No More Cloning Around

By Olga (os@UVic.CA) and Jo (

Summary: An alien mad scientist, jealous of Kal-El, replaces Clark and the Daily Planet staff with clones.



In another galaxy, on another planet, there lived a Professor. Normally, a Professor living on a planet would not be an abnormal occurrence. However, this was no ordinary Professor.

Many years before, when this Professor was a young adult, something unexplainable happened. The planet he lived on had exploded. Fortunately, the Professor had been visiting relatives, who were living on another planet. Everybody else who had lived on the exploded planet had not been so lucky. They all died.

Yet, something *good* was to come out of this tragedy. Miraculously, bits of the old planet had fused themselves together to create a new planet. This new planet was to become the Professor's new home.

Discovering this new planet, initially, had been a great shock. Returning from his visit, the Professor was incredulous and sick with grief. "How could this have happened?" he asked himself. He wondered what he was going to do.

Suddenly, as if some higher power had heard his question, the answer came, literally, in a flash of light. In the near distance was a light so brilliant that the Professor had to see what was going on.

A day later, the Professor arrived at the area where the light was coming from. Much to his surprise, a planet existed. It was a stunning sight and it held, for him, the remnants of his past on which to build his future.

That future would take *thirty* years to accomplish. All the hard work turned this new planet into a new home but it was a lonely life. There were many times when the Professor would look out to the heavens and remember the way his life was when he was young. With each passing year, the memories became dimmer and dimmer.

The only thing that did sustain the Professor was his hatred of Kal-el. The Professor had regularly kept in touch with the other planets in the galaxy. When he heard that Kal-el had been sent to Earth by his parents, before Old Krypton had blown up, he was incredulous at the idea of it.

Perhaps the news of Kal-el's journey would have just stayed news if the Professor had not been exposed to something quite surprising.

About five years after the Professor had been living on the planet, a mysterious gas had made its way to where he was. Nobody knew what it was but it left him angry. His anger was so great that those who knew the Professor called him *Professor Bit-r".

Now, Kal-el's new life on Earth was the source of the Professor's rage and hatred. For the next twenty-five years, the sole mission of the Professor was to claim a new and *people- filled* life for himself. The only way to do that was to take over Kal-el's life.

Twenty-five years later…

"Ah, perfection at last!" Professor Bit-r gleefully exclaimed. "They are perfect!" he sneered, looking at the row of figures standing in front of him. They were perfection, indeed, because they were clones of the Daily Planet staff!

The last twenty-five years had been spent making countless secret trips to Metropolis to observe Kal-el in his Earth surroundings. Added to his observations were plans, charts, drawings, experiments, and finally, building his creations. Now was the perfect time to put his plan into motion. He had waited long enough!

Five days later…

After a few minor adjustments, the clones were ready. During their journey from the home planet, Bit-r had carefully outlined his plan. They were to leave their home planet and take the place of the Daily Planet staff. Once they were in the Daily Planet, the world was theirs for the taking.

"Now, listen," Bit-r said, "do you remember what the plan is?" "Yes, Bit-r," said the clones. "No, no, no! I am Mr. Goodman, right?" said Bit-r. "Yes, right." agreed the clones.

Slowly, the warehouse door was opened and out walked *Lois*, *Clark*, *Jimmy*, *Perry*, and *Mr. Goodman*. Bit-r outlined his plan once more, "Now, I am taking off to the Planet to do my delivery job. I want all of you to wait about ten minutes and then make your way to the Planet. Remember to stick to the alleys. When you get to the Planet, push the hypospeed button on your wristbands to transport yourselves to the fourth floor. You will be in the elevator during this time. When you get to the fourth floor, wait, and then when you see my face on your wristbands' monitor saying the word *'freeze'* you all jump into action. Got all that?"

"Yes, we have. Let's get on with it!" *Lois* barked. "Pipe down, you!" Bit-r barked back, "Whatever you do, don't lose the freezing weapon I gave to *Clark*."

"Call it done, sir," *Clark* said. With that, Bit-r took off for the Planet. The clones waited the ten minutes and then followed after Bit-r. Everything went according to plan until the clones got to the Daily Planet's floor. Bit-r had come on the monitor and said the action word but the action didn't take place immediately.

**Perry* and *Lois* were arguing over who had first dibs on using the weapon. *Clark* was trying to wrestle the weapon away from *Jimmy's* grasp. As if sensing their shenanigans, Bit-r came back on their monitors and yelled, "Give the weapon to *Clark* and let's get on with this!" Sensing their leader's anger, the clones immediately complied.

Meanwhile, from his vantage point, behind the filing cabinets, Bit-r kept his eyes peeled on the elevator doors. Suddenly, someone was walking up behind him. Turning at the sound, Bit-r looked straight at Perry.

"What are you doing here, Mr. Goodman?" Perry asked. "Oh, hello, Mr. White. I'm here to make a delivery." Bit-r said. "Don't you think it would be better if you came to my office?" Perry asked. "Well, you see, Mr. White, it's imperative that I make the delivery here." said Bit-r. At that, the elevator doors opened and out stepped the clones.

"What in the Sam Hill…?" Perry exclaimed. He couldn't finish his question because he couldn't believe his eyes. No more than thirty feet away stood *Lois*, *Clark*, and *Jimmy*. However, they were not his Lois, Clark, and Jimmy. He was also quite shocked at seeing his double.

Jimmy came from the darkroom and was walking towards Clark's desk when he saw Perry's expression of terror. Immediately, Jimmy asked, "what's wrong, Chief?"

"Turn around very carefully and don't make a sound. I think we're up to our eyeballs in trouble," Perry instructed.

Jimmy did what Perry had told him and his heart rate started to accelerate. The surprise of seeing himself and the other clones caused him to become like a statue.

Lois and Clark were sitting at Lois's desk trying to figure out the outline of their latest story. "I really think a *description of terror* should start the story off," Clark advised. "No, no, no," Lois disagreed.

All of a sudden, Clark started to pick up sounds. He looked up, saw Perry, Jimmy, and the clones and knew he had to keep his wife quiet.

"Lois, I think we'll be able to figure out the outline of this story without using our computer," Clark said very quietly to Lois. When her husband took on these *quiet* tones, she knew that there was something very wrong.

Her suspicions were confirmed when she looked up and saw the clones.

By this time, the clones had moved to stand in front of Jimmy. "Alright, kids, do as we say and do it quietly or else you'll all become the front page news! Of course, you'll all be dead," *Lois* ordered, "Now move over to where Jimmy is standing."

"Why, you… You can't do this!" Lois yelled. *Clark* said, "Oh, can't we! You see, I have a weapon in my hand, ready to blow you to kingdom come, if necessary. What do you have? Nothing. Now shut up and get moving!"

Knowing that her husband would never talk to her like that, Lois moved! "So, how come she does what he says?" Clark thought to himself.

Now, Jimmy, Lois, Clark, and Perry all stood in a group by Clark's desk.

"Good, good. Onto the next step. *Clark*?" Bit-r happily said from his post in front of the elevator.

*Clark* lifted up the weapon and pointed it straight at the group. Perry silently prayed to himself. Jimmy was shaking. Lois and Clark held onto each other for support.

*Clark pressed the button. A whooshing sound filled the Daily Planet. The blue ray that was coming out of *Clark's* weapon was moving towards the group. It almost hit them when Clark yelled, "what is this all about?"

"Stop!" Bit-r yelled. *Clark* turned off the weapon but still had it aimed at the group. Continuing on, Bit-r said, "You all have something that I've always wanted. A life on Earth. Now I can have that along with your replacements."

Suddenly, everything clicked in Clark's mind. He knew who *Mr. Goodman* was. Unfortunately, he never had the chance to explain to Lois. In the next second, the weapon was turned on again and the group by Clark's desk was frozen into place by *Clark*.

An hour later…

The bodies were safely secured in the warehouse. Bit-r had transported the bodies from the Daily Planet building to an abandoned warehouse, far on the seedy side of Metropolis.

Making sure, for the last time, that the bodies were safely tucked out of sight, Bit-r walked towards the door.

Before he opened the door, Bit-r turned around and sneered, "It's all mine now, Kal-el! No one will ever find you or your friends here. And if you are found, you won't be worth remembering. Have a good, long rest! Ha, ha, ha!" With that, Bit-r turned around, opened the door, walked through to the outside world, locked the door, and left Lois, Clark, Perry, and Jimmy to remain, eternally, frozen.

A week later…

The headline on this morning's Planet read, "Planet staff to take over the Metropolis Municipal government! Next stop: the White House!"

In the week that the clones assumed their new positions in the Daily Planet, all of Metropolis had been brainwashed.

With articles such as the coming of Armageddon, the futility of world peace, and the usefulness of illegally obtained money and resources, all of Metropolis began to believe that the Daily Planet's words' were gospel.

Gone was the optimism and hopefulness. In its place was despair, gloom, and anger. Both Bit-r and the clones knew they had succeeded. However, they were also naive enough to believe that no one could stop them.

However, at the moment, Bit-r and his clones were working to control the world. They already had the minds of Metropolians and could ensure their hold over Metropolis through their control over the municipal government. The next step was to grab America through the White House. It would be smooth sailing from then on.

Even *Clark/Superman* was making his contribution to the existing disaster. The "Man of Steel" also became "The Man of the *Steal*". *Superman* melted weapons, cleaned out bank accounts, wrecked satellite dishes, and generally destroyed things so as to disable the fighting spirit of the Metropolians.

Without any resources, Metropolis wouldn't be able to fight back against the clones and Bit-r.

Bit-r had become head of Star Labs. Therefore, Dr. Klein had become a mere lackey.

Sitting in Dr. Klein's office, Bit-r, who had, now, taken in calling himself Dr. Goodman, was counting out all the money. Contained in the five briefcases sitting on the desk. Each briefcase could hold up to $250,000 in. All the briefcases were full.

Surrounded by $1.25 million in cash gave Dr. Goodman the greatest feeling. Thinking to himself that *Superman* was doing a great job, Dr. Goodman blissfully believed that all was well.

It had helped to him to see that Metropolis was stupid enough to *think* that their precious hero, Superman, was responsible for their despair. Of course, this idea was firmly embedded in the Metropolian's minds through the words of the Daily Planet.

Dr. Goodman leaned back in his chair and turned his head to the left. He fell into a peaceful sleep while watching the sun set.

Over at the warehouse…

The sun that had so brightened and warmed the day had disappeared and gave way to a thunderstorm. All of a sudden, rain came pelting down, fast and furious, upon Metropolis.

Over at the warehouse, a window pane was swinging back and forth in the wind, allowing the rain to come in.

Far in a dark corner of the floor, there were signs of life and a big pool of water.

Lois, Clark, Perry, and Jimmy all were standing and stretching themselves out. Clark went over to the door, tried it, discovered it was locked, and then worked on unlocking the door with his laser vision.

When he had finished, Lois was at his side. "So, husband of mine, who were the cuckoos who froze us?" Lois asked. Hearing the question, Perry and Jimmy came over and waited for Clark's answer, as well.

Clark started to tell them about the story Superman had told him about the Professor, the blown up planet, and his anger. Perry and Jimmy didn't know that Zara and Ching had told Clark all about the Professor when Clark was on New Krypton. Lois already knew all this but pretended to be just as surprised as Perry and Jimmy.

After Clark was finished, Jimmy, could only say, "Wow!" Perry, the more rational of the two, exclaimed, "Well, griddle my pancakes, and call me waffles!"

Lois, getting very impatient, asked, "What's the plan, boys?" Clark answered, "Well, I think we should stay here for the night. Then, early in the morning, we should try to make our way back to the Planet. This warehouse is about an hour away from downtown Metropolis." "Wait a minute, how do you know, CK?" Jimmy interrupted. "Uh, well, I like to go for long walks whenever I want to clear my head. I walked to here once and it took about an hour," Clark answered. "Or, fly to the call of duty," Lois thought.

Continuing on, Clark said, "If we leave here at about seven, we should get to the Planet at about eight…" "Then we storm troop our way into the building and take over the show," Perry finished. "Uh, right, Perry," Clark agreed.

With the plan in order, Jimmy just had one more question, "When do we eat? I'm starving!"

Clark replied, "I'll take care of that. Lois, care to join me?" "I thought you'd never ask," Lois replied.

The next morning…

The real Lois, Clark, Perry, and Jimmy stood outside the Daily Planet. They were all wondering what to do next . After what had seemed like an eternity, Perry loudly declared that he was going into the building. "I'm not going to let a bunch of people, excuse me, aliens, who appear to be the under-five extras from a really bad episode of 'The Twilight Zone' keep me from my office. Are we going in or not?" Perry bellowed.

After hearing what Perry had to say, Jimmy seconded the plan, "The Chief's right, we can't just stand around here all day. We have to go in!" Realizing that both Perry and Jimmy were right, Lois and Clark agreed.

Suddenly, the four were standing in the lobby waiting for the elevator to reach them. In the next moment, they all filed into the elevator and pushed the up button. Before they knew it, they had arrived at the Daily Planet's floor.

Stepping out of the elevator, the familiar office greeted them. However, the people, who were present in the office, were too familiar and annoying. "Well, we're here, so what next?" Clark asked. Unfortunately, his question wasn't answered because Lois screamed.

In a split second, Clark rushed to his wife's side. "Lois, honey, what's wrong?" Clark asked. "Can you picture me wearing a red scarf with a pink dress?" Lois blurted out after seeing her clone's outfit. "Oh, and there I thought it was something trivial," Clark teased. "Clark, you rat, I'm 'deadly' serious," Lois admonished. "Uh, Lois, I don't think that deadly is the best word you could have used," Clark warned.

"Clark, don't start about the words I choose to say!" Lois admonished. Lois screamed again. "Honey, are you hurt?" Clark asked, with great concern. "Yes, I am," Lois replied, "How could my clone have *red* hair. It looks ridiculous!" "Well, at least we won't have trouble mixing the two of you up," Clark stupidly teased. "CLARK!" Lois yelled.

Meanwhile, as Lois was condemning her clone to Mr. Blackwell's worst-dressed list, Perry had found a kindred spirit. The only thing was that this 'spirit' was a copy of himself.

"Great shades of Elvis, slap me with a blue suede shoe but aren't you me?" Perry asked. "Why, yes," the Perry clone answered, "but I'm better looking!" "What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?" Perry demanded, "You have got everything you have from me, only it's in alien mode!" "Shh, not so loud or else everybody will want to be like me," the clone hissed. "I wouldn't bet the farm on it," Perry remarked.

When Perry saw what the Perry clone had done to his office, Perry's head almost rotated 360 degrees. It was a complete shrine to Elvis Presley and even worse, most of the pictures of the King that the clone possessed came from the idol himself. "Well, colour me crazy, but dang it, can you get in touch with Carl Perkins and ask him to send over his guitar. I wouldn't want the King to be lonely," Perry said, seething with jealousy.

Jimmy, not to be left out, found his double at the water cooler with his arm around Amy, the teletypist that Jimmy had a crush on. Stopping in his tracks, Jimmy's mouth dropped open at the sight.

"Hey, Amy, how are you?" Jimmy shyly asked. "Buzz off, you nerd, I've got my man," Amy spat. "What are you talking about, the man you've got is a replica of me," Jimmy said. "No, he isn't, you're the fake!" Amy spat again.

The Jimmy clone, curious to find out more about the real Jimmy, sent Amy away to powder her nose. The clone then stared at the real Jimmy and asked, "What would Amy see in you?" "Obviously, not what she sees in you. Tell me, what is your secret?" Jimmy asked.

"Well, you see, it's all in the eyes. That's where the chicks look to determine if you pass muster and then they go for your wallet on every date. Well, that's alright because I've got the moolah to spend," the clone boasted. Jimmy said, "Don't I wish."

Jimmy was still perplexed when he asked, "How can that be? You've got my eyes, so how can the girls fall in love with you?" "Well, maybe, it's something in the *air*," the clone suggested.

Once Clark had extricated Lois and her clone from a possible fashion war, he got his own surprise. Standing in front of him was a lifelike copy of himself.

"The same hair, glasses, face, body, and suit. Everything is the same but, yet, it's not!" Clark mused out loud.

"There is a difference, twin," the Clone said, "I've got control of your life, including your wife. Oops, your pseudo wife. However, after seeing your Lois, I might be tempted to switch sides."

Disgusted by both his smugness and his swarminess, Clark let loose his anger. Suddenly, there was an explosion of sounds with fists flying, objects travelling at breakneck speeds through the air, blood appearing, and the two Loises screaming.

The office was being turned into a catastrophic mess. Perry stormed out of his office and yelled, "What in tarnation is going on here?" He got his answer with the sudden appearance of Bit-r in front of the elevator doors.

"What on earth…" Bit-r started to say when he noticed the chaos in the newsroom.

"*Jimmy*!" he hollered. "Get me the weapon. I'm going to take care of them once and for all!"

*Jimmy* reluctantly took his eyes off Amy and went to look for the freezing weapon as told.

"Oh no you're not!" Perry yelled back and tried to throw a punch at Bit-r.

Unfortunately, he narrowly missed Bit-r's head and got a blow in the stomach instead.

"Arghhh!" Perry moaned in pain and dropped to the floor.

Just then, the rest of the staff caught sight of the commotion. Jimmy immediately rushed to Perry's side to see if he was alright.

*Jimmy* emerged from the storage room, empty-handed and looking a little sheepish.

"Er, I don't know where it went, Bit-r," *Jimmy* said in a small voice.

Just when Bit-r was about to explode, Clark, sensing danger, whispered to Lois that they should leave the Planet before they get frozen again.

So Lois and Clark, along with Perry and Jimmy, quickly exited the building, leaving Bit-r and *Jimmy* arguing in the newsroom.

Once they escaped from the Planet unnoticed, Clark said, "We need to go find some place safe to stay. I'll try and find Superman." Before they could say anything, Clark disappeared and was replaced by Superman making a "whoosh" landing in front of the group.

So one by one, they were taken to Smallville and greeted warmly by Clark's parents. They were joined by Clark a minute later.

"Hey CK, what happened to the rest of the real staff?" inquired Jimmy.

"Don't worry, they're alright. I told Superman to find a place for them to stay for a while until we get rid of the clones," Clark explained.

Meanwhile, at the Daily Planet, when all the commotion ended, *Clark* finally pointed out to Bit-r that their real-life counterparts were gone.

"Idiots!" Bit-r exploded. "You no good, useless bunch of fools! How could you let them get away like that? All of you are going to pay for this!"

*Clark*, *Lois* and the *rest of the staff* looked down at the floor in shame.

The next morning…

Lois and Clark went back to Metropolis alone to see Dr. Klein, despite fierce objection from Perry and Jimmy, who wanted to go also. When they arrived at Star Labs, Lois and Clark found Dr. Klein at his desk, looking a little dazed and confused. But worst of all, he didn't seem to recognize them.

"Dr. Klein, are you alright? You look a little pale," Lois inquired.

"Bill no. 282, Superman is allowed to break into homes at any time. Bill no. 283, anyone who fights back against Bit-r or Superman is subject to prosecution," recited Dr. Klein flatly.

Lois and Clark exchanged looks of bewilderment and Clark tried to get the doctor's attention.

"Hey! Doc, it's us, Lois and Clark, are you alright? The whole Daily Planet staff was cloned and we were frozen…" When Clark finally explained everything to Dr. Klein, he suddenly snapped out of it.

The three were discussing how to get rid of the clones.

"Well, the best way is to strip them of their superpowers and we'll have them at our mercy," Dr. Klein suggested.

"How about Gold Krytonite? It's a mixture of Red and Green Kryptonite," Clark said.

"But where are we going to get enough Red and Green Kryptonite?" asked Lois.

The three fell silent for a moment and finally Clark said, "We'll have to ask Superman to go to their home planet to find some then."

"Wouldn't Superman be affected by the Kryptonite also?" Lois looked at Clark.

"Uh, Superman once told me that Zara and Ching gave him the formula of an antidote. If I give you the formula, can you recreate it?" Clark asked Dr. Klein in a hopeful voice.

Dr. Klein said he probably could.

A couple of hours later…

Lois and Clark left Star Labs with the pills that Dr. Klein created and walked into an alley. Clark immediately twirled into Superman. He gave Lois a quick kiss and said, "Remember, Lois, don't do anything foolish while I'm gone." Lois gave him an innocent look as he flew away.

A day later…

"Ah! Here it is! I've worked all night to combine the two Kryptonites. I installed the Gold K into this device. It is a lot like the weapon that Bit-r shot you with. Just press the button and a beam will shoot out," Dr. Klein explained. Lois and Clark thanked Dr. Klein and immediately flew to the Planet.

Meanwhile, inside the newsroom, Bit-r was lecturing the clones.

"*Clark*, I want you scour the earth, look in every corner, until you find them. I don't care if they're alive or dead, just bring them…"

Suddenly, the elevator doors opened, and Lois and Clark stepped out with their weapon in hand.

"Get them!" Bit-r screamed.

But before the clones could react, Clark had already pressed the button and a gold beam shot out of the device. As *Clark* was being hit by the beam, he tried to use his infra-red vision to divert the rays, but he found that he no longer had any superpowers.

When Clark stopped the beam, the clones were dazed and asked what was happening. Bit-r ordered them to capture Lois and Clark. Instead, all the clones jumped on Bit-r and tied him up.

"Er, do you mind telling me what is going on here?" Clark said to the clones.

"Our minds were controlled by Bit-r. I think your beam turned us back to normal again," *Clark* said.

Lois and Clark just looked at each other in disbelief.

"We are all very sorry for everything we've done and we want to make it up to Metropolis," *Clark* offered sincerely.

A few days later…

Almost everything was back to normal in Metropolis, or as normal as Metropolis gets. Some of the clones were helping Superman fight crime and a few of them had formed a partnership with Dr. Klein to work on life-saving cures and experiments. They were all helping to make Metropolis a better place.

Meanwhile, back at the Planet…

"I'm just glad the Daily Planet is back in my hands again. You don't realize how much you miss something until it's gone. By the way, what happened to Bit-r?" asked Perry.

"We registered him for a permanent vacation at the Central Psych Ward in Metropolis. That way, Superman can keep a close eye on him. I bet he'll find many new friends by counselling the psychos there," Clark replied with a wry smile.

"And the clones are going back to their home planet in a week," Lois added.

"You two deserve a vacation after all this. I don't want to see you in the office for a week," Perry said to Lois and Clark.

"Thanks, Chief!" Lois and Clark replied in unison as they gathered their things.

In Lois and Clark's home…

"Honey, are you ready to go yet?" Clark asked as he spun into his alter ego.

Just then, Lois emerged from the bedroom with shorts and a T-shirt on. Clark scooped her into his arms and they took off into the sky.

"So where is Superman Express taking us today?" asked Lois as she planted little kisses on Clark's cheek.

"The same place where you spent the night in my arms for the first time. But I promise, this time, no interruptions."

"Oh, Clark…"