By Ellen Garnett <firstname.lastname@example.org> and Debby Stark <email@example.com>
Submitted April 24, 1998
Summary: If you didn't have a chance to tune in to the 1998 Kerth Awards Ceremony held on IRC, you missed a good time. But, never fear! Here are the commercial breaks, written with the FoLCs in mind. Get your tongue planted firmly in your cheek and get reading!
If you didn't have a chance to tune-in to the 1998 Kerth Awards Ceremony held on IRC, you missed a good time! Upon hearing that the ceremony was going to mimic a "live" awards show as much as possible, right down to the "Can I have the envelope please?," it occurred to us that a real show like that would certainly have to be financed by commercial breaks! So with tongue planted firmly in cheek, we turned ourselves into advertising executives just long enough to come up with the following commercials!
Hope you enjoy them! And there are lots more commercials just waiting to be written, so if any occur to you, jot 'em down 'cause there's always next year's Kerth ceremony!
Special thanks go out to Pam Jernigan for her assistance and encouragement of this slightly offbeat creative endeavor!
By Ellen Garnett - IRC "Magix" <firstname.lastname@example.org> and Debby Stark - IRC "Cheequi" <email@example.com>
WE'RE HAVIN' A BLOW-OUT SALE!
Super Savings For Everyone!
Kal's Klothing Barn Is Going-Out-Of-Business!
Save tons on really "out-of-this-world" men's ties! Colorful, Crazy, & Cute! We got 'em all!
Charcoal-colored suits by the rackful!
Bolts and bolts of unused Spandex! Make us an offer!
Located at the corner of Hyperion and Clinton!
A really super place to shop!
Tell 'em Jor sent you!
NEW AND IMPROVED PEPCID-TNT!
Extra-strength relief for those times when you'd swear a bomb just went off in your stomach!
The Man's Antacid!
TONIGHT, ON LNN AT 11:00, THESE STORIES AND MORE! ======================================================
Superman saves airliner from certain disaster!
The Concorde is saved by Superman's quick thinking! How *does* he do it?
Small plane on collision course with the Washington Monument, diverted by Superman!
Batman accuses Superman of using super-breath to blow aircraft out of the sky!
Earthquake rocks a small town in California! Superman saves the day, given key to the city!
Superman saves Girl Scouts from nest of poisonous snakes! Parade held in his honor!
Crops across the mid-West saved by Superman's ingenuity! "I have a special place in my heart for farmers," he says.
Litter of kittens swept away in storm adopts their savior, Superman, as surrogate mother!
Batman demands equal time, tells Superman, "Stay out of Gotham City, this is *my* town!"
SEE THESE AND OTHER BREAKING STORIES TONIGHT AT 11:00, HERE ON LNN!
LANE'S LOCKSMITH SERVICE!
No job too small, no lock too tough!
Got a burning need to learn what's on the other side of a locked door?
Breaking and entering never an issue! You lock 'em, we'll lick 'em!
Call "1-800-BREAK-IN begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-800-BREAK-IN end_of_the_skype_highlighting" today!
Got a sweet tooth you just can't lick??
Try the new, improved Clark's Bar! Longer lasting, and bigger than ever! So big it'll never run out on you unexpectedly!
Chocolate coated on the outside, Creamy goodness on the inside! The sweet, wholesome treat That really packs a punch!
A delicious experience you'll never forget!
When Nothing Else Will Satisfy Your Hunger!
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's, uh, none of the above!
It's Superman Collectables!
Collect all four action figures now, and be the envy of your planet!
Each pose-able figure featured with his own super-villain!
Collect 'em all today, and prepare to defend your homeworld!
(Batteries, cape and "S" shield sold separately!)
Proceeds donated to: The Superman Fund For Homeless Kids!
(commercial contributed by ChiefPam)
(Cue a somber announcer, over a collage of patriotic images)
This Presidential election, isn't it time for a change in Washington?
A return to traditional values, but with a modern sensibility. (show portrait of the Kent family)
Cast your vote for small-town virtues and big city sophistication -
Vote Martha Kent for President! (show the candidate on the campaign trail)
It's time for a candidate who's more than a little different.
So, this November… (music swells)
Vote Kent for President!
(Paid for by the Committee to elect Martha Kent)
Lights, Camera, Action!
Want to see your star on the Metropolis Walk of Fame?
Murray Brown's Talent Agency is the place to go!
For a modest fee, Murray will put your name in lights!
Murray says - "Hey, Superman trusts me! How dishonest can I be?!"
Feeling lonely? Need someone to talk to?
If you need someone to share your most intimate thoughts with, someone who will listen to your most private dreams and fantasies, try…
Metropolis Intimate Relations Counseling!
We listen when no one else will!
In fact, we go out of our way to encourage your fantasies! And confidentiality is never an issue here at MIRC. Only you and your twenty or thirty counselors will hear the stories you reveal!
So remember, when you feel "the need" to reveal yourself, give MIRC a whirl!
(This has been a paid advertisement, sponsored by Dr. Friskin, personal advisor to Superman and friends.)
Bibbo's Bar and Grill!
Featuring the warbling tones of Miss Wanda Detroit!
Catch her while she's here!
Return engagements not guaranteed!
A public service announcement for the safety of you and your family!
We regret to announce that Gabby's Deli has been permanently shut down by the Metropolis Board Of Health.
All lingering cases of uncontrollable gagging should be reported to your physician immediately!
Brought to you by the Metropolis Board Of Health - Because We Care About You!
Unexplained phenomena in your house? Pots and pans flying around your kitchen? Mouth-watering, unexplained smells of bacon and eggs?
Who ya 'gonna call?
Star & Katie's Ghostbusting Service And Psychic Hotline!
Star & Katie - One Living, One Late - Both at your service!
Bonded and guaranteed!
Try new L&C Shampoo!
Wash your crowning glory with a fine product you can trust - don't shrink your head with our competitor's product, Deter-poo!
Have good, clean fun with…
Cain's Fine Bath Towels!
Soft and luxurious…feels good all over your body!
Enjoy our quality cotton, and our wide variety of primary colors!
Puts the "steam" back into your shower!
Cain's Fine Bath Towels -
Your best choice for a sensuous wrap-up!
ABC presents a sneak preview of our new fall television line up!
Yes, we know it looks like a cross between Rollerball and Baywatch, but we're betting you won't notice, when you see that "Futuresport" gets out onto the streets to fight crime wearing only a helmet and a speedo!
Coming this fall to ABC -
Hatcher's Music School & Voice Training Academy!
We can take even the least skilled would-be singer, (insert "Clois" swallowing frog) and train that person to warble like a happy canary! (insert Lois in chicken suit) Whether you'd like to sing opera, (insert Lois from White Orchard Ball) sing in night clubs, (insert Wanda Detroit) or sing in the shower, (insert Clark in shower) you'll be glad (insert any hubba-haba-heeba scene) that you enrolled in…
Hatcher's Music School & Voice Training Academy!
Located on Clinton Street, next to Deborah Joy's Institute Of Dance (insert Lois and Superman dancing on air).
Call now, or stop by and visit!
TONIGHT'S KERTH AWARDS HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THESE AND OTHER FINE SPONSORS:
Fair O' Moan Perfume - He'll never know what hit him!
Mrs. Belconto's Steak Sauce - Add some "spice" to your life!
Nestle's Double Fudge Crunch Bars - A taste you'll crave over and over!
The Daily Planet - "The Conscience Of Metropolis"
Kryptonite Lightening Rods! - We attract lightening bolts like Lois Lane attracts trouble!
Metropolis Mercantile Bank - Superman visits so often, your money couldn't be safer!
Radio Station WLEX - Music for a new re-generation!
H. G. Wells Travel - Presenting new dimensions in travel excitement!
Zoom-A-Way's Space Shuttle Service - From Earth to New Krypton in the blink of an eye!