It's not Christmas, is it?"

"No, dumbbell," Marco yelled. "It's your BIRTHDAY!"

So Clark opened his presents. Lucy and Marco gave Clark a birdcage.

"How nice," said Clark. "But I don't even have a bird!"

Lucy whapped Marco. "I TOLD you they didn't have a bird!" she yelled.

Marco shrugged helplessly.

Jimmy gave Clark a bicycle helmet and a pair of kneepads. "Safety first," Jimmy said, when Clark gave Jimmy a really, really weird look.

"Uh, thanks, Jimmy," Clark said. "I'll remember that."

Perry, who actually knew a thing or two about gift-giving, presented Clark with a brand new shirt and a wild tie.

Martha and Jonathan gave Clark a new telephone, just in case he accidentally smashed any more of the ones he already had.

The weirdest gift definitely came from Ralph. "Yum," said Clark, trying to smile. "Fruitcake!"

"Yeah!" said Ralph. "I didn't even have to buy it! I found it in a dumpster two Christmases ago! Wasn't that lucky of me?" he said, obviously proud of himself.

After what seemed like a really long time, everyone FINALLY went home. "Whew," said Clark, after the last guest had driven off. "That was—some party."

"Yeah," Lois agreed.

"Promise me you'll never make me go through one of those things again!" Clark begged.

"Deal!" she said.

He leaned over and started to kiss her.

"Oh Clark!" she said. "I forgot. Your parents are staying with us, they haven't left. They're in the guest room!"

"Who cares?" Clark said, grinning, and started to kiss her even more passionately.

"Just one thing," Lois said. "No licking."

"Please?" Clark said, pouting. "It's my birthday!"

"All right," she said, finally giving in.

He kissed her some more, and then she started talking. "Clark?"


"I am REALLY hungry all of a sudden."

"For dessert?" Clark asked seductively.

"No, for ham and cheese on wheat bread. You know, with a little mayo and pickle — chips on the side. Maybe a cherry soda and a blueberry bagel and some of those fishy crackers?"

Clark sighed. "Raid the refrigerator," he said.

"Thanks, Honey," she said.

After Lois was done, they FINALLY got to some DESSERT.

And when Lois finally got to sleep, she had really weird dreams. She dreamed that Cal from "Titanic" was chasing her across a meadow and she was trying to climb a mountain of Swiss cheese while wearing swimming flippers.